Has anyone decided against trying IVF?

[eurochick]

How/why did you come to that decision? Are you happy with it?

We are "unexplained". Our NHS clinic referred us for IVF. I was not comfortabe with the idea, so tried Letrozole and IUI privately, to no avail. I am currently downregging for my NHS IVF cycle and I want to stop. I just feel like I don't want a baby this way. But I am currently sticking the drug-filled needle in myself every night because I am scared of regretting not doing it at some point down the line, whilst hating every minute. I wish we had never gone down this road.

Has anyone else felt similar?

NB. I have had a counselling session at my clinic and it hasn't helped.

Hi euro - i can't really answer your question but i found this article interesting:
www.futurity.org/health-medicine/subfertile-women-may-conceive-with-time/

BTW - I hate the phrase 'subfertile'... like we don't feel incompetent enough already :(

Euro, you know my situation. Although I havent started ivf yet, I know it's my best, maybe only chance of having a baby. For this reason i have accepted that i have to do it. Otherwise i would have to accept that i willnever havechildren and im not prepared to do that yet. I have totry everything or i will always regret it. But i don't have any moral objection to ivf. It is a medical procedure to treat a medical problem.

Would it help to write down what you reasons are for feeling uncomfortable about it? Are your reservations moral ones? Or to do with the drugs? Or because you think you might not need it to get pregnant?

I've just read that article that iloveberries linked to. The important thing is that it was for women under 36. I do think that age has to be considered. If you didnt do ivf, would you accept that you wont have children? Or will you be thinking that it could still happen naturally?

No. I think that you have to put aside the journey and focus on the destination. NO ONE wants IVF. But it's a means to an end. And it's 3 weeks out of your life, that's all. If you utterly detest it, all I can suggest is get yourself to the clinic with the highest success rate, as it's the closest thing to buying your own baby.

Yes. I did. And then I changed my mind.

In 2008 I was 34 and diagnosed with unexplained infertility after 18 months trying. I was all set for IVF, literally waiting for my period to start the drugs, when I found out I was pregnant. At 7 weeks a scan showed an empty gestational sac and I had ERPC.

After that our clinic advised going on with IVF as planned, but we decided against. I was sick of the medicalisation and had some concerns about IVF - some of them rational, most of them not (more about that later).

By the end of 2010 I was almost 37 and still not pregnant. We'd had all the tests again and been referred to a different clinic. My FSH by then was high and I was told I probably had premature ovarian failure (the new clinic said they probably would never have classified me as "unexplained" but who knows really) We were told IVF would probably not work, but had a cycle anyway. I responded very poorly and produced only one viable embryo which didn't implant.

The IVF was hard in lots of ways and it took me a long time to recover, about three months, emotionally.

But I did feel better and we set about accepting and building a childless life. We were and are for the most part very happy, but the desire for a family never completely left me.

So, how does it end, well I don't know yet. I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant - a natural and spontaneous surprise - although I don't yet know for sure that there is anything there yet.

So, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you this:

Fears and doubts are normal. As I said, I had many irrational fears about IVF - that the baby wouldn't look like me, that people would be able to tell by looking at it, that it would be somehow not as good, that my family wouldn't accept it. I could go on.. It's just normal anxiety, I think.

Some of what you're feeling might be down to the drugs. Never underestimate hormones. I found downregulation the worst bit, I felt terrible and very low.

Finally, occasionally I regret that we pulled out the first time around. Not often, I mostly think it was right for us at the time. But I have never regretted the cycle we did have.

Good luck and remember you are never alone.

Eurochick one thing that sticks with me about my cycle is that although I had similar feelings to you whislt doing it, it is all very soon forgotten afterwards. We were lucky enough to get a BFP first time, and I only did my cycle in April/May but I can honestly say it feels like a lifetime ago and is barely remembered.

When we were thinking about IVF, and I wasn't that keen, the main thing that made us decide to go through with it was that we wanted to give everything a go so if we ended up with no children, we knew we'd given it a good shot. That said, I am not sure I would have done more than one cycle, I think one would have been enough for me. Then again, it's impossible to predict!

And as Improbable says, the drugs mess with your hormones which could be adding to how you are feeling.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts ladies.

Improbable I do recognise that some of what I am feeling is due to the hormones. But not all of it. We were supposed to start in March but I put it off because I just didn't want to do it and felt pretty much the way I feel now. Congrats on your BFP.

bagofholly yes, it is only a few weeks (although more than 3 in my case) but at the moment each day feel like a week.

mrsd I think part of the resistence in my case is coming from the fact that it is not a medical solution to a medical problem. I have no diagnosis. I feel like I am being slung on the IVF bandwagon because they don't know what else to do. No one can tell me why it might work. No one can tell me that it is not a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

As for what I am feeling uncomfortable about... well, it's a long list (I realise that some of these points might be upsetting for some people so please don't read on if you think you might be one of them):

Pumping myself full of drugs. I'm a bit of a hippy and don't even take a paracetemol without trying to resist it for a while.
Synthetic hormones. I never react well to them (Exhibit A: my posts over the last few days).
The feeling that I am somehow cheating.
The concern that I won't feel like I won this baby fairly and that it is second best somehow.
The feeling that I just don't want a baby this way.
Absolute repulsion at the idea of being turned into a walking egg farm, and then having those eggs sucked out of me to sit in a lab.
Horror at the idea of frozen embies.

I actually feel like I don't want it to work. I am doing it because I fear I will regret it if I don't and because I don't want to let my husband down, but I just don't want a baby this way. I'm actually hoping I'm in the unsuccessful 60%. We've agreed that we will only do one cycle, so if it fails, I will never have to put myself through this again.

I decided not to. Like you I've got a useless diagnosis of unexplained fertility. I'm now 38 and the odds of success looked pretty poor when I thought about many of the same issues you're facing.

However I already have a child (conceived naturally.) I don't know what I would have done in your circumstances. I feel like I made the right decision for me but I think whatever decision you make will be the right one because it becomes part of you if that doesn't seem too woo.

I think your feelings about it are absolutely valid. I share many of them myself plus a few more that I have a hard time admitting, even to myself. IVF is a morally complex issue and it's important to stay true to yourself. I haven't gone down that road yet but it's a distinct possibility with our issues and something I have given a lot of thought to and I really don't know what my choice would be.

It would be interesting to hear from someone who is willing to admit to having similar feelings on the issue but went through it successfully. I would like to hear that whatever the misgivings, none of it matters after the fact.

I wrote another really long reply, but then MN went offline and it wouldn't post. Probably for the best, I was kind of rambling and it probably wouldn't have been helpful.

Just want to say a couple of things, though.

Your feelings are all completely normal, I think, and lots of us who have had or may have IVF share some or all of them. But for what it's worth, you are not cheating and if a baby comes out of this cycle it will be in no way second best.

Not having IVF is a valid choice if that is what you decide is right for you. It doesn't make you less good or mean you want a baby less than someone else, it just means you thought about what was right for you. We always said we wanted a family, but not a baby at any cost.

Thanks for the congratulations and sorry for mentioning my pregnancy - it seems tactless, I know, but it would've felt dishonest in the context leaving the impression I was still contentedly childless.

Most of all I just really feel for you and hope you are able to decide what is right for you.

Big hugs to you euro - I've been reading some of your posts these past few days and can tell you're feeling pretty low about the whole thing. To come clean I'm an IVF "success" (it worked on our 2nd attempt), so I hope you don't mind me contributing here as I am not the category of respondent you requested! :)

Depending which way you look at it, IVF is an amazing miracle of modern technology. It's also a frighteningly powerful technology which enables us to circumnavigate the natural miracle of conception. If you're a thinker at all (and it sounds as though you are) then you don't get much more 'headfucky' than the things we contemplate when we decide to start jabbing ourselves with those needles.

Did your clinic discuss the procedure with you adequately, and the notion of frozen embryos and what your decisions might be should you have any left over? We had a very good discussion before our second cycle at Guys with the registrar about the ethical dilemmas we might face and that is one side of IVF rarely discussed.

Have you thought about how you'd feel if you just stopped, right now, taking the drugs? It sounds to me as though you are going through two layers of complication - on the one hand you have unresolved issues about the ethics/personal morality of achieving a pregnancy via IVF. Added to that I think the hormones are really affecting you which could be marring your judgement. If you stop, it sounds as though your immediate response would be one of relief. Is it possible for you to project further than that - how you'd feel in say one month, or six months?

My situation was different to yours in a way as I am older than you - I was 38 when we started and the success rates for IVF start to hurtle downwards at about that point. You may decide that you'd like to try naturally for another year or two and make a call on it then. This isn't your last chance saloon age-wise, which is how it was starting to feel for me. Here's another hug, just for good measure..

My aunt and uncle decided against any kind of assissted conception, grieved the loss of their chance of having a child that was biologically theirs and went on to adopt.
Of course, I am not privy to their innermost feeling, but they have always been very open about their difficulties and my cousin and the wider family have always known that he was adopted. My uncle is a gynaecologist and they were simply not keen on the 'invasiveness' of IVF - not just the physical side of it, but the emotional/psychological intrusiveness IYKWIM.

You are in the midst of it and, as far as I understand it, the worst part of treatment (other than BFNs of course ).
I suppose it all depends on how important ultimately your own biological child is to you?
Very best of luck and hugs.

Downregging sent me off me head. I had a melt down pretty much daily, but my feelings were ones of rage that I was going through this when Jeremy Kyle types get knocked up with a shag over a bin.

As it was both cycles worked and we have 3 including twins. Egg collection was PLEASANT! Nice, relaxing and pain free totally! I'd never have believed it but it's true!

And as for "unexplained" infertility then that just means they haven't run the right test yet. The clinics which monitor and treat immune issues se more thorough in that regard and get better results, but are pricier.

When I had my cycles I was CONSUMED with it all. Now with three little miracles, I can barely remember it.

Although it sounds like you had doubts before, please be aware that down-regging is deliberately sending you into a mood-swinging menopausal state & you may feel more positive once you start the stimulation drugs.

I can understand your feelings about taking loads of drugs but I really don't see how you can count it as 'cheating', I feel I had to work a lot harder to get DD (6th embryo transfer) than someone who just had a quick shag.

BUT, if you are this unsure then you should speak to your DH, maybe stop now and decide if you want to continue at a later time. However you will prob lose your NHS funding.

As a last point, I was also labelled 'unexplained' until I started stim & ended up with a pretty dismal response..... sometimes IVF can answer questions as well.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Thanks ladies.

shelby I've heard that stimming is supposed to be easier. I hope so.

The diagnostic part of IVF is the one thing that is motivating me to keep going, strangely, not the thought of a baby. I want to know what's going on in there but I then want them to fix it, rather than using the process to get me pregnant.

Bagofholly I couldn't agree more about the unexplained label meaning they just haven't run the right tests. The NHS testing is really minimal. For no other condition than subfertility would they say "we have no idea what the problem is, but here, have a go at this massively invasive treatment and pump your body full of drugs and see if that sorts it out". We've already had some immunology tests and treatment privately and intend to have more if this IVF cycle doesn't work out.

I share your rage re: the Jeremy Kyle types.

Pacific that is interesting about your aunt and uncle. I think that is what I would prefer to do. Grieve for the child I won't have and move on. The question is whether or not I do now or get through this IVF round now I have started it.

Improbable don't feel guilty for mentioning your pregnancy. It's fantastic that you have fallen pregnant and I found your story interesting.

I am really grateful for all the thoughts shared on this thread. On many forums I look at the reaction seems to be "I'm at the top of the waiting list so I can start IVF YAY!" and I have never felt like that. It is comforting to know that some others have shared some of my doubts. I talked things over with my husband last night and I think we are close to reaching a decision to stop. The only thing that might keep us going is the thought that we might get some answers as to what is wrong from this process.

Hi Euro

Wow - you are a brave lady - it would be easier to bury these feelings and feel even worse.

I will say this - women have strong, strong intuition about what is to be done - listen to it.

Prior to my IVF cycle and when deciding to go ahead or not. I was in torment. I sat in my parents living room with them and DH - sobbing and sobbing. "What if I don't like it?" It being an IVF baby. "What if I think it is a product of a labaratory like frankenstein monster?" "What if people find out and judge me?" What if there is a complication with the IVF baby". I made myself feel lower than low.

Luckily for me, my family really enabled me to thrash it out - although somedays I have pananoid moments still.

As you know my IVF cycle didn't work but luckily can go to FET. If it does work, now I would feel mighty proud. I think of my embryos in their dishes fighting to stay alive and multiplying - no scientist can cause that. That is a product of me and DH - it is 100% natural and all the scientists are doing is providing a new room for them to sit in for now. This will sound really silly but I often think of that line from the Jurrasic park film - first one. "Life will find a way".

I wonder if you can request info on natural / mild IVF before a final decision is made. The drugs are not for you and I'm sorry this wasn't properly discussed with you. You will know what to do.

The truth is you don't have to stop or start anything. TTC is part of the continum of life. Maybe living your life without TTC but also without contraception will bring back some peace.

Take very good care - speak to your clinic. xxxx

I found ivf scary for a lot of reasons, mainly religious ones as I'm a practising Christian. In my case we had severe mfi following a failed vasectomy reversal.
I literally didn't want to start the downreg and made dh draw up the injection as I would have put it off another cycle. Once it was drawn up I injected without allowing myself to think about it and basically committed myself. The stimming was easier than downreg which gave me mood swings. I found it easier I think because I knew there was an obvious problem and that the ivf was the only realistic way to overcome it.

We decided against IVF a few years ago. I have PCOS and after 6 years of trying and and all sorts of tests and treatment it was our final option. We waited a year for our private appointment to see the IVF doctors but after our initial consultation we decided against it. It was in Edinburgh and at that time the private and NHS were done in the same place and the waiting lists were very long.
We were rushed through the appointment and both dh and I literally came out and knew we had had enough. We had been in multiple mornings at 7.30 for internal scans for the clomid (which also made me depressed) with no results and we found it soul destroying and stressful and we knew IVF would be worse.

So we decided to just give up - it was too much for too long and we decided we were happy to accept we might be childless.
However a year of not TTC restored our equilbrium. We started trying again and I got pregnant straight away and had a little boy at 39. Now I have my son I would say to you do everything you can to have your baby even if you need to take time out at some point. It is hard in the short term but as someone said upthread focus on what the gain will be. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Albertswearengen I find stories like yours so interesting - do you mind me asking how were you living in that year break? Were you being healthy and careful or the opposite? Following a PCOS type diet, or did you throw caution to the wind and eat and drink whatever you liked? Do you think it was literally just removing the stress of ttc or were there other changes that co-incided that you think restored your equilibrium? any thoughts much appreciated.

A holistic option for assisting fertility is napro technology using the crighton method.sounds like it might be worth you finding out more about it.good luck

Euro - based on how you are feeling and the way you you want to progress I would second the napro technology. Was meaning to recommend it to you and others on the TTC 10 months thread but couldn't remember the name of it.

I looked at them but due to tubal problems it wouldn't have helped - this is the only problem that they can't rally help with. I think there is a centre based in the West Midlands.

Good luck

I did lose some weight but I had been losing weight for the previous 4 years and actually in the 3 months running up to getting pregnant I had stopped being so careful and had put nearly a stone or so on again after we had been on holiday.
The biggest change was that I stopped thinking about babies at all I started to enjoy my life and it wasn't nagging away at the back of my head all the time. Even when we started trying again it was all a bit half hearted really. I had made a huge effort in all the years of infertility to not let it get to me and not base my life around it but it was only when I stopped did I realise how much guilt I had carried around not being able to get pregnant.

Trying for another baby after ds was much worse as I knew what I was missing and we have eventually called a halt to that now I'm 43.

After a lot of thought we decided not to do IVF. I don't think it's cheating, in fact I think it's a brave decision to go for it. I just couldn't live with any more medical procedures and found the tests and so on incredibly distressing.

I am sad that we are unlikely to have children (I'm 40, and DH has low sperm count) but I'm happier now we've made our decision. It's horrible being in limbo and I'm glad we're not any more.

I had thoughts before IVF that due to natural selection, if I couldn't have a baby naturally, I didn't have genes worth passing on. Looking at my perfect twins now, I can't believe I ever had doubts. Knowing how difficult the whole process is, I can only say that babies conceived this way, against all odds, are the true miracles. My two lovelies shouldn't have existed but they do, because of what I had to put myself through. I don't think they're second best... not compared to babies who exist just because their parents just fancied a shag one day.

I found the whole cycle hideous and I can understand why it's not for everyone. I didn't find the down reg difficult but the stims were very bad for me. And I didn't consider my pregnancy natural or real until about the 20 week mark, when they suddenly stopped being IVF babies and just became babies to me. Now it's irrelevant how they were conceived. On a practical note, I was afraid of the effects of synthetic hormones and was under the care of a nutritional therapist for the duration of the cycle. I had a multitude of vitamins prescribed to combat the hormonal mentalness and stress, and for someone who can't even take the pill without almost instantly turning quite suicidal, it really seemed to help. One thing I do know is that you have to be in the right frame of mind because the process is so exhausting and you tend to be at your most fragile when going through it.

I decided not to go for IVF for many reasons:

1. I have a unicornuate uterus and my chances of having a successful pregnancy were very small
2. I didn't want all the hassle and intervention that is involved
3. I didn't want to have to deal with disappointment after disappointment every month
4. I didn't feel that not having children was the end of the world

In the end, 17 years after stopping the pill my daughter was born (full term, but small and perfectly formed)