Anyone else fed up with being judged as a "younger" mum trying to ttc?

[Maghribia]

Really don't want to sound moany but wondered if others were in the same boat.

I am in my mid-twenties - quite a standard time to have children imho. I have nothing against people having children whatever age they wish to, however I am quite surprised at the negative reactions I have got when telling people I am ttc.

I am constantly told "I am so young/look so young" that I have "nothing to worry about at my age" (I clearly do, as I have severe PCOS and low AMH) that I'm "mad to want a baby before 30" and other such comments. I think going along to the clinic alone may not help - a lot of other women have partners with them and there was even a young couple of 19/20 who were not even questioned re age (I could literally hear almost every conversation without trying as the walls were so thin).

It's not just in the clinic though - the other day in the hairdresser the stylist constantly told me I "looked younger" and "was so young to be thinking of kids" and proceeded to announce to the whole salon her thoughts on the matter. Straight after as I was sitting outside in Starbucks a man passed and laughed about the book I was reading, saying "you don't have to read a book to tell you how to get pregnant, if you don't know the facts of life I'll show you how". I know it sounds petty but I felt really upset. I've just been through a MC, I've had countless tests, they are now talking about ov drilling, I am feeling emotionally drained and I am worn out with not being taken seriously on top of all this. I do not feel young whatsoever, they do not know the experiences I have had.

Just looking for a bit of support really, don't want to come across as whiny.

I had my first when I had just turned 22, I didn't feel 'young'. I now have 2 children and I'm 26 so I'm not young but I don't think I'm old either. Perhaps the comments are just creating conversation / complimenting you? If you look young that's a good thing isn't it?

I thought that at first but it's really not said in that tone - it's more like "you must be mad to want to do it now" if you see what I mean. It's vaguely incredulous as opposed to said nicely. I'm not really not being oversensitive, even the woman behind me in the clinic said she thought all the comments were a bit much while we had a chat on the way out (without me mentioning that I was upset)

Perhaps I need to change my manner with the doctors and nurses - I've always been v smiley and tried to keep a chin-up attitude but perhaps that made me seem ditzy instead?

And actually, to be honest, I'd rather look my age than "young". In my culture age brings respect and I find the idea of looking like a teenager a bit of an insult to all the stuff dp and I have been through, iyswim. Not sure how to articulate that any better sorry.

Perhaps I am just in a low mood tonight, bad news again today.

Not that there's anything wrong with looking like a teenager, that didn't come out right. I would prefer not to be perceived as one, though, especially while paying extortionate medical bills, when I clearly am not one.

In my culture age brings wrinkles
I understand what you mean though, do you feel like your having to constantly argue/explain yourself to these people? Perhaps you are being over sensitive but i think you have good reason.

Something similar I experienced was when i was pg (already had a ds) people asked if I knew what the sex on my baby was, I replied "yes another boy" and alot of people replies with "oh never mind". Like it was a 'bad' thing people are so insensitive at times.

Hi

Just wanted to add something different but somehow similar.

I am 32 so not at an age that people tell me I'm too young to TTC. However, I look young for my age (I'm told) and occasionally get insensative comments along the lines of "it will happen" "you have got loads of time but you need to forget about it for a while". People can be very dismissive.

These comments aren't insensative in themselves. But having had a miscarriage and 2 years or ttc with nothing more and a diagnosis of severe tubal disease we know it won't just "suddenly happen". I too am exhausted and emotionally drained. So I can really relate to Maghribia's feelings about peoples judgements.

On the otherhand I don't go in to detail with most people about our difficulties - so they can not be expected to know the extent of the problems. But then again, people shouldn't be so rude as to give comments / opionions on such matters when it hasn't been asked for. I am coming to the opinion that most people are naive about ttc issues which some of us face. Very often people don't expect that women under the age of 40 may have TTC difficulties.

They can't walk in our shoes because they don't even know that the shoes we have exist. Hope that makes sense. Keep doing what you are doing Maghribia. One day, you will be very proud of how proactive you have been. TTC is not easy! Good luck

Sarlat x

Meh, I thought you meant young young.

I left the wtewye boards when I realised I was double the age of many. Particularly those rocking the "high school seniors TTC" tickers! ;)

I think maybe you should be a little more selective about who you tell you are ttc - if you tell people like your hairdresser you are inviting them to make comment.

I think mid 20s isnt young at all. I had DD at 23 and now second one at 28 I am older than most mums and dads at my nursery. I look very young for my age as does DH but I know the ages of the other parents and know I am older than most of them. Dont worry about it I wouldnt class you as a young parent.

I am 29 and currently pg with DC1. I have been told I look "far too young" which I took offence to as I'm mature for my age and have been with DP for 10 years so feel more than ready. People will just open their mouths and spout crap their opinion and not give it a second thought, unfortunately you can't do much about that. Or you could take the classic MN passive-aggressive approach and say "oh, did you mean that to sound so rude? Of course I'm old enough, whatever that means"

But I think there is something you can do - like Casmama says, don't be so willing to give the information. Professionals you're speaking to about TTC should not be making judgements like that - and I'm sure you could call them on it if they do - but with regards to hairdressers etc, just don't tell them.

I know what you mean I am 25 went to the doctors the other day as I have been ttc for a year, she told me I was young I will be fine, to wait another year :( I explained I had been monitoring my cycles, using opk and was dtd at the correct time. She dismissed it all & said she wouldn't see me about fertility issues for another year.
I was so cross, I know I have years of childbearing left in me but just because I am 25 it doesn't mean my dh and I aren't as desperate for a baby as an older couple. I've decided to wait another couple of months and then I will be visiting a different doctor!!

Sarlat, you are spot on and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words. Thank you and to all of you who posted supportive messages :)

By the way, I didn't actually tell the hairdresser - I was reading a book about ttc in what I thought was a fairly discreet way and she shouted it out across the salon. Even when I was having my hair washed over at the sink, after explaining the condensed version of my ttc problems she then did a stage whisper "Are you sure you're not pregnant!" Erm... NO!

Sorry for ranting, today has been another disappointment, just poas and negative as usual.