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Conception

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Original poster

Desperate to be a mum

11 replies

motherclucker · 06/03/2012 21:53

People tell me I'm crazy, but I'm ridiculously broody. I'm 20, been with my partner for 4 years, who I live with, and we both have well paid, full time jobs. I know I can support a child and my partner is open to considering the idea, but when I mentioned it to female family members/friends, they all said I was being ridiculous and hormonal. I don't think I'd do a bad job of being a mum, but I'd rather know what to expect before committing to changing my entire life. HELP?!

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 06/03/2012 21:55

A dog? Might stem the broodiness for a few years :)

duchesse · 06/03/2012 22:03

I second the pet suggestion. It seems to be most people's course anyway- get a pet (often a dog) then 1-2 years later have a baby. You seem quite young to me to settle down and have a family but I don't know your circumstances- it might be a perfect decision for you. Have you done everything that you wanted to do before having children? (eg, travelled the world, been to tons of festivals, etc...)

HappyCamel · 06/03/2012 22:03

You might well do a great job but live a little for yourself first. Travel, stay up late (and not cos your babyis screaming), go to museums, the theatre, nightclubs, fancy restaurants. All the things it's hard to do with kids.

Also, I know not everyone is bothered but. Personally, I'd be married first.

Original poster

motherclucker · 06/03/2012 22:06

I already have a cat & 3 lizards (inherited as my cousin's rejects), and my cat is my baby but I still feel like a baby is the right thing. I've done the festivals/travelling/partying, and I feel ready to settle down, my partners 22, what's the biggest change when you have a baby?

OP posts:

philbee · 06/03/2012 22:07

What do you mean when you say that you'd rather know what to expect? Presumably you know some children. That's about all the preparation you can get really, there's not much that can prepare you for being a parent IMO. If you are financially ready and emotionally ready that's about it. I guess you might feel that you'd missed out on doing party party things in your 20s, or travelling etc. And once you have children it's very difficult to retrain in a different career if you decide you want to do that.

But on the other hand your child would be independent before you're 40, so you could do those things then if you can wait. I couldn't have looked after a child at 20 because I was pretty self-focused, and wouldn't have had the patience. But not everyone's like that. If you're really serious, can you have a proper talk to your female relatives? It is much easier if you have the support of family.

Dalrymps · 06/03/2012 22:12

I would wait a little. Kids can be great but there's no doubt that things become more difficult once you have them. Going out, planning trips, going to the toilet alone

If I were you I'd ask myself

if there are any qualifications I need to get (studying a lot harder around children).
if there's anywhere I really want to travel to before having children.
Any concerts I want to go to?
any other things I want to experience first?

Of course you can do all these things once you have kids but it's just a lot harder. I would maybe plan to save a bit of money too as you don't know how you'll feel about work etc and might need extra to get you by once baby is here..

These are all the things I wish I'd done I'd maybe read some of the threads on here by people struggling with a difficult baby/ toddler to get a more realistic idea of what you're getting yourself in for!

Having kids is the hardest job there is, extreme highs and lows and can be very rewarding. One thing is for sure, it changes things forever and never again will you just be responsible for yourself. Have a good think would be my advice

LulaBear · 06/03/2012 22:17

I can't tell you your crazy because I'm 20 too and desperate to have a baby if the times right for it, I think you should go for it! Your circumstances sound all sorted.

philbee · 06/03/2012 22:34

There isn't really a 'biggest' change. Your whole life changes for good. It's much more difficult to get out in the evening, go to a class etc., even work at all, let alone full time. I felt certain before having DD that I could sort it all with childcare, but when it came to it I just wasn't happy about leaving her with nurseries or childminders and ended up quitting my job and taking up a much more junior job, very part time hours.

I would like to retrain and the course is funded, so money's not the problem (luckily we survive on DH's income), but the course is two years full time. That would mean that even if DD were at school I would have to arrange for someone else to take her there and have her after school every day, which we just couldn't afford and which would be miserable for her and for me. So it just isn't logistically possible for us and I will stay in my old career. That's it.

Today I had planned to go for a walk with a group while DD was at preschool in the afternoon. This morning she was sick (on me), so she can't go to preschool, and I can't go for my walk. We didn't leave the house all day.

Things that single people can start straight away or within a year are planned five, ten years ahead when you have children. You basically have no freedom in any aspect of your life any more, there is almost no spontaneity and you have a lot less money, especially when you use paid for childcare. It is a very hard adjustment in the beginning, especially as newborns are the most demanding in lots of ways.

I wouldn't change any of it though. Not even the vomit!

philbee · 06/03/2012 22:37

I don't mean 'single people', sorry, I mean people without children. Is that a weird Freudian slip? :o

Maghribia · 06/03/2012 23:11

Hi hun I know exactly how you feel, I am mid 20s but my desire for a baby started around your age.

It sounds like you're stable enough and after all some people are older and married and don't have much money, and aren't particularly nice to their kids either. I don't think the age or marital status of a parent determines how good they are.

In fact, although I would completely support any woman of any age who wanted to have a baby, biologically we are made to have our children in our twenties, so I don't see any reason why you shouldn't start now. It's a fairly recent thing to leave it until later, and I think that to say you are just being hormonal etc is a bit dismissive and patronising to be honest.

Obviously there are practicalities to be taken care of and less freedom to do exactly as one pleases but I am sure you would manage. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about it further.

LauraM20 · 07/03/2012 07:16

I felt the same at your age, I am now 26 and so glad I waited!
I've been able to do some amazing things with my husband like go on safari, have the wedding of our dreams, go to new York, buy and decorate a lovely house. I have been able to get quite high up in my career and we are in a position financially, go on girly holidays with my friends(a must!) and enjoy spending time with my husband! I wouldn't haven't been able to do most of these things with a baby, you will never get this carefree time for just the two of you back again and it's a special time, I'd make the most of it for a couple more years! :)

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