How should I support my friend ?

[didireallysaythat]

A dear friend has told me she's about to start IVF. She's watched me go through a miscarriage, a successful pregnancy, a miscarriage and another successful pregnancy. I want to offer her all the support possible, without getting in her face or whittering on about things that will upset her. As her only confident, I really do want to do everything possible.

For all those who are going or have gone through IVF, what did you want to talk about, what did you really hate talking about, and do you have any tips for making what looks to me as a complete outsider as a exciting but scary roller coaster of a ride any easier to face ?

First- what a kind friend you are! And how thoughtful to ask. The fact you're even thinking about it suggests that it will be okay :-) It's a tricky balance between positivity and realism, so I guess you can only take your lead from her.

But it's useful to know that all fertility treatment is essentially 'diagnostic' until it works - ie even when something goes wrong, they are learning something about you via trial and error which will help with the next stage of the process. Fundamentally it's a journey and the majority of women have positive outcomes. But the stakes are so high it can feel like a hideously lonely process.

Remind her that nothing; not fate, nor stress nor her own 'fault' will impact on the outcome. At the end of the day, she can do everything 'right' and still meet with failure. There is a tiny bit of conception that not even the super scientists can control, so that bit is down to luck. So wish her good luck and be ready with the vino if it doesn't work first time.

You're very thoughtful for having this on your radar.

I would say that asking her how she's doing in an open way to enable her to talk about things either physically or emotionally is really helpful. The physical side of IVF is significant and it may be as well that sometimes it can be easier to talk about that than the emotions.

Also, don't push for specifics unless she wants to give them - I've had friends who have wanted to know every last detail of when we are having the transfer etc and that feels like a bit of an invasion of privacy as obviously then they can work out when you are testing.

Oh and don't take it personally when she's a grumpy, hormonal cow - bear in mind that it's just the drugs and your lovely, sane friend will be back with you presently.

I think those open questions like 'so how's things' good as then I am free to talk a lot or a little. Anything you can say that is generally soothing, calming, reassuring, positive in the long term sense etc I find helpful. Sometimes just contact with friends is helpful even if you don't discuss directly its nice to know people care and are there for you.

Thank you all. I shall follow her lead and just chat about whatever she wants to. I don't want to avoid the subject altogether because I thought that in some way that would suggest that I didn't care, wasn't interested etc, but I'll just make it clear that if she wants to talk about it, great, if not, we'll talk about something.

As for the hormonal swing - I hadn't really thought about that (see - I haven't quite got my head around things yet) so the heads up is much appreciated. Having said that, I work with a whole load of hormonal cows and a lot of them are male... so I should be able to cope with that...

Thanks again