TTC but not getting enough cooperation from OH

[LilyHart]

Hi

This is my first time on Mumsnet, so be gentle with me and here goes...

I've been TTC for 18 months now with nothing happening. I'm ovulating fine, but trying to get my OH to have sex with me on the right days is difficult. I am 38, he is 50 (with a lesser sex drive than me), just the mere mention of ovulation, or the 'right time' and it puts him right off. Have stopped telling him my ovulation days in the hope that sex will happen but once a week is average. It's not helped that he travels a lot with work (I ovulated today and he's away for next three days).

He has two kids from previous marriage and doesn't really want any more, but realises that I do and that it's important to me. And so he is willing to 'see what happens'. Since we agreed to see what happens he won't enter conversations about it, won't try for me, just tells me that if it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world. If I bring it up he just brushes it aside.

Does this happen to anyone else? I realise it takes two and all that, but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may never conceive due to lack of trying on his part and my age going against me.

Lily

Hi Lilly, Sounds a little sad to me that OH isn't thinking along the same lines as you.
I guess you don't have children from any earlier relationships?

I would say that even though he is 50, he is still in his prime for delivering good sex.
Perhaps he is tired when he comes home?
How about some afternoon fun and frolics, when he is not feeling tired?

I hope you can have some good chatting together, and let him know how sad you are, and that you miss him not being there when you want him.

Fay.

He doesn't want to have a baby with you, he's just stringing you along.

Are you really going to give up on being a parent for this guy?

I think that sometimes "baby making sex" can drain the passion out of a relationship. Did you have a good sex life before deciding to try and conceive? Also how are you feeling about yourself, sexy and desirable? Or a bit desperate and depressed?

It might be worth trying to remember why your together and re-inject a bit of lust.

I know when DH and I started trying he didn't want to talk about it, there was an ex who was heartbroken every month and became very obsessed about trying for a baby and in the end it killed their relationship, just wanted "to see what happened" but was delighted when I fell pregnant.

We are 'seeing what happens' I don't discuss CM, ovulation etc with DH, that is what I use MN for!

Seriously though I would be concerned about performance anxiety and only shagging with the motive of getting PG. We DTD regularly through the month and I do a bit more pouncing at the required times.

Good luck

I think the second response was a bit harsh! My DH used to cry sometimes when we were TTC without success because he wanted his own family so much. That said, he still got hacked off with "the timetable" meaning that we missed the fertile window every 3 months or so. So, in my experience, not wanting to do it at the right time does not equate to not wanting a child. We're TTC no 2 now and given the joy DH has had from DD, he's more inclined to stick to the timetable!

This man has been open about the fact that he does not want a child, which is a pretty clear sign that he doesn't want a child.

He has agreed to "TTC" to keep the OP from leaving him but is avoiding sex at the times she is most likely to get pregnant, because "seeing what happens" is just code for "if we kick this down the road long enough it will be too late for you and then I'll get my way".

Wow! athing i see what you're saying but the OP did ask mnetters to be gentle!

Guys do hate the scheduled sex but if he is only willing tohave sex once a week then it does sound to me like he doesn't want to try for a baby at all. If he's not committed to trying I would question whether he is committed to a family with you. Tough one as at 50 with two previous kids I imagine it's hard to go back to the beginning.

I think you need to persevere when he won't talk to you about it. And it may not be the end of the world but it might be the end of a relationship to have a partner who won't discuss things of such importance with you....

Maybe if his sex drive is low he's worried he's not up to it?

So many ifs and buts, you really need to get him to talk. This is important to you - that should be enough of a reason for him to talk to you.

Good Luck

Thanks for all your posts. Im very grateful.

In his defence, and to clarify, he has come around to the idea of having kids, but he would be just as happy without any more (he was badly stung by his ex wife and I think that has a lot to do with it). He's even admitted to be a little bit excited at the thought of it, but that was when we started 'trying' not really had much out of him since.. He loves kids in general and adores my 4yr old niece so I do feel he will make a good dad, his two grown up kids worship him. It's just not a priority to him and so I just dont feel like I can talk to him about it.

Fay, no kids from previous relationships. This is my first long term partner in over ten years. I've had disastrous love life until met OH and everything is perfect really now. Am also conscious that I might never conceive anyway as I'm a bit of an old bird so don't want to strain my relationship unnecesarily which is actually very loving.

As for sex it's pretty much always been just as it is now and he is always the one to initiate things so I feel a bit self conscious about making the first move. He has said he's just not massively sex-driven (this even before TTC). There's been a few cases of ED in the past so I always leave it to him to make the first move to avoid upset on both our parts.

It's just bloody frustrating and as every month passes I am trying not to work myself into a state. :-(

Thanks again for your posts. Is good to get this off my chest.

I am kind of with AThing here sorry.

I think you need to talk to him to work out whether this is just bad timing, or some kind of avoidance technique (conscious or subconscious). If it's just bad timing then he should be willing to put more effort in to improve the timing. If it's actually avoidance technique perhaps that may lead to a rethink more generally...

What happens if you do have regular, well timed sex and still nothing happens? It sounds like he will not be willing to go for any tests or procedures let alone IVF etc - he would just accept it. Do you feel the same way? If not then again I think this needs to be discussed sooner than later given your age.

Sorry cross post. You really do have to talk to him about it. Even if it isn't a priority to him, it is to you, so he should be willing to talk about it for that reason.

TBH it sounds a bit like you are scared to rock the boat by bringing up the subject? The thing is that if it's a good relationship it should be able to withstand a bit of boat rocking - and the last thing you would want is to have regrets about not speaking up in a couple of years time.

Minipie, I admit I am scared of rocking the boat. It's taken me so long to find someone and I don't want to lose this. Because on all other areas we have the perfect relationship. There's just an elephant in the corner of the room.

Also I worry if I bring it up it will damage our sex life. The other night he stopped mid-way saying he was 'thinking about it too much'. Was v apologetic. He does try and make the effort but then gets stage fright. So I'm just putting on a happy face and pretending all is well. We love each other very much and if I had to weigh up being childless with him, or losing him and being childless on my own, then I would stay.

Realise I sound rather pathetic now :-(

Hi Lilyheart,
Thanks for the extra information.
Sure some of the members are more direct, but that's the internet.
I am younger than you by about 7 years, but my husband is older than your husband.
We have a wide age gap.
I know what you mean by stage fright, it affects many men from what I read and hear.
It's all to do with their state of their mind.
Try not to worry about it.

Fay.

I think it's worth it to talk to him. Perhaps he is also a bit worried that he will lose what he has with you, potentially having to go through another divorce and losing that with another child?

I don't think its as simple as "he doesn't want another child". By the age of 50, men are generally good at being a bit more open and honest about what they want.

Also, I don't think you risk losing him. I think you summed it up - you would have him so maybe he needs to hear that as well? Maybe he really needs to feel loved and cherished and see that a baby with you is a life that you are both creating together?

I make a point of telling my DH that it's not about the baby. It's about his hand on my pregnant belly or about just being pregnant with him. It's the journey with him that I want. Fortunately, we are both 100% on the same page but do try to make sure he knows (even if he doesn't need it) that it's about my life with him.

Four legs is more stable than two :)

Lily the thing is that there is already the elephant in the corner of the room. It's not going to go away if you don't mention it - if anything it will just get bigger and come between you. Best to be honest with him - and ask the same in return.

It is difficult to keep the baby conversations separate from sex. It probably will affect your sex life tbh after 18 months of TTC. But again, your sex life is already affected - so, nothing to lose?

This may be naive, but is there anyway he would agree to another method, other than the usual penetrative sex (seeing as he feels pressured to perform)? I was just reading on another thread about someone who is considering a DIY artificial insemination with a Boots pipette - or 'turkey baster' method as it is also known...
Probably a long shot (no pun intended) if he is a bit recalcitrant about the whole thing... if only we could store it up without the need for a lab or an evil plan...
(hugs) xx

I feel for you OP - this must be very difficult.

I just wanted to pick up on a different angle in your post: you said "he travels a lot with work (I ovulated today and he's away for next three days)." You do know that the best timing for sex is just before ovulation, don't you? So if sex isn't that frequent and you're trying to make sure you do it at the optimal time, try and make sure it's before you ovulate. Do you use a fertility monitor, or do temperature charting?

If this is blindingly obvious, I'm sorry - I don't mean to patronise. Good luck.

OP you've had a good range of answers with good points made. I would back up what Cork said. It sounds so obvious but knowledge makes you feel more in control. Have you read 'Taking Charge of your Fertility?'

I do think you need to talk more to DH, and let him know much you'd love to have a baby with him. I know it must be scary to think of losing him, but you can't just 'put a happy face on it and pretend' for the rest of your life.

If he honestly admits he doesn't want a child, and you would rather be childless with him than leave him, then you might stop TTC. That would take a lot of pressure off you both, even if it also makes you sad. How long are you prepared to go on like this before you take a decision?

Good luck, I feel for you and hope it works out right.

Hi
I feel your frustration OP...my partner and I are trying to TTC (or more like I've been TTC for a while now) but my dh has gone off sex for the last few weeks...and its my ovulation week this week..

The only difference with you and me is that its our 2nd child we're trying and I'm 35 and he's 38. (and we dont have any kids other than ours) I know you probably think we've still got time etc but my dd is 21 months and I dont want to have a big age gap between the next one. It also doesnt help that my mother is constantly hinting that my dd needs a sister or brother....So I'm stressing out...

I'm annoyed that whenever my dh wants to have sex he gets it but whenever I want it he refuses! Totally unfair and I'm getting fed up of his uncooperation.

Anyway how did you get one with your dh?

The second response may have been harsh - but I think it's accurate. .

OP, I can't shake the feeling that this man doesn't want another child and skirting round the issue isn't going to change that.

How badly do you want a baby? That would be the question for me. He's not that keen and he doens't really deliver the goods. I think you are in a very difficult situation and you may end up childless without actively choosing that option. Hope it all works out for you.

Hello Lilyhart,

I've been in the same situation as you. I'm 35 and my husband is 38, we've been trying to conceive our first child for nearly 3 years. During this time I had a miscarriage which devastated us both, and for a few months after that my husband said he wanted a break from it all. As you can imagine this was dreadful for me to hear.

There is no doubt that TTC puts a lot of pressure on couples, especially if it's your first child together. My husband also works away frequently, and because of this I've had no choice but to tell him 'dates' that we need to be trying, and I've also had to accept that some months are simply 'lost' because he's away smack bang in the middle of them. I've always felt very alone at these times, yet whenever I've talked to him he's just seen it as 'pressure' and withdraws. He's always said 'it'll happen, let's just get on with our lives and wait until it does', whereas I've always seen it as something to work at, TOGETHER. But we have very different approaches, he's certainly not a big talker on any aspect of our lives, and so we've just had to get on with it.

He has also experienced ED during this time too, so at times we've used Viagra, which has taken the pressure off immensely.

Anyway, not really giving you any great words of wisdom here, but just to let you know you're not on your own. I think many men probably feel a bit out of their depth in all this TTC business, and it can come across as disinterest.

Good luck.

Hi aichi
.
aichi Mon 30-Jul-12 08:46:03

Hi
I feel your frustration OP...my partner and I are trying to TTC (or more like I've been TTC for a while now) but my dh has gone off sex for the last few weeks...and its my ovulation week this week..

.
I am really sure men do have "non sexy times of the month"
I think it's some thing to do with the moon
Not off for a few weeks, but maybe a week, or 5-6 days.

Fay

Hi OP

I just wanted to add my thoughts, my DH is 19 years older than me, I'm 29 to his 48, we've been trying to conceive for over two years, he dishy want more kids but when I hit 25 I had a frank discussion with him that I needed to at least try to become a mum and if it wasn't with him, then I would leave. It caused a lot of heartbreak as DH has already got a DS who he his amazing with and who stays with us half the week.
He relented and I agreed I wasnt ready to try at that point.

When we did starg trying he was fine but fit over a year I didn't work
Out ovulation cycles etc as I was happier with the if it happens, it happens kind of thing. We prob DTD once a week (more from me than him TBF) but once he rolled over and said lets try making a baby it put me right off, I couldn't summon the will to do it for that, it felt weird.
So maybe you OH does struggle with doing it for the end goal and nothing else.
Do you DTD the rest of the time quite happily if you're not at a fertile time? Just wondering of your oh can be feeling abut rejected.