Starting to realise TTC after MC is actually having an impact on me

[birdofthenorth]

Not sure whether Conception or Miscarriage was the best place to post this, sorry.

Have a beautiful DD aged 18mo. Miscarried a bit gorily at 11.5 weeks in November. I've been coasting on by since then thinking I am fine and taking the MC in my stride (with the exception of a few secret cries on Boxing Day) as I know how lucky I am to have DD. Started TTC again pretty much straight away, but trying to be relaxed and not to be obessive about it, BDing when we want to not by the calendar.

However, just got AF again today, and suddenly feel very sad, and for some reason desperate to be pregnant again by the time my other baby would have been due (early June). Have even worked through my cycles and thought about things like "if we get pg in May it'll be due in Valentines week". I can't concentrate at work today (working from home), am teary and just want to sleep for a bit! All a bit silly but I've just taken myself by surprise as I enuinely thought I was fine and totally relaxed about conceiving after MC. It's probably just hormones. And the fact that period blood reminds me of the MC

I truly know how lucky I am and that lots of people on these boards have had multiple MCs and no DC. I also know that November was very recent and miracles are unlikely. Not sure what advice I want... maybe just affirmation that other people TTCing after MC have random shit days? Or positive stories of people who've got pg again after MC without becoming obsessive about it?

Hi Bird,

Im sorry to hear you're having a sad day and I can totally sympathise with you as I feel in a similar situation. We have ds1 aged 2 and I miscarried in Sept at 12 weeks. We've been ttc since with no luck and I'm struggling with the whole thing too. I thought we'd done it this month as AF was late but yesterday it appeared, and I feel gutted. I feel really negative about the whole ttc situation, and my frustration is also driven by the fact that we concieved quickly on the first 2 occasions.

As you say, you're fortunate that you have dd already - as we have ds too - however that doesn't stop you from wanting to concieve again so badly (& quickly!) I know.

I try to focus on positive things, in terms of spending time with ds and thinking how much I should value this time when we have 1 child, as I won't have that quality time again with him. This helps me to stop obsessing about what I want to happen in the future, and stay in the here & now with my family.

I can't offer any advice on making it easier, except to say that you're not alone, your feelings are very real & common in this situation, and hang on in there. I think dealing with the aftermath of a MC can sometimes take you by surprise as time passes, and unless you've been there, its hard to explain to others.

Take care, and fingers crossed that you get a good result re ttc soon xx

Hi birdofthenorth, we were on the June thread together, and I had my mc in November too.

I completely sympathise with you about wanting to be pregnant again by your would-have-been due date, I'm exactly the same. AF arrived for me on Valentines day, and I was completely gutted. I've had two extremely long cycles since my ERPC, we used contraception through the first cycle, but we're actively ttc this cycle. It was so hard not to know when AF would arrive, and even though I was getting negative results on pregnancy tests I couldn't help but get my hopes up a little bit when I was 9 days later than normal, but it wasn't meant to be this month.

I have some days where I barely think about what happened, and if I do I can't quite believe it happened to me. Then there are other days when all I can think about it what might have been and I'm a complete mess. i'm hoping it's all part of the process of grieving and coming to terms with it all. All I can say is I'm still here, it hasn't beaten me and I'm back on that ttc horse whatever happens next!

Women really are remarkable people, and I've found the most amazing ones are here on MN. Take care, get some sleep, and good luck! x

Hi bird. A lot of what you say and what other posters have said is exactly what I went through. I had my mc in July, the baby was due in January. I'm not pg, and I had hoped to be by then and as the months went by I really started to dread it. But the day was very nice and peaceful, and we just did family things (my DD is 3.5). It felt like closure really, and although I still feel sad about it, and sad when I am not pg each month, the pressure of wanting to get it done by that date has eased, and I've felt like I need to focus more on my mental health and making sure I am ok while we are TTCing than get caught up in thinking about timescales. I feel like we are in for the long haul this time as its already several months past the time it took the other two times, so I need to make sure I can manage it ok. There are so many stories on MN of people who got pg quickly after a mc and for me that was a big consolation and I thought I could just pick up again within a few months. It's not happened like that but it's really not been bad, and I think I would have had a lot of issues if it had, to be honest.

I also found AF very difficult after the mc. The first few months I was very scared that I would start bleeding extremely heavily, and wondering what I'd do about it and where the nearest hospital was just in case. But those feelings have faded a lot now, I think it's just the memory fading.

I do feel like TTCing for a long time, or after a mc, and possibly being pg after that as well, is different to the initial excitement and pregnancies which happen very quickly. A lot of women I work with are pg, and the men have wives who are pg, which I find hard. All first children. They talk about it so easily and excitedly, and I know that's how I was too when pg with DD. But now there's so much sadness associated with the mc and the process of TTCing for me, it seems like they're talking about something completely different. Perhaps that's just also the difference between first and susbsequent as well though. Sorry, rambling...

birdofthenorth reading your post was like reading one of my own. I do not have any live children but I've spoken to lots of women who feel some how their loss isn't justified because they have a child. Personally I don't feel that way. Grief is grief and we all have different coping mechanisms. I can't say if it would be any easier to cope with losing four babies if I had a live child to care for or harder because I'd need to hide my pain from them. As it I can break down when One Born Every Minute ads one on or a spontaneous crying fit just takes over and my dog will just look at me like I'm nuts and go upstairs!
I know exactly what you mean about the sadness that AF brings. After losing my first at almost 22weeks the bleeding was enough to send me into a frenzy because it made me feel like I was miscarrying all over again. Now it's more the feeling of disappointment and frustration. I also give myself deadlines which I have no power of getting to. I want to be pregnant by Christmas or when my son died or my birthday...I guess it's me trying to make myself believe I have some control over what happens even though I'm fully aware I have none.
I remember after my first miscarriage I wanted to try straight away and then again after the second and the third I told myself I would give my body a break but instead got pregnant again with no AF in between. I can only explain it as a desperate need to be pregnant. It felt like so much time had been snatched from me and I had to hurry up to get my baby. I knew that physically and emotionally I needed to stop but I couldn't do it. After this last mc which was a mmc I felt totally different and became scared of going through it all again. I felt guilty that my body was killing off my babies and frustrated that the doctors couldn't give me any answers. I had a five month break and for once it didn't feel like my life was on hold and I wasn't counting down the months. What I'm saying is that you can't force yourself into anything. If you want to try again then there's no point trying to stop yourself and if you take a break you will know when you're ready to try again. Now I'm back to obsessing over every 'symptom' whilst I wait another week before I can test.