Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is anyone "trying to relax"

28 replies

JNO18 · 27/11/2011 10:15

Being as AF has arrived again this month, the advice I keep getting from my best mate and my sister (the only people I've really told we're trying) is "just relax and that's when it will happen". I have heard that as soon as you stop actively trying that's when it happens, but can not thinking about it and not really "trying" actually work? I don't know how it would be possible to relax and not think about it when I want it so much. You may have seen from the other thread that I'm thinking about buying a CBFM but this won't help me relax as I'll be focusing on POAS all the time!!

I haven't been pregnant before so anyone who has already been pregnant or had babies - did it happen for you when you finally relaxed after stressing over it for such a long time? Or is that just a myth?

I need help!! Can't keep going on like this every month but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:

eurochick · 27/11/2011 12:07

The "just relax and it will happen" advice makes me (and from what I have read on here a lot of other long term ttc-ers) tempted to punch the advice-giver. It's nonsense. FWIW, there has been a couple of months when we've been trying when things have taken my mind of it. I didn't get pg then any more than I did when I was obsessing. And you will see on here that lots of the people who get pg in a month or two are obsessed and stressing during the 2ww. It's nonsense and the sort of "advice" given out by people who have no idea how awful it is to not be pg month after month. The last person who gave me that kind of advice was 8 months pg at the time. She had got pg with that baby on her second month of trying and got pg with her first the first month of trying. She was completely obsessed both times!

Original poster

JNO18 · 27/11/2011 12:41

thanks for that eurochick, that does make me feel better!

OP posts:

HaveALittleFaithBaby · 27/11/2011 13:41

You can do things that actually make you relax like reflexology, massages, going on holiday. It won't get you pregnant if there's something wrong though! How long have you been trying JNO?

LauraM20 · 27/11/2011 15:45

I have been 'trying to relax' im not very good at it and like you ttc seems to be taking over my every thought.
I think that stressing does have some sort of effect though, my best friend was ttc for nearly 5 years and had IVF in the end, thank goodness it worked and she had a lovely little boy but you guessed it when he was 5 months old, she fell pregnant again naturally, she wasnt even trying-she couldnt believe it and swears the problem the first time was her stressing so much as there was nothing medically wrong with her or her husband.
This however does not help me to relax either and every month im faced with that same feeling, lets just hope its our turn soon!!!

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2011 16:32

I know a girl whos IVF just failed and she's planning a wedding now, she's got lovely dress so I am hoping when I see her tm she'll be pg. I only see her every 6 weeks through work.

Original poster

JNO18 · 27/11/2011 16:51

Have a little faith the last one was our 7th cycle, so not that long in medical books but feels like ages.

I'm going to go back to yoga again this week and start doing some more exercise. Haven't been for ages as we went on holiday and then I've been really busy with work so hopefully that will help and take my mind off things a bit.

OP posts:

bugsylugs · 27/11/2011 16:55

I think it is really hard to 'relax' about af each month if ttc. However as havealittlefaith says there are ways to relax. Personally think it did help us we were referred and told needed ICSI I then stopped thinking about it as I knew I would get af each month. When I went for appt I was preg had not even realised af was late!!. However ttc no 2 for 2+yrs cannot relax the same as even though I know he is a miracle it happened naturally. hey ho good luck

LoveInAColdClimate · 27/11/2011 17:02

I hated people telling me this. However, the cycle I got pregnant (in the midst of tests and with a luteal phase defect), I had been on a hen weekend away in a beautifully hot country, had a lovely time, thrown my "no booze and strict diet as prescribed by acupuncturist" rule to the wind, and stayed up all night for two nights dancing and drinking. I then got home, ovulated and conceived. However, I was also having acupuncture and lots of other stuff so it may have been entirely unconnected... But I had been very stressed and that weekend really did relax me...

I don't think a holiday away with DH would have had the same relaxing effect, as I would still have been worrying about charting and sex to order, whereas because he wasn't there, I didn't need to think about it and could really let my hair down.

But being told to relax is intensely annoying and has the exact opposite effect, I think.

Good luck!

IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 27/11/2011 17:06

I don't know how you are supposed to 'relax'. Surely, if you've been TTC for so long, you can't help but think about when would be the right time to shag, you can't just remove those thoughts from your mind. Although, I can see the appeal of techniques to help you relax your mind & body!

If we were to stop 'trying' I can pretty much guarantee that it would never happen. After 14 years together, the SFF isnt as frequent as it used to be

Over the last 4.5 years TTC we have taken the odd month off to give ourselves a break, and TBH, unless there was some special event to ocupy my mind, they just made me feel worse. Epecially, if I can feel ov and knowing that there would be no sperm there to meet it!

Original poster

JNO18 · 27/11/2011 17:23

thanks very much ladies. It's good to talk to people who are going through the same thing.

I think I might have a bath and a glass of wine tonight. Also worrying about work as someone said something to me on friday that makes me think my job might be moving to london (I'm in Manchester) so that's been weighing on my mind along with AF arriving last night. All in all a crappy weekend.

if at first - 4.5 years. wow I take my hat off to you. It must have been a tough few years. I know what you mean about sff, if I don;t think "try" for a month i know we would totally miss the ovulation window as we've been together 8 years and lets just say things get comfortable!!

loveinacoldclimate - a weekend away with the girls sounds like just the ticket!! I have just been arranging a spa day with my best bud so that's a start

OP posts:

HaveALittleFaithBaby · 27/11/2011 17:29

We actually had a week away abroad just after a year ttc which was amazing. We went all inclusive so we didn't worry about money. We just read, drank and lazed about. I abandoned the charting that cycle. And we finally had some sff too! Ok I didn't get pregnant but it was great.

raspberrytipple · 27/11/2011 17:48

I find it impossible to take the 'relax and it will happen' approach because it's always there, the thought that I'm never go to have my baby, just not going to happen so I've been advised to get into the habit of light meditation/relaxation techniques/yoga to help. Haven't started that yet but I am going to this week. It is hard though, the longer you try the more stressful it gets and actually, doing all the 'anal' things like reading the books/temping/charting/opks etc I find actually help me because I feel like I'm taking control. Anyone who says relax and it will happen should get a deserved smack in the mouth.

Original poster

JNO18 · 27/11/2011 17:51

raspberrytipple that made me smile. I guess it all depends on the kind of person you are. I am very organised and have control of everything so I think charting etc might help me regain some of that. Going to start this month. They do deserve a smack in the mouth!!

OP posts:

IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 27/11/2011 19:20

Anyone who says relax and it will happen should get a deserved smack in the mouth.

joycep · 27/11/2011 20:19

Yes anyone who says 'relax' definitely needs a slap (including my mother!)...It's a bit like that one when you're single and your friends tell you ' oh you'll meet someone when you stop looking'. Pah, I never would have met DH if i hadn't have been looking!! Anyway, My GP keeps telling me it's not happening (19months in) because I'm not relaxed. She said that she can't count the amount of times she has referred people to the fertility clinic and then magically they get pregnant - it just happens so often apparently.

Like raspberry - I am trying to learn how i can be more relaxed, I'm about to start meditation and do more exercise as i have spent months seeing a private gynae who can't find anything particularly wrong. For me I got pregnant the 2nd month of trying and I was very excited by ttc, swi was good and i was relaxed (although when AF came that first month, I cried!). After m/c, this all changed, swi became a chore, i now worry a lot, i fear i will never have a baby and i do wonder whether this 'not relaxing' has had an effect. But like people have said above, loads of women get stressed and think about it all the time and they seem to get pregnant.

Hope you get that bfp soon JN - limboland is not a good place to be.

Original poster

JNO18 · 27/11/2011 21:07

Fingers crossed for all of us. Let's make December about chilling, yoga-ing, meditating and not stressing. Here's to lots of BFPs in Jan 2012! xx

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 27/11/2011 21:20

God-I hated this kind of advice when we were trying; it always came from people who conceived ten minutes after they started ttc as well.

My DH was convinced that this was the case and because he insisted that I relax and forget about it, then I pretended to forget about it and fell pregnant that month-he now thinks he was right. I think it's blloks though ;)

LoveHandles88 · 28/11/2011 08:51

I suffer from PCOS, and tried for over a year before finding out. We then spent a year in and out of consultants, gynaecology units and GPs. It became so stressful that in the end, we decided to save up and have private IVF.
So, we made a plan, and decided to have one last holiday before we scrimped and scraped.
As it turns out, we conceived on holiday. Maybe partly because we were less stressed with no work and no NHS sending us in circles, and we probably had more sex due to less stress!!
So, in my case, not thinking about it and relaxing did work, but to be honest, up until that holiday, it had been the hardest thing to do!! So, I completely understand how frustrating it can be to be told to do it. I don't think it's something you do on demand.
I would however suggest, to try not to lose romance from your relationship, make sure there are other conversations than conception. I found it to be a very unsexy and depressing topic, which contributed greatly to a slight lack in bedroom activity on occasion!!!
Good luck.

eurochick · 28/11/2011 10:39

If relaxation were the answer, don't you think the NHS would be investing a couple of hundred quid on a course of massages for us all rather than thousands on blood tests, HSGs, IVF, etc?

Some women get pg the month they relax, just like some women go into labour after eating pineapple/having a curry/adopting some other old wives' tale. It would have happened anyway. If there were really anything to the relaxation thing, I am pretty damn sure the NHS wouldn't be spending its limited funds on all the fertility treatments they offer.

LoveHandles88 · 28/11/2011 11:59

My GP did send me to acupuncture Eurochick. Lucky he didn't send me for massages, I hate strangers touching me, it would have stressed me out even more.
However, of course the NHS always give the best advice and treatment on an individuals' needs, especially when you're limited to a 10 minute appointment and a maximum of 3 ailments per visit at the GP. Or, when you see a different trainee gyno every visit that haven't had the time or inclination to read the relevant information in your file.
I am not saying that relaxation is a magic cure, or that anyone can actually do it, but just that it seemed to work for me when ttc dc1.

eurochick · 28/11/2011 12:55

No, the NHS doesn't always give out the best advice, I know that first hand. But it is always looking for ways to save money.

I'm glad you think it worked for you and that you did get pg. But if it were all about relaxation there would be dips in conception rates in times of war and other stressful situations and that just isn't the case.

LoveHandles88 · 28/11/2011 13:01

True. On both counts.
And, it is REALLY annoying to be told to relax, by anyone.

mrsden · 28/11/2011 13:18

Try to relax is something people say when they can't think of any other advice to offer. I'm sure there are lots of people who get pregnant the month they stop stressing but also there are lots of people who get pregnant when they are stressing. I don't see that it makes any difference. It's an easy thing for people to say when they themselves got pregnant after just a couple of months. I was relaxed for the first 4 months and if I'd got pregnant then I'm sure I would think that the secret is to be relaxed. But it's impossible to be relaxed after 18 months :(

BlackadderBob · 29/11/2011 18:51

We've been ttc for a year and have recently decided to try the Foresight programme (www.foresight-preconception.org.uk ). If you've not heard of it, it's basically food supplements and making adjustments to your lifestyle etc. We're two months in and it's quite a commitment, and it might or might not work, but we feel at least we're doing something rather than just 'trying to relax' (which I agree is SO not helpful!). We've also noticed improvements in our health already despite a very stressful time recently. Foresight claims to have an 89% success rate out of 1500 couples who completed the programme (who between them have had over 6000 fertility treatments), with only a 3.8% miscarriage rate.

The other thing I've been researching is lubricant, because I've been worrying that it was preventing the sperm getting through, and I've seen another thread on here about it.

Original poster

JNO18 · 29/11/2011 19:23

thanks for all the responses. I'm glad you all think it's just as unhelpful as I do!

I also have been looking at lubricants, and ordered one off amazon. It's this one:

www.boots.com/en/Men/Mens-Health/Family-Planning/Planning-for-a-baby/Actively-trying-for-a-baby/Pre-conception-lubricants/?cm_re=c1020_image5--product_list--pre-conception_lubricant&cm_sp=cat_pandh--c1020--c1020_image5

but cheaper on Amazon. I've realised the one we've been using may actually be hindering things so hopefully this will make a difference!!

I think I'll go with the keeping busy rather than trying to relax tactic as when I try and relax I just think that about the reason I'm relaxing! totally counter-productive!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2