almost decided that we can't have another (sorry, long and self-obsessed)

[milquetoast]

I am 44, with a beautiful 18 mo old DD conceived with a donor egg. I am happier than ever before. I really want another baby mainly because I want DD to have a sibling. The problem is my health. I have several problems that add up to make me feel like crap. For the last year I have had carpal tunnel, plus some other hand joint problems (the beginning of osteoarthritis?) that are very painful. Also, I am exhausted all the time. I have a "borderline" underactive thyroid (TSH 4.85, T4 10.5) that the GP doesn't want to treat unless it gets worse. It seems to me that there must be some reason why this all started when DD was about 12 mo old.

Part of me wants to shop for a new doctor who will investigate more or maybe just give me a thyroxine script and see if that helps. Another part says I must accept that we are too old now. Apart from the hand problems and the tiredness, I feel fine. I act, dress and think young-ish. I didn't know that I cared so much until last night when DH told me to face it, another baby would be unwise.

Could I have some kind mn opinions, especially from the "older" mums pls. I didn't know there were several until I read the other conception thread.

I think you should be treated for your 'borderline' thyroid, you know, whatever you opt for - I've just been working on an article which covers underactive thyroids, and 'normal' covers a huge range (at least one major body recommends thyroxine if you're at the low end).

The rest...honey, I just don't know. It's so hard, isn't it' I am a couple of years younger than you and know that I probably just can't face having another baby in the 'remaining' time (I have two, and if I'd done this 10 years ago would have pretty well certainly had another one or two, I realise rather to my amazement). But I also think it's worth questioning your own reasoning and motives - is it only to give your daughter a sibling, do you think?

MI, you are right, total altruism would not make me cry at the thought of pitching the breast pump. But it is a very important reason, as my parents died young. There are so few unselfish reasons for having children.

Oh I know, I don't think there are any frankly.

Your health is so important to you DD and DH, milque. Please get it sorted out before making any decisions.

Also, it might be a good idea to sit down w/your DH and make a list of real pros and cons to having another, and address his concerns, since having another child is about both of you.

If it's only to give your DD a sibling, well, there are plenty of people just on this board who are only children and enjoyed the experience, just as there are those who have siblings they didn't and still don't get on w/it.

Wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

I'm so sorry you're going through this because it's hard, hard, hard.

DD was conceived via fertility treatments, and was born when I was 42. Even though I didn't feel ready for another child, I knew time was running out, so I started trying for another baby when she was 18 months old (exact same age as your dd). Eventually, after about a year of fertility centre visits, I conceived after some aggressive IVF treatments. Sadly, no heartbeat could be detected at about 8 weeks. I was 44 1/2 at the time.

I have now been told by doctors that another baby is not possible for me unless I truly go into the realm of science fiction, with no guarantees. So, I have chosen to come to terms with the fact that dd will not have a sibling, and it has been hard. I keep telling myself that I did what I could, and that medically/physically it was simply not possible. I absolutely could have continued trying, but the invasive medical proceedures, vast expense, and psychological strain would have definitely taken over my life, and so essentially, would have inhibited my ability to enjoy the child I was able to have.

One of the toughest things is knowing when to keep trying, and when to stop. I chose to stop. It is painful to accept that you might not be able to have something you want. There is alot of grief and anger to be worked through.

There is another option which you haven't mentioned, that would give your dd a sibling. Have you considered adopting?

Best of luck with your decision, and keep posting to let us know your decision.

can't add to your other problem, but your low thyroid should be treated. you are just talking about straight replacement, not treatment, there are no side effects of treating, and if your pituitary is producing excessive TSH (which it is at 10.something) then it believes you need more thyroxine in your system and you should believe it rather than a silly gp who is probably trying to save £1.50 per week. change your gp.

Goodness, MT, I could almost have posted that. Its sooo hard, isn't it? I'm 45, with a lovely 2 year old DD conceived via DE IVF - and was told just before Xmas that we're top of the waiting list if we want to try for another.

I don't have any health issues as such, other than midlife tiredness, but did have pregnancy induced hypertension postpartum with DD - which was scary. I'd love DD to have a sibling, and I'd love another baby - at the same time, I cherish the quality of my life with DD and am terrified of not having enough energy/health/life to go around with another. That said, I feel better able to cope now she's 2 than I would have at 18 months - even though I'm six months older.

What I don't know is how much more work 2 kids are than 1, once they're a bit older? And, how much more knackered is a 50 year old than a 45 year old? All impossible ???s as everyone is different, but still they worry me - probably for good reason.

I wholeheartedly agree with getting a second opinion on your thyroid: we put off making a decision over Xmas because we were too tired/low from viruses etc to make that kind of decision, and because I want some medical info. So, I've bullied my GP into giving me an ECG (she thinks I'm fine to go ahead), and am going to see an OB physician on Saturday to talk serious 'whats the health risk' stuff.

Wish you so, so much luck in your decision process...and would love to hear how its going.

Thank you for your posts. I wish I'd stayed up to read them last night.

GP thinks there is no need to treat because although TSH is a bit high, T4 is not low. It would be inconvenient to change GP. She is generally good and location is perfect. I was referred to a rheumatologist who unfortunately agreed with her. He has ordered nerve scans and xrays. I think I will ask for a referral to an endocrinologist. Anyone know a good endocrinologist who takes a more proactive approach to thyroid treatment? I looked on the net and thought I located one but he appears to have lost his license Did you come across any in your research MI?

Earlybird, what a cruel ending that was for you. I am so sorry. But you are right that we must keep enough perspective to be good parents. I am blessed to have DD and if we never have another life will still be good.

Elibean, our clinic is ready for us too. They wouldn't treat me until I finished bf.

Adoption is not out of the question, but we want a baby so there would be the same probs.

gp is wrong.
t3 and t4 have a range of normal. what is normal for one person is low/high for another. the gland that decides what YOUR normal level should be is your pituitary. when it feels you need more thyroxine, it releases tsh to stimulate the thyroid to produce it. so if your tsh level is high, your pituitary is telling you that your levels of thyroxine in the blood are not high enough for YOU.

She should be putting you on something like 25micrograms a day, or even 25 micrograms 3x week (very low doses for an adult) and repeating your bloods in 2 - 3 weeks to see if your tsh comes down into the low end of the normal range. I think you should speak to her again, challenge her on why she is putting more faith in a one-size-fits-all range for thyroxine than she is in your pituitary, and ask to be put on a low dose of thyroxine. The worst that can happen is that your tsh drops dramatically and your t3/t4 levels raise to a bit above the normal range (but they won't go very high on a small dose) and you feel a bit insomniac for a week or two.

FYI I have a child born without a thyroid gland at all so I've got a good 5+ years experience in juggling doses and levels. And my mother is an excellent GP who ALWAYS treats high tsh levels. HTH.

Foreign adoptions of babies is entirely possible, particularly of females.

My old boss just recently adopted a three-week old girl from China - she can't fly till 8 weeks of age so the whole family is having a holiday in China - her fourth child and only girl.

My aunt adopted her third child, also a girl, from India back in 1982.

You convinced me pph. I will give it a go.

Good for you MT; its great having a range of experts here, ain't it?! Go, PPH...

Not sure if you meant you hadn't yet finished BF'ing, but if you haven't - or only recently have - you may find the carpal tunnel settles somewhat afterwards. Hormonal changes can really affect it.

Good luck with the GP!

Yay, Milque! Get your health sorted out! Your so important to your loved ones. And you may find your entire outlook changes once you get your thyroid under control.

Hi Expat, how're the DDs?

We were very interested in adoption at one point...good to hear the China route is open again, 'cos it was temporarily closed (for UK adoptions) when we were looking into it.

good! see what she says. it is just so silly not to treat it when there are NO risks or side effects involved.

thing about thyroxine is that even a small lack can make you feel really really cruddy...

pph, how does no thyroid work? (sorry to hijack, mt!)

Hiya, Eilbean,
DD1 is recovered! Thanks for asking. She was happy to get back to playgroup.

The recent Chinese adoption my boss did was in the US. I don't know if UK ones are still going. How sad if not! Connie - old boss - sent me photos of their new daughter and she's gorgeous! Oooo. Soooo tiny.

My aunt's daughter's adoption was to the US as well. Her husband is from India, but from a southern state called Kerela. They adopted from the northern part of the country, tho. Still an option even today, tho! Plenty of newborn girls, apparently.

Would love to adopt ourselves, but unfortunately it's a bit beyond our means at the 'mo.

no thyroid doesn't work, janh!
It is called congenital hypothyroidism and is diagnosed shortly after birth (hopefully). It is one of the 2 things that the heelprick guthrie test for newborns looks for.
It is just one of those odd things where the thyroid doesn't develop at all or sometimes you get a tiny beginning of a thyroid but it doesn't develop properly.
Children with this have thyroxine daily for life.

Good news re dd, Expat! I remember India being pretty much a no-no for UK...unless possibly one or both parents are Indian nationals too....but not sure about current status on China. I suspect we'll go mad and have one last try at conceiving another this spring, but I have always liked the idea of adopting and may well have to look into it again...thanks for the info.

MT, so sorry to hijack your thread - hijack over!