Reluctant Husband

[purplevienna]

AHope this is the right place to post, it's just been recommended by a friend and hope for some advice/support. After 8 years of being with my husband (4 of which married) which have mostly consisted of me whittering on about why I'd like to try and start a family and all the problems that come with being older, it is only now that my husband has decided it's the right thing for us to do. After years of hearing that it's not a good idea - despite all the "we'd both love to start a family" chat before we got married I feel a bit like I've moved on. In Sept I started a 4-year degree, in lieu of family, after having been to counselling to try and remedy the discrepancy (I'm now 37 years) I can't believe he's now finally committed. Having spent such a long time almost in mourning, as it were, for him to now say this, I feel devasted. Should I just have children, or stick to my guns in long term? This course takes about 50-60 hours of my time/week, so no hope of completing if I have a family. Absolutely gutted, so many years wasted, but now he's put it all on me - chance of changing our lives by gaining professional employment or forever 3 of us living on minimal wage? Just feel empty inside and would love to hear from other people about it.

Do you genuinely not want children any more or have you just convinced yourself that you do not in order to come to terms with your husband's earlier position?

Lots of universities will make provision for people to take a maternity break in their courses and many have creshes to help when you get back to studying. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Could you at least explore what the options are at your university? That might help you decision-making process.

i was in the middle of studying for my MA when I fell pregnant in the december of the first semester. I also had two jobs one of which I had to give up but I did manage to complete up to the May of the course.....then 2 years later I came back and finished the final module last summer. the university was very understanding and i know a lot of people who have taken a year out for their baby, my uni even has a nursery on site too.

so you could have both plus with the time it takes to ttc you could get a big chunk of it out of the way before the baby was born.....

good luck with whatever you decide.....

you know yourself but my hunch is you'd regret not having children more than you'd regret not having the career you dreamed of.....

you would be surprised what you can accomplish while being pregnant/having kids. Go for both!

I worked full time whilst doing my law conversion course and had ds during my second part time year. It can be done.

I'm not surprised you're annoyed with your husband pissing away your fertility like that.

Why did you give up so much of your 30s for a timewaster like that?

You're perfectly entitled to have changed your mind.

Although if you have, I wonder will he bother sticking around childless the way he expected you to?

I'm not surprised you're annoyed with your husband pissing away your fertility like that.

Why did you give up so much of your 30s for a timewaster like that?

You're perfectly entitled to have changed your mind.

Although if you have, I wonder will he bother sticking around childless the way he expected you to?

Hmmm, all sounds a bit suss to me.

Do you actually think he is saying it now so he can't ever be accused in the future of never supporting the idea of having kids BUT he knows that you have moved on so he feels 'safe' making it your problem now?

Sounds to me like he still isn't overly keen but is just dumping it on you when he thinks you will make the decision NOT to have kids.

Nice.

Having suffered infertility problems for many years, I would say that it is nigh on impossible to completely move on. Taking your course out of the equation, would you still like to have kids?

If so, then go for it. If not, then tell him he has missed his chance and throw yourself in to this amazing course opportunity. His reaction to your choice will give you an insight in to what his impetus is really coming from.

If you are just not sure but can't bare the thought that you don't take advantage of his change of heart then I would say give yourself a short time-frame to fall pregnant. When that time-frame is up then you will know if your really want to carry on trying or if you are actually happy with having given it a go but also with the life you have set out for yourself.

The course will sort out. You have no idea how long it will take to fall pg. You can take a break mid-course, you can make it work if you want to. It will be bloody hard but it sounds like you are determined and so I am sure you can do it.

Good luck

He was really out of order to agree to have children before you married but then refuse to actually do it! Are you sure he isn't trying to stop you doing your course?

You've asked for some advice (half-baked as it may be!) so here it is...

Have the baby. You're still young enough to catch up on your education.

Good luck.

I felt similarly pissed off with my husband who was the one deciding for us both if and when we started a family. In the end we ended up needing IVF when we finally did start trying.

I'd say if your heart is still yearning for a baby then try for a baby - you have no idea how long it might take. Could be that you don't get pg until your degree is almost completed anyway. Carry on with the degree in the meantime. If you get knocked up then you'll figure out a way of making it work. If you have to put it on hold then it will still be there to go back to when you're ready. Fertility has a shelf life, but learning doesn't.

As someone else has said - you may in the future regret never becoming a mother but you are less likely to regret the career you never had.

I agree with GlueSticks.