feeling so empty now my baby is gone

[Claire129]

Hi
I hope I can get a bit of advice from someone who may have been in my situation or can sympathise as I feel so alone.
I have 3 beautiful children and found out at the end of November I was pregnnat and my dh and I were thrilled. At the end of April last year I was in a really bad place and fell pregnant but felt unable to continue with the pregnancy and terminated it. I was haunted by it and REALLY regret this as does my hubby.

I fell pregnant again and we were so happy. Just before xmas I started with tummy pains and went to see dr, he said it was constipation and gave me movicol. By end of the wk no better and cldnt move or walk.
To cut a VERY long story short it wasnt constipation but an eptopic pregnancy which i suggested to the dr who said oh no its not that. I nearly died as i had a huge bleed in my pelvis losing 2 litres of blood.

I was devastated and feel like Karma has played a part. I feel so empty and its Gods way of punishing me for terminating my last pregnancy. I cant move on and really appreciate the kids we have but feel lost.
We have spoken briefly about possibly trying for another in the future as fortunatly i didnt lose any of my ovarys or tubes. I know i should be thankful I am alive and i have 3 kiddies and a wonderful hubby but I feel like i will never get over this and have so much time to think of this as i have got to rest lots before i return to work. I am off for at least another 2 weeks and im soooo sore and tired as im also anaemic.

Please can anyone give me some hope or advice to help me move on

I'm so sorry. I have no experience of this so can't offer you any advice other than God is definitely NOT punishing you. Sometimes the Universe just deals us a shitty, shitty hand :(. Have you been offered any counselling or can you request some?

Look after yourself x

It's still so early in your grieving process that I think you should just take it easy, be kind to yourself and focus on regaining your strength. You lost a lot of blood as well as your pregnancy and from my own experience of miscarriage I know the first month can be very up and down. One minute you feel okay, the next angry, the next upset, etc. I wouldn't make any decisions about what you want to do about trying again or not, either. Just take it one day at a time and if you have the energy to do some small things to cheer yourself up, do them. I'm sorry for your loss. It will get better, but don't rush yourself. You need to grieve - it's important and ultimately you will move on - when you're ready to.

Sweetheart, God is categorically not punishing you. It's just one of those things. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please consider some counselling to deal with both the termination and the miscarriage before you jump right into TTC again. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with in regard to regrets etc. and you and DH should work through this first. Take care of yourselves.

Thank you so much for your lovely kind words, I am considering councilling but wish my dh would open up too to me as he is just so relieved im here he wont discuss the baby which he was so excited about. I really appreciate the kind words they have really helped me and will go see my GP next week about getting some help and support.

Just hope 2012 brings us a bit more luck, fed up of feeling emotional, angry and tired all at the same time. Everywhere I look people are having babies and used to love watching one born every minute and cant even bare to watch this.
I will take one day at a time an dhopefully things will get easier and maybe I will be able to stop blaming myself

Hi. I had a termination many years ago, although I was with the man that is now my husband - we had barely begun our relationship and felt we were too young to cope. I sobbed for hours afterwards and missed the 'purposeful' feeling I'd had whilst I was pregnant. I had the termination as I reached 8 weeks, so hadn't had a real chance to 'feel' pregnant or the baby. I still feel sorrow over the event although I have accepted the decision and have since been very lucky to conceive my DD very quickly. We are currently TTC again, now she is 20months, so it brings all the feelings to the forefront anyway. It is so understandable that you feel so devastated, but the God I've learnt about is merciful and wants us to learn from our mistakes, not punish us and make us miserable. I am not religious or have any faith, so I can't offer any consolation or prayers... However, I would suggest counselling and giving yourself time, both to recouperate and grieve over both the babies you've lost...

Hi Claire,

I also had a termination (when I was 18 - so MANY years ago for me). However, it was raw for a great many years after. However, you really mustn't beat yourself up for the decision you made. It was the right one at the time. Having the ectopic pregnancy must have been awful, but you are NOT being punished honey. Truly you're not. It's just shit luck is all. I also am not religious and don't have any faith, but I'm sure I have heard that God never gives you more to deal with than he believes you can cope with. As everyone else has said, you need to give yourself time to grieve and I can certainly recommend counselling. Going to see your GP is a positive first step, but if you don't get the right response, don't be afraid to push for what you need.

My thoughts are with you.

By the way Claire it's an official rule that folk who are in TTC-hell or have had mc/ectopic trauma would rather extract their own molars (without anaesthetic) than watch One Born Every Minute :)

Oh darling. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please get counselling. The fact is, we live in a world that's so often ruled by chance and luck. That's all an ectopic is, very very bad luck, it's no more your fault than getting struck by lightning would be!!

If you believe in God, just please realise that if God's meant to be the source of life & love, there's no way he's going around taking babies away just to prove a point. That just doesn't make sense.

Thank you for all being so nice to me, I'm not sure what I believe but I do beleive in God but im not overly religious. My mum died when I was young and all I have ever wanted to do is feel like I am making her proud and maybe its that, thats eating me up inside because I feel like I have let her down.
I have been to see my GP today and she has referred me for councilling so hopefully this may help and I can start to move on and feel like myself again rather than a weeping mess.
Thanks for making me see that we arent here to be punished but to learn from mistakes and im certainly trying to come to terms with mine. I hope my dh and I can move on from this together and maybe he will start talking to me about how he feels and his loss too.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Claire, I'm so glad to hear that you've been to your GP and that she's referred you. It's such a positive thing that you've done! You should be proud of yourself because it's hard to take that step. If I was your mum, I wouldn't feel let down. As you said, you weren't in the right place to have a child when you had your termination, so far worse to have a child brought into a situation that may not have been right for the child. So I really don't think you ought to punish yourself for that sweetie.

Maybe mentioning to your dh that you've seen your GP and are having counselling to help you come to terms with your feelings will encourage him to open up a bit more. I hope it helps you move on a bit.

Well done for being so brave talking about it on here and then seeing your GP. It's take courage to do that.

xxxx

Hi Claire, just wanted to wish you well. Please dont think that God is punishing you, you made a decision which was the right one for you both at the time. You need to accept that before you do anything else (I am speaking from experience) councelling will hopefully help you to do this or at least talk it through with someone who is not involved and can offer a clearer persepective. Sometimes life throws a lot of crap at us and we just deal with it and carry on we dont take the time out to look after ourselves and that can do more harm than good. I know. Take care and I hope you and your dh find a way forward. hugs x

Thank you so much for helping me through this, talking about it on here has really helped me and I hope the councilling helps in some way too.

Life can reall ybe crap and I just hope 2012 is gonna be a better year for us as a family and we can move on from this.
Had to go back to the doctors yesterday as got another infection which was abit of a set back and made be feel frustrated as I couldnt even manage to walk home and had to get my dh to pick me up, I know I need to walk before I can run but this is eating me up inside emotionally and want the physical side to hurry up and heal so I can fully concentrate on the emotional side of it all.
Thanks again to everyone who has answered me it REALLY has helped me xxx

"its Gods way of punishing me for terminating my last pregnancy."

What a load of bullsh*t!!! Slaps OP with red mullet!!!

Hi Claire
I'm so sorry - for the loss of both your pregnancies. God is not punishing you. He is not like that. I don't know what sort of religious background you are from, but if you are Christian, local preists / ministers are usually very willing to talk through stuff like this with people who are struggling with bereavement or terminations etc. And of course, in many denominations, there are plenty of women in the ministry too. They would be happy to pray with / for you to help you make sense of what has happened. It's not for everyone - I don't know what your faith background is - but I know some people find it helpful to look at things from a spiritual perspective as well as from a psychological one as in your counselling.
Don't push yourself too hard physically, let your body rest - as much as that's possible with 3 dc!

Not sure how I feel religiously anymore but do beleive in God but not sure what to believe, I know that may sound odd but I cant explain it
Just rang my gp to get my pregnancy result that gne said I had to do 1 week after my blood test and I knew it would be negative but still feel like ive been thumped in the stomach and i know it is finally gone.

I know it had gone but that was like "well thats it then" and I know I now need to address the emotional side of it all. WIll wait for this councilling and see what that brings.
Your positive comments make me feel so much better and I hope in a few months my life can of moved on

Hi, just a little update on my situation. Went to GP for referral for councilling,took alot of bottle to admit i needed it but went and she agreed. Left in 2 weeks and then rang for an update as not heard anything, told to ring mindmatters and they said oh yes you are on a 6 month waiting list......WHAT!!!! OI said i may have had a breakdown by then, ive lost a baby!! She said well ring the crisis team then as we have a bag log and arent a crisis team.....WELCOME to the NHS ppl. I was soooo upset. I work for a hospital and had to go to an occupational health appt as id had emergency surgery and its their policy, when i told the nurse she was outraged and referred me to see on eof their councillors. Guess what that was 8 days ago and on weds night i got a phone call "can i come thursday (next day) at 10am??" i COULD OF CRIED. Saw the lady who was lovely, a marvel!! She listened and it helped....abit!! Seeing her again next week and hopefully will get my head around things.
Still finding it difficult to let go and be around baby things and preggers women and also keep thinking I would have been 13 weeks preggers now etc etc. But hopefully a few more sessions and I may be able to move on, feeling bit more positive but still very emotional and after went to see the girls in work an dburst into tears...again!!
I will never forget but i hope i may start feeling myself again and less guilty. Just wanted to saythank you to all you lovely ladies for your support and will kepp upto date with my (hopeful) progress xx