ttc 9 months, ill and fed up. Need to rant!

[UltimatePeanut]

What a self indulgent thread title! But it says it all really...I'm 34, wonderful dh and it seems like everyone else around me manages to conceive so easily and I'm so scared it'll never happen for me! I'm so angry - what is wrong with me, why isn't my body working??! And of course there is no-one in RL to speak to about this.... I know lots of you ladies are ttc but I'd feel like a fraud jumping on one of your threads (tho not sure exactly why.....)

This is one of my first posts so please be kind. I'm not even looking for sympathy or advice. I've got the flu and just heard another pg announcement from dh's best mate who we're about to spend the weekend with so I think I'd just like some of you to come along with a lemsip or rum, and just admit that this whole ttc thing is utterly shite, isn't it?!

Oh peanut, have a manly punch on the arm, it is shiiiite, I totally agree with you.

I live in dread of another friend telling me they are preggers, it happens almost weekly and none of them have been trying very long, or are accidents

There are lots of friendly threads on here, come and join us on the rat smacking thread, we are dead friendly!

Can you go to the GP and get some basic tests done, just to get the ball rolling?

Your time will come and you will get that longed for baby in your arms

I totally understand how you feel, I am have been ttc for a similar amount of time and I can honestly say I wasn't prepared for how upset I would feel each month. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant (3 announcements this week alone) pregnant best friend, dh best friend pregnant-it feels like everyone!! I sound like such a moaner, but as we haven't told anyone we are ttc I haven't really for anyone to talk too and everyone needs a rant!!! So thought you would like to know your not on your own! I have my fingers crossed we get our bfp soon xxx

I'm also 34. I'm ttc #3 BUT it took nearly two years with dd1 and I remember feeling like that. I remember feeling like a failure, impatient, hopeless, despairing, angry... And I now have two beautiful daughters. :-)

It took what seemed like forever with dd1, but then dd2 was conceived in the second cycle of trying and I had a third pregnancy (lost on the dot of six weeks, so bordering between an early miscarriage and chemical pregnancy) conceived on the first cycle! Things can change in a moment. This might be your month, who knows?

And, yeah, it's shite. It made me feel totally crazy, fixating on every bodily sensation in desperate hope, straining my eyes to make out lines that weren't there on tests, crying my eyes out and trying not to give in to feelings of hopelessness and self-hate every time my period arrived. Those years ttc #1 were the worst years of my life. But, God, they were WORTH IT!

Even though you say you aren't looking for sympathy, you get lots of it from me anyway! Yep, ttc is shite and flu is shite too, so, sorry, sympathy whether you like it or not! ;-P Virtual hugs, lemsip, and an extra big bar of chocolate to chase the dementors away (for anyone with no clue what I'm on about, it's a Harry Potter reference - I make lots of them! LOL), coming your way.

I'm sorry you feel you've got no one you can talk to about this IRL. I'm one of those people with no reserve or impulse control, so there was pretty much no one I didn't talk to about it (okay, I wasn't quite at the accosting-and-haranguing-strangers-at-bus-stops point, fortunately, but... LOL) That helped a lot. I don't think I'd have coped without being able to talk about it.

Suze you are going to have to tell us what did the trick for you after 2 years please :)

Oh ladies thanks so much for your replies, they really mean a lot to me (I esp appreciate the manly arm punching and lemsip and chic sent my way! ) I'm sorry to hear about your mc suze.
I KNOW that I'm not the only woman out there ttc, but IRL everyone else seems to get pg at the sniff off sperm! And because it's not been a year yet it feels like no-one would take my worries seriously?! And I know many people take over a year but for some reason because no-one talks about it, it's never demystified IYKWIM?
And then of course there's the endless questions of 'so ULtimate, you're not the baby kind then?' and I'm now at the point of wanting to scream 'yes actually it's want i want more than anything in the world and I'm so terrified it'll never happen!'
AND of course life can't come to a standstill just because I get a bfn each month but I can't stay in this terrible job (wonders if the stress is having an effect on chances of ttc) but then if I get another job I wouldn't want to get pg straightaway...ooh life is too complicated.
And no, looks like I'm not going to get my Xmas BFp as have ovulated today and Dh is nowhere to be found.
Can someone come along and helpfully say something everything will work out just fine in it's own time and there's no point worrying blah blah blah??

Erm choc not chic. Would not appreciate chickens being sent my way

there is no point in worrrying.

But we all do it.

We are TTC number 2 and i was one of those annoying ones who hugged her DH first time round and bam, knocked up. This time it's not so simple though. Only been a few months but i get the upset and sobbing uncontrollably every time AF arrives.

The more i tell people (4 friends know now) the more i find that it takes lots of people a while, they just don't share. It seems it lessens a woman's womanliness if they take a while to conceive. The ones who share are those who fall right away.

Have you used OPKs or CBFM peanut?

suze Your post was lovely.

laura, farff everyone around me is PG, i am so happy for them but equally and they all say "come on berries, when are you going to give DS1 a sibling", i feel like saying, "would you all just FUCK OFF, I'm doing my best"

farfallarocks - giving up trying! LOL! I gave up on trying. I thought it was never going to happen. I gave in to depression about it, started smoking again (after having given up while trying to conceive), started going out and drinking heavily - got pregnant the first month I'd stopped trying to! Then had to give up smoking all over again (but was very happy to!) I've heard of that happening to a few people, but I wouldn't recommend it as a strategy! LOL

UltimatePeanut, everything will work out fine in it's own time and there's no point worrying, blah, blah, blah. Seriously though, try to believe it will happen. When it does, you will love that baby, and you will know that if it had happened sooner, it wouldn't have been the same child, so you'll be glad it took longer. That's how I looked on it. If I hadn't conceived exactly when I did, then it wouldn't have been her, and she was worth waiting for! :-)

I'm sorry people are being so bloody insensitive - I can't believe how stupid some people can be, asking silly questions like that! Sorry to hear your job is so stressful. You don't have to decide anything right now. You just have to keep warm and cosy and take care of yourself for now. Worry about what to do re the job later. Things will work out. This difficult time will turn into just a memory. ((hugs))

suze - now there is a plan I like, not take this or this supplement, give up coffee, eat manuka honey but......booze and smoke. Done deal!

ultimate we all feel like you have at times, it WILL happen eventually, for all of us.

Also have a hug

suze i LOVE people like you who tell stories of smoking and drinking and then getting PG. I agree it does help to relax.

Maybe i will try that approach in the new year!

BTW, i am not relaxed at all about TTC at the moment..... trying so hard to relax that it stresses me out!!

I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I really appreciate all your replies so thank you all so much. You have all posted such good comments.
Berries you make a very good point that the only woman who share are the ones who fall pg straight away - so it skews your view of what is 'normal'. It also helps to know that I'm not the only one who is normally fairly rational but bursts into tears when AF arrives or yet another 'lucky first time' pg is announced.

I've not tried any OPK or CBFMs - are they worth trying? AFAIK (EWCM) I ovulate fairly regularly halfway though a 28d cycle.

2 months ago I was convinced I was pg and was desolate when I found out I wasn't so tbh have deliberately not tried too hard recently as it was getting too difficult for me to cope with not managing to get pg each month. Perhaps I should decide to 'f**k it' this month and start again in Jan when I will a) know if I got this new job or not and b) be a bit more chilled out.
The booze and fags approach sounds great! I've never smoked in my life but I guess I could make an effort for 1 month to follow the Suze foolproof ttc plan!!

This all sounds so dramatic! I guess this has all been getting to me much more than I had realised. Thanks for all your sneaky hugs. I won't tell MN if you don't .

hi peanut, If you KNOW when you ov then a CBFM or OPKs probably won't help you. I found the CBFM takes the stress out of it as i know i am doing my bit (bonking at the right time) to make it happen....

I was convinced i was pg last month and literally blubbed like a toddler and snotted all over dh when i got the BFN and AF. Horrible.

If you want you should come and join us on the July 2012 thread (even though we need to rename it!) We all whinge together ;)

Thanks - might lurk on some rat smacking/July 2012 threads and jump in if I feel brave

to be fair we haven't had a BFP on our thread for ages so maybe the rat smacking one will bring you more luck!!!

Hi peanut,

I'm pretty much in the same position as you. Just started another thread actually called ' Looks like we can get 'pregnant' - its the holding onto it that's the problem!'
Been TTC for about 7 months and although had some positive tests and lots of symptoms over these months, it never lasts and AF always shows up!!

Recently got married too so everyone seems to be asking that dreaded question 'So... when you are having kids then??' Really annoys me!! Dont want to tell everyone we're trying as it would feel we're under even more pressure then and what if we cant conceive or it takes years??!! I usually just answer by saying 'one day' but with close friends, this is often not enough for them and they want to know details and timescales!!

I get really upset and start to think its never going to happen and something must be wrong with me. Just thought as soon as we started trying, we'd pretty much coceive straight away - how naive was I???!!

Finally, it doesnt help that loads of friends have babies and /or are pregnant. Not fair - I want one!!!!!!!

(rant over!!) :)