When I started my infertility journey I remember scouring the internet for hope in any form - positive stories, latest news articles, medical break throughs etc, and this board in particular was one I used to lurk on. I promised myself a while back that if I ever got to a good point in my journey I'd post on here to give others that same hope I craved. So here's to keeping promises (sorry - this is long!)
I'm now 34 and my DH is 37 and we have been TTC #1 for about 3 years. I came off the pill in Oct 2009 when I was still 31 thinking myself to be very young to embark on this journey...My DH has always been massively keen on having children and I was the one dragging my heels - we'd been married for 3 years at this point and I was basically running out of excuses. So I was quite reluctant at the beginning and wasted some months not 'trying' at the right times - oh, isnt hindsight a marvellous and cruel thing.
And so started the familiar and crushing cycle of month after month increasingly pressurised and robotic sex followed by heart breaking disappointment. At first we tried, as I am sure many of you have, to spice things up - keep up the pretence that the trying was still enjoyable in and of itself (yeah right!). Slowly we gave that up too...not that easy when DH is looking at you with big sad eyes...
Anyway my DH has always been convinced he'd have difficulty conceiving - perhaps because its the thing he has wanted most in the world, and so 18 months after we first started trying I found myself sat in an IVF clinic at DH's insistence. Despite our history I was still convinced there was nothing wrong with us - my Mum took years to conceive her first, and I assumed I was just following in those footsteps. By this time DH had had his first sample back from the GP which showed 'excellent' quality all round, and all my blood tests with the GP were clear.
So I literally felt like someone had punched me in the stomach when the Dr told me I had high FSH/low AMH and he advised IVF asap (I think his words were 'I wouldnt want to see you in here in 18 months time...").
My fault. My problem. My guilt. For those that like details my AMH was 4.4 and FSH was 11.1 - age 33 at this point (oh, and the GP had not understood my blood results - if she had, I'd have been referred 6 months earlier as they were clearly flagging issues). Dark times - in the main because I felt I had let DH down, I was denying him what he'd wanted since forever, it was all my fault and I still carry round guilt. Cue conversations (hysterics) started by me about divorce, it not being too late for him to start again with someone else etc etc. DH, bless him, put up with this for about a month before nicely, but firmly, telling me to shut up.
And so we started IVF - we only had one NHS funded cycle in our area. I was told that I was lucky to scrape in as the FSH cut off was 12. I was put on 300mg Menopur (highest at that clinic) and was convinced at every stage I'd fail. But I managed to respond at every stage, I had no symptoms from any of the drugs and ended up getting 6 eggs, 3 of which fertilised, and 2 (both 8 cell grade A/B) embies being put back on day 3. 16 days later (and 8 tests) I got my first ever BFP.
Shock and joy. Simple as that. And I promised myself then and there, that I'd put this story on the net, as soon as I got to 12 weeks, to prove that it was possible.
Things didnt feel right at 12 weeks. I'd had a really symptomless first 12 weeks - genuinely never any sickness, mild achy boobs at the beginning but that disappeared, but a few small bleeds and lots of discharge. Got to the 12 weeks scan - everything looked perfect, and that's when I started to feel not quite right. Strange stomach pains - not crampy, quite sharp. A week later I was sick for the first time. I thought I had a bladder infection - but that came back clear. 13 weeks and 5 days - I had a bleed and went for an emergency scan, which showed everything was fine. Exactly the same happened the next day - and again, the scan was perfect. The next day, at 14 weeks exactly, I miscarried.
I never realised you could actually have a 'mini labour' when miscarrying. I sat on the sofa having contractions for about 3 hours, refusing to name them or tell DH. After about 3 hours the pain became too much to keep it to myself. An hour later my waters broke. And that was that. The stupidest stupidest thing I did in this period was go back to work after a week - my one piece of advice to any woman who suffers the same is take time off, no job is worth it - and I suffered for this decision a few months later.
The miscarriage was probably the most traumatic thing I've ever been through and I'll never forget it or my first little grower. But time heals and memories stop catching you by surprise so much. And my personal experience is that whilst the miscarriage was terrible and painful and sad, infertility is constant and grinding and wears you down - it seeps into every aspect of your life all of the time - so if you can deal with that, you can deal with anything.
So to fast forward 4 months, I'm now aged 34, and we're back to the IVF clinic as a paying customer. The Dr wanted to retest my FSH and said PROVIDED my results hadnt deteriorated we could expect a similar outcome. Cue a new FSH result of 15 - above the level that even some private clinics will treat you with! So here we are feeling back to square 1, with no confidence that this will work for us. This time we got 4 eggs and we were both really upset - you always hear IVF is a numbers game and so we felt our luck was running out. But 3 fertilised and we had a day 3 transfer of 2 (one 8 cell grade A and once 7 cell grade B) embies again...
Yesterday I had my 7 week scan and it looks like its twins.
As soon as I got the BFP this time I promised myself I'd write all of this down and put it on here straight away. Medicine is a wonderful thing and my personal feeling is that when dealing with fertility by and large Drs are correct in predicting trends from various results, but they dont have the answers for everything. My DH and I have stayed relatively healthy for the whole of our journey, and I did acupuncture for about 18 months and took all the common 'fertility' vitamins - CoQ10, L'Arginine, Omega 3 and Pregnacare. And at the end of the day we supported each other and grew closer and learnt to accept whatever life threw at us.
If this brings one person comfort, that's enough. We're brave brave men and women out there, and should be proud of ourselves just for that.