How can I help my friend? Your advice please...

[justawonder]

Hi there!

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice to help my friend...

My amazing friend has been trying for a baby for well over a year, had all the relevant tests (everything OK), tried hormone tablets, but no joy. She's so anxious, upset and down about it all and is basically at rock bottom. She's such a fantastic friend and we've always been there for each other but I just don't know what to do to help her right now. I haven't had kids yet (just starting to try for them now) and am just so worried about not being able to help the person that's always been there for me.

I'd really appreciate any advice from people who have been in this situation- what did someone do/say to you that really helped? What's the WORST thing I could say?

I'm meeting up with her next week.

Thanks loads
x

Hi. I've been trying for a year. The best thing, I think, is to listen a lot and always say, you will get there, it will be ok, very reassuring and positive affirmations etc. If she says, I think it will never happen, counteract it with something lovely and positive. Be there if she needs it on period days. If you are very close, don't be afraid to talk about it and ask how things are.

In my experience, friends have been a bit of a let down, in the nicest possible sense. I've seen their worry and awkwardness in knowing what to say. And there hasn't been a lot of reassurance. I know it might never happen. But every time someone says, I really do think you will be fine - it helps. Never say, just relax!!! Or, there is always adoption/fostering. Or as a rather thoughtless colleague said, well you career women, leaving it too late ( I know you wouldn't! just highlighting how awful some comments are)

Also, you are trying yourself. This might be worrying your friend, if she knows. For me, I've wanted friends I've told to be open with me about this and not avoidant. But none of them have told me before the twelve week scan, even when we have had chats about trying and they've already been pregnant. I've felt this hurtful, although I understand that people like to wait. They have also all told me by text - I guess it's hard to say, but this has felt pretty hard too. I'd rather they had picked up the phone and chatted like normal and told me. maybe you should agree what happens if you get pregnant first? So mostly, I think positivity, openess and listening would be on my list. But we are all different and have different needs. But what a lovely friend you are for worrying and posting this. The very best of luck to you both. And if your friend would like an email banter with someone in a similar boat, I'd be happy to send you my personal e-mail. She isn't alone. Yu could always say you 'saw' me on another website or something. Just a thought x

Thanks so much, that's really so helpful. I know that I've always been someone that she turns to and I want to avoid that awkwardness you mentioned when she talks to me about it because I don't know what to say to help. I just want to make sure she gets the support she needs and your advice is really great.

Re my trying- that's also really helpful to know. I've only recently started (matter of weeks) so haven't had the chance to tell her but was wondering whether I should when we meet. I feel it's best to be open and I know she'd be upset if I wasn't. We've always been able to talk about anything so I think it's best.

Thanks so much for offering your email- that's fantastic of you. I'll judge how things go with her and if she's open to chatting about it etc...I think it would be great for her- will let you know what happens!

Thanks so much again and best of luck to you too.
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Hello Just - on a very practical note I wonder if she's read a lot around the subject? I've been trying for about a year (but am v lucky as already have one kid, came cycle 2 so a bit freaked out now about this long wait) but have just read a great book by Toni Weschler all about understanding your body and its fertility signals - called 'Taking charge of your fertility'. I've missed a few tricks it seems (though still might not be able to get pregnant - I'm awaiting test results) and I think sometimes tests don't get to the bottom of some quite simple changes that can be made in life but this book helps you to help yourself. But of course you don't want to sound judgmental so just ask what she's read/tried. It's interesting for you if you're starting TTC too. Also recommend 'The Fertility Plan' - check out the website.

I've also felt a bit isolated - my friends have their families sorted a long while ago (I am 40). But I've come to realise that by telling the world and her dog that I'm not managing TC a second (which I've been doing like a stuck record), I'm kind of giving away my power/inviting pity, and I've decided need to be more upbeat. One person to confide in would be great so you're offering that which is wonderful, but actually joining MN and talking with people in the same boat is really helpful...

Good luck to you both; and you sound like a v caring friend.

Whereismywine - hugs to you as it sounds tough. I really hope that you get your BFP soon.

You sound like a nice friend,

I think as corny as it may sound , just being there to listen to her rant when its getting on top of her is enough.

What a nice friend - I think asking her how it is going is important. I have told 2 friends about losing a pregnancy and not conceiving since and they never ask me about it. it makes me feel they don't care when in reality they probably feel awkward. if she has started trying to talk to you it's because she wants you to share the journey.

I agree with other posters that you should tell her you are trying too....

To fellow TTCers on this thread - good luck!!!

You too berries. Sorry for your MC. Fx for you that a BFP is on its way.

Hi Beangrower. That's another thing I've been thinking about- I wondered about pointing her in the direction of helpful books/sites but didn't want to seem too 'practical' and like I'm trying to 'solve' the issue for her so having a couple up my sleeve for when I talk to her about what she's read etc is really helpful- thank you.

She's gone through different phases- telling everyone to saying she's not bothered and back again. We've always been very straight with each other and she's been a fantastic friend to me whenever I've needed her (and times when I didn't even know I needed her !) so I hope I can give her the support she needs. I also think joining MN would be really good for her...look how much help and advice you guys have given me in just an hour!

Thanks again, really appreciate it and best of luck for your test results.
x

difficulttimes-not corny, so good to remember that she's telling me to share, not to come up with a solution...when you see someone close to you so down, the temptation can be to want to 'do something'...in this case, I guess listening is best x

berries- If I'm honest, we've talked about it on and off but I have been a bit wary of mentioning it in case it was upsetting for her, but I guess avoidance is not good either. I'm there for her all the way and she needs to know that.

Yep- you guys have reassured me that it's the right thing to tell her I'm trying too. Will do!

Thanks ladies, so appreciated.
x

Telling her you're trying too is not likely to be upsetting. It's when a friend gets a BFP in no time at all that I find it difficult, so be prepared for that.