How to explain to DH that 'let's just relax and if it happens it happens' is all well and good but...

[Adayforthinking]

... it's just IMPOSSIBLE!!

So, bit of a long one but here goes. DD is nearly 3 and originally I wanted a 2nd baby quickly. DH not too keen on having another one. Before Xmas, I changed my mind and wasn't overly keen (had a few problem weeks with DD not sleeping which put me off - decided at 37 that I was too old to cope with sleepless nights again, etc etc...).

At the same time DH had also changed his mind and did want another DC. So, in April we went out for our wedding anniversary and decided to discuss the 'elephant in the room' (the topic about a second baby) and agreed to go for it.

So, now into 2nd month TTC DC#2. With DD I fell PG the first month of trying, suffered an MC and then was PG again 6 weeks later.

Now I'm not silly. I know how lucky we were to fall PG so easily both of those times and I know it's unusual, but I am already thinking that I don't want to just keep trying month after month after month. And I want to put a time limit on it, for my own sanity and mental wellbeing.

DH just doesn't get it. "Just relax and enjoy it, try not to think about trying for a baby".

Please tell me that I'm not the only one who thinks that's impossible!! I tried to explain that once you start TTC it's an emotional rollercoaster (mostly for women) of working out when you OV, SWI at the right times then you move into the dreaded 2ww, then AF arrives, you feel low and then it all starts again.

He just doesn't get it. He has a much more realistic outlook saying that it could be years. But I don't want to try for years!! I'm 38 in 4 weeks, I will most likely have GD again (I did last time when I was only 34) and the older I am, the more likely it will stay after PG. Plus my knees hurt going up and down the stairs now and my back has hurt when I'm in bed eversince being PG with DD, so none of this will get any easier...

Anyway, sorry, I just needed to rant...

By the way - it might sound like I don't want another DC but I really really do!! I just don't want to go through the emotional trauma and sadness each month it doesn't work, for years to come...

err ........... I tend to agree with your DH - you sound as though you are putting yourself under a huge amount of pressure and it is only the second month of trying to conceive ... please, just try to relax a little. There is nothing more off putting that someone who is 'desperate' and perhaps your DH is feeling that. If you want to put a time limit on it, then do, that's probably a good idea.

In my case it took about 10 months to conceive, I was 42, we didn't do any of the working out etc etc (didn't know what that meant until I joined MN ).

Good luck.

It's not impossible.

And you are declaring it impossible without having even tried it.

There is no need to turn into an emotional basketcase obsessed with SWI and ovulation dates.

You can just enjoy it, have plenty of sex and see what happens.

Admittedly that gets old after a few months (4-6 IME) and if you're still not pregnant you will probably want to start making special efforts.

But your insistence on getting so wound up about it so soon is a choice.

You could just chill out for a bit and hope it happens.

Most gps will tell you that as long as you are doing it ref
Regularly and around the time of ovulation ( say every other day for a week) then it will be fine. After all it only takes one!!!

stress makes it harder to conceive, sperm lives for a long time in your body. Thus the marginal effect of bonking at the right time on the probability of conception is very likely outweighed by the stress effect. So in an ideal world you would just have sex every day or so. If your reaction to this is "do i have to?" then you might want to have a pre-conception period where the aim is just to get to enjoy sex agaiin.

"I tried to explain that once you start TTC it's an emotional rollercoaster (mostly for women) of working out when you OV, SWI at the right times then you move into the dreaded 2ww"

You need to stop putting yourself under so much pressure because conception really does not work like this.

Two weeks wait is a misnomer really; it is not the case at all that there is around 2 weeks between ovulation and the start of the next period.

The above as well is a sure way of turning yourself into a TTC basket case. Ovulation is not an exact science and a person can ovulate earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle. Also any timing of intercourse is a particularly bad idea as it can put pressure on the relationship particularly if one of you does not feel like having sex.

I think most of you have highlighted what actually is the crux of the problem for me... I don't want to have sex. Not interested. At all. Never have been. Once I've been in a relationship for a few months I just lose interest completely, I'd rather read a book.

Strangely the only time that I felt that I really wanted it, was when I was PG with DD. I've had various discussions with the GP and she has said that it's definitely a hormone thing with me. Definitely worse on the pill. Once we actually get down to it, I quite enjoy it, but am also quite happy once it's over.

Maybe that's why DH isn't keen on you turning into a scientific experiment. He sees the chance of lots of sex on the horizon, but if you conceive on your first well-timed attempt, that's his fun out the window!

I know my DH was really annoyed that all 3 of mine happened on the first 'try' as the promise of lots of sex with no condoms was cruelly snatched away from him as soon as the morning sickness set in!

Perhaps as Witch suggests, try to get back into enjoying sex, then if the baby comes along, you've got 2 great things out of this. Coming off the pill will no doubt help you to enjoy it. Maybe once your family is complete you could find another method of birth control to help you to continue enjoying sex?

Doingit - Unfortunately for him, I already know my cycle like the back of my hand and make sure that we do it every other day (sometimes every day) for at least 8 or 9 days up until CD16 which is when I OV. Then carry on up until OV18 just in case I'm late!

And the thing is, when we're actually SWI, he never suspects that I'm not enjoying it, because invariably I do, it's just that it's never top of my agenda of things to be doing! The thought of it is tiring!

I'm just the same - once we are trying - it consumes me. But I think I kind of enjoy it.

I just try not to let my dh see that I am obsessed cos it stresses him out.

I sort of understand what the OP means. I really think it depends on what sort of person you are. I'm the sort of person that can be sitting on the sofa and DH casually mentions that a holiday in Egypt might be nice. By the next evening, I've researched flights, checked hotel reviews and looked at our department's holiday calendar to check potential dates. That's just what I do. I like to a have a rough idea of what I'll be doing in three months' time, six months' time, etc. I think I just enjoy planning ahead.

I'm only in my first cycle of TTC and I'm already finding it hard NOT to look into the future and wonder what my life will be like in a year's time.

I know this is unrealistic when TTC, but it's hard to switch off if you're wired that way.

Oh my god, purplefairies I am EXACTLY like that!

My first TTC cycle starts on Sat and I know I'm going to be awful at taking it as it comes.

Two months, two months?!

Normally the 'relax' advice really annoys me - as someone who had to ttc for a long long time.

Two months is nothing. It's not even a hiccup.

The average time is around 5-6 months, fyi.

Purple and Nicola, are you me???!!!

I too have to know what's happening and have to have planned everything meticulously. I am incredibly organised and work from home (rephrase 'to work - while intermittently checking MN') which is a frightening combination.

I have been planning my DD's birthday party (to the letter) since March and she's only going to be 3!!!!.

It's almost like I need to be organising something and TTC is no different. Hence why even though on previous occasions I've fallen PG quickly, I still absolutely know what my cycle's doing because from month one, I temp'd, I checked CM etc etc.

So actually, what I really need to do is having something absolutely mammoth to organise to try and keep my mind occupied elsewhere.

Kitty, I know what you mean. I feel 'all-consumed' aswell!

DH and I stopped using any form of contraception about two years ago and have just relied on timing to prevent pregnancy. It's all very well just seeing how it goes, but on the whole, you do need to be in the ball park to score. There must be a middle ground that would suit you both?