It's taking a strain on us

[LouP19]

We've been TTC for over 2 years now. We have an appointment at our local fertility clinic in late March. However, the whole 'trying' is really wearing us both down and I'm concerned about the effect it's having on our relationship.

My husband works away regularly, therefore I have to tell him when I'm ovulating. If I don't it's very likely he will be away. I don't give him an exact date, but I say 'it'd be good if you were around between etc' and he gets the gist.

As time goes on he's struggling to perform at these times. So we've got some viagra which initially proved effective (and fun) and was at least taking THAT particular pressure off.

But now we're in a vicious circle. He knows I want this so badly and I feel he resists sex during this time, or at least makes it difficult. He says my desperation makes it very difficult for him, so much that he doesn't even want to try because he hates seeing me so unhappy. He just wants us to relax and 'take it as it comes', but this attitude frustrates me because we need to work together at these times to show a commitment to have sex. The more I do this the more I feel he resists. For the last 4/5 months we've been lucky if we've had sex twice during my ovulation period.

He has a new job which is the focus of his life. But he doesn't understand this is the focus of mine. We tried having a break last summer, both of us secretly hoping something would happen. But it didn't. And my ultimate fear is going through all the fertility process to be told there's absolutely nothing wrong and we both need to 'relax'.

Would appreciate to hear from anyone who's been in a similar experience. We have a good marriage, but we are both seeing this from such different angles. And I just can't ever see myself falling pregnant.

Poor you. We are in a similar boat have been ttc for 2+ years. When we initially started we had a if it happens it happens attitude but the longer you wait the more u want it. Have you been to the Dr yet? We have and came back fine it is frustrating but also a relief. Maybe knowing one way or another would ease the pressure? Also are you sure you are ovulating when you think you are? Remember doing it on the day of ovulation may be too late. Nice to know we are not alone!

Thanks MrsSF. I've had 3 lots of blood tests over the last year which 'indicate' (their words) that I'm ovulating. My husband's sperm has been tested once and has come back as normal. I presume we'll have further tests once we start at the hospital.
I just feel so alone. And my husband doesn't understand at all how I feel. He says we have a good life, a nice home, we're relatively comfortable money-wise, so he says we should focus on these things and that having a baby 'will happen'. But I can't help but perceive his laid back approach as sometimes being 'indifferent'.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It took us a couple if years with our first too. Pretty much the same as you're going through to be honest. We were just about to go for tests when I got pregnant.

It's all very well saying relax, and try not to focus on it, but when you want a baby so badly, you can't have sex without hoping. My dh struggled with it too, he felt very pressured and our sex life was very strained to say the least. To the point I thought it would never happen, as we weren't even having sex.

I know a few people that have said, 'stop trying, then it'll happen'. One of the most ridiculous things you can hear when you want a baby.

It happened for us on my birthday (I was very drunk). Don't know if that made any difference, I was obviously still hoping this would be it. But i was more relaxed than I had been in a long time. I'm not saying get drunk obviously, but sometimes we put soo much pressure on ourselves.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, but I know how you and your dh feel. Try to have some fun with each other, remember how to have a laugh together. You know how much you love each other, or you wouldn't be going through this together.

Hope you have some lovely news soon x

Sounds like a typical mans approach.! Maybe this is his way of dealing with it? He probably hates seeng you upset and is trying to be the calm on and make u feel a bit more positive? Have u told him how u feel? I think with my oh I have accepted that he is rubbish at talking about his feelings but it doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. Although sometimes it does feel like I am more dedicated to it!

I think that's the key - I am clearly more dedicated to it than him. And it's such hard work having to be the lone driver of it all the time, especially even when we do have good months sex-wise, there's no pregnancy at the end of it.

We're really not having much sex at all apart from when I ask him to 'be around' (i.e. he knows I'm ovulating). :-(

Even if you feel like you are more dedicated to the TTC, do you still feel that he is dedicated to your relationship?

I can imagine it's very hard for both of you, and you are reacting in different ways to try to cope. Maybe him throwing himself into work isn't because he isn't dedicated, but just something to engross his attention.

What age are you? Can you think of any major lifestyle factors which might be stopping you conceive?

Sorry to read you're feeling this way, my advice is to keep the communication between yourself and DH strong.

Hi LouP, your post really strikes a cord with me - DH and I have been ttc for over 4 years now and the dynamic has always been me doing more of the planning, analysing, organising us etc, and him having a more relaxed attitude which i've found infuriating at times and also felt quite alone. 2 things have really helped me - firstly on the sex front, porn!. Only softcore stuff, like erotic movies on sky and the internet. Even when we've both not been in the mood after about 10 minutes of watching that we always are and it seems to make it less about ttc and more about just wanting sex. Secondly for the past few months i've been taking a more active approach to managing my own stress and doing things that help me forget about ttc, like regular meditation cds, weekly acupuncture , just having a bath or reading a book or whatever. The more relaxed i've felt the more its helped to bring us onto the same wavelength and made me see that we both want it just as much and we have both been doing what we believe will make it happen the quickest not that he didn't want it if you know what i mean. I know i feel so frustrated at times, and when he's in front of me, its him that i feel frustrated with! Hope that's of some help, good luck with everything. Don't forget that everything has a happy ending, and if you're not there yet it just means you're not at the end yet. x

I agree with carebear, maybe see this as an opportunity to experiment a bit to get you in the mood? To be honest there is nothing that is more of a turn off than knowing you HAVE to have sex and it has to be right now! I usually find that when we get in to it it's fine but when we start it all feels a bit forced. Keep smiling, we'll all get there in the end! Just some faster than others! (Always the type u see on the Jeremy Kyle show!!) Let us know how you are getting on or if you need a rant! xx

I could have written your post at points in the past. We've been through the whole cycle of sex becoming solely about making a baby and to be honest it does still loom over us most of the time. The thing I try to remember when it does get a bit much for DH is that men are not machines and unlike women, its not possible for them just to stick a bit of lube on (sorry, TMI but its true) and get the deed done, if they get stressed they can't do it and then you end up in a cycle of them thinking there is going to be a problem so then it is a problem.

I also think there is a huge misconception that men just want sex 24hrs a day and they don't care who with, they actually do care about their wives/partners and to see their efforts in the bedroom end up with us in tears every month when AF turns up must be upsetting for them. They think they are supposed to be the strong ones and not show emotions because they are men so they find it more difficult to open up and also to just go with the flow.

I have found there seems to be a theme of men also not understanding how precise this baby making thing is. My DH genuinely cannot get his head around the fact that an egg only last between 12 - 24 hrs so you have to hit the right time, he really hasn't got a clue!

I'm sure he is committed to you and your relationship/future together, just make sure you keep communicating, go back to basics and start going on dates together, make some time to do something different. If your DP gets performance issues then just take a step back, stop trying to have 'sex' and just cuddle, kiss, fondle etc. If he can't keep it up he can't keep it up, so no amount of getting stressed or begging to keep going is going to help, you just have to write that session off, as hard as that is to do. I found that the stepping back approach actually resulted in him relaxing and we managed to get going again! Took a few times and some serious will power from me not to get stressed but we broke that vicious circle and things were soon ok again.

It is difficult but you are not alone. Wish you all the best x

I second that you aren't alone

We are approaching the 18 month mark with the likelihood of a baby feeling similar to a lottery win. I'm underway with fertility clinic stuff now but it does take a while. I'm 35 so the clock ticks loudly these days. I doubt they will tell you to relax ( a colleague added herself to the big fat book of relaxing advisors ) I feel like I've been listened to. They may offer you a hsg to check tubes etc, I had a lap at Xmas and they found a large fibroid that is probably stopping me getting pregnant as its blocking my cervix and possibly one tube. I'm glad I know what's going on but it's scary too. If they find nothing and it's unexplained it is scary too, but now I'm out of that category and, for now, deemed infertile, I can't say it feels much better. But, you will feel as if you are on a path moving forwards. I was going to be prescribed clomid before the lump, even though I ovulate. On the thread I haunt the most (10 months +) we have just had two bfps after 16 months - it does happen.

I'm sorry it's being tough on you and dh, but agree its a difficult thing to throw into your relationship. I like the suggestion of spicing things up, the love honey catalogue has been v good for us in that dept

But do remember this. Whilst in real life it feels you are alone, you aren't. There are plenty of us, we just tend to be invisible in the world. Mn has kept me going this past year and I'd be lost without it. All the best to you x

Hey OP - I can't really tell you anything about TTC for 2+ years and fertility treatment but I can say about my experience with my husband!!!

I came off my pill and we just 'carried' on as normal but as more friends and family seemed to be falling pg I felt more desperate. So I started looking at my cycles, telling him about OV dates in advance ect (my DH is called away at the last minute with work and can be gone days so this was quite frustrating).

At one point I thought I might be pg - was getting symptoms and so was over the moon (well secretly inside I was). So we get to the end of the cycle and AF appears, DH comes home to find me in bed having spent a couple of hours crying. The first thing he said was "why don't we take a break from trying" - clearly the wrong thing to say - but with everything going on I wasn't giving any latitude for such things and I let rip.

It all blew up and we had a huge row and I said to him that clearly he didnt want a baby as much as me because I was doing all the planning, organising and analysing. I was shocked by his response - he said that what I was doing was taking the enjoyment out of what used to be a very intimate thing between us and expecting him to act like some sort of performing seal. My face was [shocked] but he wasn't finished there, he went on to say that he wanted to have a child with me more than anything but he kept telling himself that if we never got a child at least he still had me and for a while he'd felt like he didn't even have that to cling to. He felt just like I did - desperate, emotional, guilty that he couldn't make it happen while so many of his friends seemed 'man enough for the job'. But the worst part was when he looked me in the eye and said he didn't even feel that I was attracted to him or that I enjoyed being with him sexually anymore. He said he could almost see my mind ticking over when we dtd and he knew I wasn't thinking about how much I was into it but how many more days we should be doing it so that we would get a baby. He was 100% right about that and it was like a kick in the guts - I thought I'd been hiding it so well, clearly he knew better.

I was absolutely blown away - it never occurred to me that he felt even a tiny bit of some of these things and I collapsed onto him in a heap of tears and I'm sorry. That was a bit of a turning point for us I think - we were able to get it all out there and actually discuss things rather than both bottling it up and hoping that getting the baby would 'fix' everything. From that point on I started seducing my husband at the 'right times' and would text him or leave him notes encouraging him to do the same. Things felt so much better, like I had my husband/best friend back and after a very sad MC we are now pg again (34 weeks) and I can't imagine what I would do without him.

So what am I trying to say in all my waffle - just because he doesnt say it, doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Men cope with situations differently and when it comes to fertility things tend to focus on the woman a lot so sometimes their emotions get overlooked. I think trying to talk it through and both being honest about things will help to remind you what you are really striving for (bringing a life into this world that you have created who will share in the love that you have for each other). So talk, drink, make plans, treat yourselves, have fun with sex and dont give up!!!! Xxx

Gosh, I just want to thank everyone for posting, I've found everything I've read very reassurring. I've felt SO alone during the last few months, and as one poster said, the chance of me getting pregnant has seemed as far off as a lottery win too - so to hear someone else echo my feelings does at least soothe my mind.

So many things ring bells here. Yes my husband has reassured me many times that he wants to have children, but he also reminds me that he's with me because he wants to be with me. So I don't doubt his commitment to our relationship, whereas he has said he feels I only want to be with him because I want a child. This isn't the case, and I have reminded him about this so many times, but when he sees me unhappy each month when my period arrives I can perhaps understand why he makes that conclusion.

But I am now 35 and he's 38, so however reasonable and rational I try to be my clock is ticking louder and louder. And it's unbearable. And it doesn't worry him, which worries me (if that makes sense). I use to panic about having a baby before I got to 35 so I could feasibly have 2 children before I was 40. Now all of that seems so distant to me.

Whatever the answers are I guess I've just got to be patient. And that is the most infuriating thing. There are 3 women on my corridor at work pregnant. And so there's a lot of baby talk. The other day a colleague said to me 'Oh, I'm sorry if this is too much for you, talking about babies all the time' and I was like 'No, you must talk about it, don't make special measures for me', whereas I was screaming inside 'I wish you'd all SHUT UP about it'. And it's this face I have to put on to the world (and have been doing for months) that probably makes me so emotional at ovulation times with my husband.

Anyway, thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. I'm just hoping that when we go to the fertility clinic in March in may, in some way, take the pressure off.

InsomniaQueen - I really identified with your post, I felt a lot of the same things and DW and I did reach a similar point a couple of times. I had a mixture of worrying about getting an erection, worrying about whether I could come, worrying about whether DW was worrying about as many things as me and therefore also not really enjoying it at all (in spite of her assurances) and also worrying that the apparent all consuming need to have a baby meant that our relationship on its own wasn't enough. I really wondered whether not being able to have a baby would end up tearing us apart - a horrific thought, especially if it is playing through your mind when you are DTD!

It is a time when you need to be really honest and open with each other and make sure that you remember that the relationship is priority one, and that needs to form the strong foundation on which you will hopefully be able to build a family. Look after each other, reassure each other how good it is to be together, pick yourselves up and hopefully you'll be able to face anything.