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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

How do you answer the dreaded question?...

15 replies

MrsHY1 · 08/06/2012 23:30

...of when you are planning to have babies?
I'm 32 and have been TTC for 2 years. We had a cycle of IVF in April but I unfortunately couldn't complete it as I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). We're waiting to have our first frozen embryo transfer now.
I'm going to a Christening on Sunday and know I'll be surrounded by couples who have recently had babies. So far only a few close friends know about our difficulties and because it's so upsetting for me, and it's all wrapped up in lots of feelings of inadequacy and failure, I'd like to keep it that way.
I know we'll be asked lots of questions about why we haven't started a family yet, particularly because our 4th wedding anniversary is approaching next week.
I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I respond- anything from the diplomatic to the downright rude will be considered :-) xx

OP posts:

Somersaults · 08/06/2012 23:33

Ask them when they'll be having their tact implant. Or when they're planning that surgery to have thier nosiness removed.

ProcrastinateWildly · 08/06/2012 23:33

You could tell them to mind their own fucking business, which is what they should be doing. Hope things work out for you with the embryos x

sinkingflameofhilarity · 09/06/2012 07:39

Tell them, in graphic detail, the ins and outs of it all. Particularly the horrors of OHSS.

I find that either freaks them out so they never ask me again, or become a good allie for the coming treatments.

I find this much more satisfying than a smile and change of subject.

raspberrytipple · 09/06/2012 07:46

I always find it difficult and end up skirting around the issue, I've surrounded myself with enough people who know now that can usually save me!

Perhaps just a polite, 'it will happen when it happens' then change the subject. I do like 'mind your own fucking business' though! I am becoming less and less tolerant of the question, I've been with my husband for nearly 13 years and settled all that time so I kinda think that in this day and age with all the raised awareness about infertility that people ought to put two and two together!

Pocket1 · 09/06/2012 07:55

raspberry you are right. People should know better! I think the notion of a gentle skirt round the question is a good plan, not as clear, satisfying or fun as saying f*ck off though. Good luck for Sunday. And hope you get your BFP v soon

iloveberries · 09/06/2012 08:33

when people ask me if i'd like another (i have DS and ttc DC2 for a yr) i just say "I would love another child, I hope it happens" and just leave it at that. they can piece it together.

I think when people ask it's done out of ignorance, nothing else and they just think they're making conversation. I used to always ask and am very ashamed of how i could have made people feel but as i had my DS fairly young, no-one i knew had had fertility problems. Now i am much more aware and sensitive of course but i think sometimes people can be unaware.

good luck!

Northey · 09/06/2012 08:37

I have a couple of times recently just said "third year of infertility treatment" or "I don't ovulate" and leave it at that. People actually responded really well, or perhaps I just didn't feel irritated and flustered at trying to avoid answering, so just took their responses better. I didn't even feel the need to punch the man who ended the conversation with "so you might end up adopting"...

bonzo77 · 09/06/2012 08:44

People make me soooooo . Depending on my mood, I say something along the lines of " for a lot of people getting pregnant is not as easy as it is for others", or "that's very personal so none of your business". Grrrrrr I'm very cross on your behalf.

lollypopsicle · 09/06/2012 08:44

Someone suggested to me once to deflect the qus back onto them like "who knows, so when you planning the next one?" or "how old were you when you had your first?" then steer the conversation from there.

A frosty "it's not always that straight forward for everyone, you know" could shut some up.

What I used to say to family was that if they asked me again then I'll never have kids because I'm sick of talking about it already.

I'm afraid to say the nosy buggers still persist, even when you do have kids. I have vowed to never do this to anyone. Good friend or not

I hope you get your BFP soon and good luck with the christening.

Original poster

MrsHY1 · 09/06/2012 10:03

You're all brilliant- thanks- some great ideas in here!
I agree it's not malicious when people ask- just nosiness/assumption our childlessness is through choice, but it still never fails to rub me up the wrong way
Someone suggested I should immediately counter with another personal/socially awkward question, such as "how much do you weigh?" or "how much do you earn?" which tickled me .
Thanks too for your messages of good luck. The one positive aspect of the whole ohss experience was laying 30 eggs- 9 of which went on to be 5 day blastos- so I'm really hoping a FET cycle will work.
Conversely, we've decided to tell everyone when we do get a BFP how it got there. I wonder if I'd have all these horrible failure/inadequate feelings if I had ever met anyone in real life who had openly spoken about it.

OP posts:

Pocket1 · 09/06/2012 11:20

Mrs that's the spirit. I like the idea of post BFP honesty. And agree how differently things would be viewed if talked about more openly. I may take a leaf out of your book

Northey how did you not punch the adoption man? I can see it was said out of ignorance but seriously, I may have told him to f*ck off. We do have a friend famous for his honest and outspoken (but never malicious) words - more than once he's asked me about kids, telling me 'heartening ' stories about older women he knows becoming mums. Over the years i have told him to f off, walked off, laughed at him and changed the subject. I know he means well and I can't hope to one day tell him about a BFP!!!

Northey · 09/06/2012 18:57

Not sure, pockets! I think because he was clearly trying to think of nice things to say - his desperate willingness to be nice just sort of shone through the crassness of the actual words.

fanjodisfunction · 09/06/2012 19:18

I would just hold them in a stare smile and change the subject, that would hopefully shut anyone up.

eurochick · 09/06/2012 20:24

I either go for the "it doesn't happen instantly for everyone, you know" approach or tell them that we are about to start IVF, depending on whether or not I am prepared to get into details.

Original poster

MrsHY1 · 13/06/2012 18:38

Thanks everyone. Sunday was fine- I think people have drawn their own conclusions and they left well alone.

I decided in the end we'd go with 'one day we'd love them' or something equally as anodyne and then change the subject sharpish. Thought that was favourable to 'I'm a mother of nine actually, it's just that they're all in the freezer right now.'

OP posts:

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