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Conception

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Original poster

Waiting to ttc #1, what do I say to nosy people?

16 replies

WannabeEarthMomma · 24/02/2012 19:27

DP and I are not ttc, we are waiting to ttc #1, due to financial reasons. As we are both getting on a bit (I'm 30) and not married yet, we tend to get small talk along the lines of 'when are you two going to get married and start having babies??' I wouldn't dream of asking anyone, even my immediate family, about their family planning issues, so it's hard for me to know how to answer a question like that.

My honest answer to this is - we are going to wait until we have gotten out of debt and can afford a bigger flat. DP and I have discussed the sensible option of waiting for about a year and are both happy with it. However we have had some strange reactions:

Some friends are a bit better off than us and one in particular can't seem to get their heads around how we could be in this trouble in the first place. It ends up with us being lectured on how to budget, by someone assuming we must be spending frivolously, and I get upset. If I wanted a conversation like that I would give Edwina Currie a call!

Some friends have families that are supported, either partly or fully, by welfare (and I personally don't think there's anything wrong with that), who have taken my statement of 'we are going to wait until we can afford to have kids', as a personal attack on their lifestyle.

I have actually entertained the idea of telling people we can't have kids, just to stop them badgering us about it. It winds me up that people who have problems conceiving are, quite rightly, given sympathy, but God forbid anyone should choose to wait a bit!! Do they realise I'm not doing so just to spite them!

I feel like I can't discuss this without someone finding something to get offended about. I would love to just say, 'That's a very personal question.' and change the subject, as I would if it were a stranger asking. But I accept that some people are nosy and like to stay in touch with what is happening in their loved ones' lives, and we don't want to upset anyone by excluding them. What would you say?

OP posts:

ArielNonBio · 24/02/2012 19:29

It's rude and it's none of their business, no matter how well meaning they are. I would go with the "That's a very personal question".

People have given up asking me. Though one woman who I met at a Christmas party got more than she bargained for when she asked if I wanted kids .

notnowImreading · 24/02/2012 19:36

Don't tell them you can't have babies - I did this once to punish a nosy friend and she hasn't stopped asking about doctors etc and is, if anything, even more intrusive now.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/02/2012 19:39

People are generally just making conversation and most people love a baby, so don't think before they comment, I genuinely believe they ask with good intent.

Anyway, why not just say 'Oh... we don't want to rush into sleepless nights, we are having far too much fun practising!!! '.

soandsosmum · 24/02/2012 19:59

What about, yes, We will do soon I guess

Chunkychicken · 25/02/2012 08:10

DH & I have been together 10.5yrs and got married 2.5yrs ago. We were both 29 at the time (although I turned 30 a couple of weeks later). On our wedding day, people kept asking us/telling us to have babies etc. As it happened, our DD was a little unknown passenger/guest at the wedding & arrived 8mths later, making everyone feel very smug!!!

At the time, I just laughed it off, saying 'we'll see' & 'I don't know' & generally non-commital things - I didn't expect to be pg because we hadn't started TTC, just stopped preventing really & didn't want to discuss it either.

It is s problem as old as the hills though - my DM & DD got married 40+yrs ago when she was 19, & for ~10yrs people would ask them when they were going to have babies. After all that time, I think people just stopped asking, assuming they 'couldn't have kids' then I came along...

Have you tried not answering?? What about the 'I don't know, when did you decided it was the right time?' Or the 'I have to wait for him to ask me to marry him first...' & avoid the TTC/babies bit entirely?

I don't think people mean to upset, but marriage & babies are such emotive/personal issues that anything you say/ask can cause problems!! I would just be vague & maybe say 'in a year or two, we've got time, but we haven't decided yet'.

Good luck x

AnxiousPanxious · 25/02/2012 08:22

Don't say you are having troubles. That's trivialising what it is like to have troubles. You'll hurt someone who finds out later that you were just a bit pissed off with nosey people.

I'd just practise a very detached and deadpan stare that makes them very uncomfortable about being so bloody nosey.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 25/02/2012 08:28

I was fairly young when I got married, and even so there was a veritable storm of questions about starting a family. It died down after a year or so. DS was born about 5 yrs later.

I did use the 'that's a very personal question' response once, but it was to someone who I didn't know very well, and I was ttc at the time and it wasn't happening so felt a bit touchy about it.

If people are asking you the marriage question I would probably keep it jokey along the lines of 'he hasn't asked me yet'...

KatAndKit · 25/02/2012 09:47

Say "did you really just mean to ask me about my sex life and contraception choices?"

That should shut them up. It is utterly inappropriate to ask people if they are planning on having unprotected sex any time soon.

Although Chipping In's suggestion is rather more lighthearted if you don't want to piss people off!

Pipbin · 25/02/2012 12:02

I hate when people ask that. Don't they know how hurtful it is if you have been trying for ages or even worse had MCs that you haven't told the world about.
I do wish people would mind their own business sometimes.

TuesdayNightClub · 25/02/2012 13:10

I would just say "ach, plenty of time for all that in the future" or something non-commital. None of their business but I would rather keep it all lighthearted.

I'm oddly enough in the opposite situation, we are TTC and for some reason a lot of people say things along the lines of "oh you don't want to rush into having children" "oh don't give up your child-free life until you are much older" "don't make the same mistakes I did..." without realising that I would desperately love to make the same "mistakes" they did, if my silly body would only allow it

sedgieloo · 25/02/2012 13:17

I had a lot of experience with this I was married 17 years before dd. Didn't try all that time mind. I would say coyly 'We are thinking about it' and I never got any more questions! People would smile knowingly and I must of said it in a way to make them think they should now mind their own business, but it satisifed them somehow. Worth a try?!

MrsTwinks · 25/02/2012 13:42

My only advice is don't engage it, but chances are it won't stop if they are the type to pester. We tried every response to avoid the asking and asking, the only one that worked even a bit was telling our parents every time you ask we add 3 months onto the waiting time - seems that was the right mix of funny and fuck off for them to get the point.

Still didn't stop the relatives who don't know we've only just started TTC implying we must have been trying ages and DH must be broken, so you will never win in my experience, so just tell them what you feel comfortable with, be it xy or z.

barbigirl · 27/02/2012 13:24

And bear in mind that when you do have kids, you might turn into a person who is keen to know when other people are! This kind of nosiness is the most natural thing in the world. I try hard to stop myself asking but often is just pops out :-)

Original poster

WannabeEarthMomma · 27/02/2012 23:32

I don't think it's just a 'thing that mums blurt out' barbigirl , I think people with or without kids have the potential to blurt out nosy questions, if they happen to be that kind of thoughtless person.

The kind of person who greets you with 'ooh you look knackered', instead of the traditional 'hello, how are you?'. ... I am starting to think maybe a few people I know are actually psychopaths!!

It drains all my energy to be polite to people who can't be arsed to do it in return, but that doesn't mean I'm going to accept it.

OP posts:

Original poster

WannabeEarthMomma · 27/02/2012 23:46

KatandKit I like the 'did you really mean to ask me about my sex life?' idea. Some women like to chat with their friends and female relatives about their sex lives - I used to do it, before I met my DP. Now I feel it would be unfair on him if I gossiped about our shared private matters. I know people are thinking about the potential baby not the deed itself but I can't feel like my privacy is being invaded when people ask.

I feel so embarrassed talking face-to-face with people about issues I feel are private. I would like the nosy person asking to know what that feels like! Next time someone asks I might say something like, 'DP and I prefer to keep our bedroom activities private actually...'

Hopefully the sudden mental image of DP and I having sex would mortify them into silence!

OP posts:

LtheWife · 28/02/2012 01:06

I tend to reply with "When we are ready. We'll know when the time is right for us" and pretty much leave it at that, they don't need to know the details of why we're waiting and I don't feel the need to justify our decision to wait by expanding on the answer. If I'm having a particularly grumpy day they might get a curt "Not yet" before changing the subject. That tends to get across that it's not a topic that's up for discussion.

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