Contrary :(

[HumanFly]

Hi all,

Sorry, long! My husband and I really do want to start a family, but up until the last four months or so, it's been me pushing for it. We've been together for seven years, married for two. We're both 32. My husband has recently changed careers working as a personal trainer - he was miserable in his old career - and is very responsible in the sense of knowing he wasn't ready all those years but is approaching a more paternal state of mind lately. He said recently he wanted a few months to ensure he is capable of looking after his family (repeat clients, earnings etc) but he's really looking forward to starting a family.

There's not much I could fault with him; it's me that's driving me crazy! I came off the pill two months ago and we've...let passion carry us away ;) Up until yesterday there was the very real possibility I might have been pregnant. For the last four years, my body really kicked in with the broodiness. At times I would describe it as a physical ache, I wanted a baby so badly, I wanted to be pregnant so badly and would daydream about what it felt like.

When my period arrived yesterday, I felt a mixture of disappointment but also a lot of relief. Fair do's - there's things with our financial and work situation that could be better but I also know there's hardly ever a "perfect" time, you know? No, i think the relief was because I suddenly felt like I wasn't ready, I got totally freaked out for so many reasons - it's been us two for so long, scared of my body, scared of the birth - and now suddenly i feel like a fraud :(

I've been going on and on so much for years about how ready I am, how I'm going to make the birth a positive experience, how wonderful it will be to be "the three of us" etc. And now it's like my husband has spent all these years quietly being honest when he hasn't been ready, and now he is ready - and I did the opposite, spending all these years going on about how I was ready NOW! and how awesome it would be, and now all I can think about are negatives - I can't seem to tap back into that lovely glow-y space. And I'm not even pregnant so can't blame the reality of it.

My husband has been lovely, laughing a little (in a nice way) and giving me a cuddle, saying he knew I'd be like this because I have a tendency to tie myself up in knots over things, that it'll be fine when it happens, that I will be great etc. But I'm so freaked out I'm talking myself out of the whole thing! What if I have been completely wrong all these years? I feel like the physical broodiness over took my competence, emotional maturity and the ability to separate lovely daydreams from the very different reality.

i recognise all of this.
but since my DD was born (at entirely the wrong time for so many different reasons) nearly 4 years ago I've realised it's all relative.

It's not about doing "the right" or "wrong" thing, at a "right" or "wrong" time it's about how you deal with the situation you're in. Where you find happiness, where you try to control things or decide to just go with the flow.

You are not a fraud at all but it sounds like your sensible rational conscious mind is at odds with your heart and hormones and that's a hard place to be.

Leap and grow wings.... would be my advice. The journey since my daughter was born has been the hardest EVER but also the most rewarding and wonderful (and I'm talking about MY growth and development as a person, not just the joys or otherwise of motherhood).

Your DH sounds really lovely. Sure he'll be a great dad .
xxx

ps - if you came off the pill 2 months ago your fluctuating hormones are going to be playing havoc with your emotions and feelings too, so you need to take that into consideration in this mix. xxx

I think it is much easier to be 100% sure and positive about anything major in a relationship if the other person is a bit ambivalent IFKWIM. It is like you get to leave the worries to them and just focus yourself on the positives.

So now your husband is ready and things are more 'real' I'm not at all surprised that suddenly you take on some of the worries - it is just normal.

To be honest, you'd be strange/even unrealistic NOT to have some doubts about starting a family, just because there are so many unknowns. But you sound like a strong couple, and I'm sure you'll make great parents when it happens for you

I've been doing this as well. Feeling 100% that I want a baby and nothing but a baby until I actually started suspecting I was PG. I started imagining all the reasons why now isn't the right time and why I wish we had waited.

In reality I think I was just employing a defence mechanism because I knew if it turned out I wasn't PG, I'm be massively disappointed so I had to somehow make it ok for myself if I wasn't. Once AF arrived and I knew I wasn't PG, I went right back to hoping and wishing that I was.

There's also something to be said about always wanting the thing you can't have.

Thanks so much for your replies, you've all thrown things into the mix I hadn't considered. I usually spend vast amounts of time thinking through everything, and once I've decided, nothing can change my mind. But this is just out of the stratosphere in terms of tying myself in knots. I genuinely don't think I'll be at peace until there's a baby here, and it's all too late to dither back and forth :P

Babymutha, you're advice was so sweet, and so exactly-what-I-should-do advice. It's such a scary thing to embark upon, and I know rationally it will all be worth it, and hundreds upon thousands upon millions upon billions of people have figured it out and got on with it. I guess I just got worried I'd lost that baby feeling that had consumed me for so long! But, it's also a good point about coming off the pill. Bloody hormones have SO much to answer for.

Crazyhead, also a really good point about being the one pushing for something in a relationship. How you put it is spot on - how I was able to leave the practical realism of it all to my husband, and he's had years to prepare himself. Whereas me...I feel like my body took over and said YES YES BABY BABY CHILDREN CHILDREN NOW NOW. And my head has literally only just caught up.

MissMedusa, you know in all the totally-freaking-out-oh-god-oh-godness of the last couple of weeks, I hadn't really stopped to give a home to disappointment. But I am. I'm really disappointed. This is normal, right? To feel such seemingly contradictory things?

Hi, I think it's perfectly normal!! I waited about 8 years till my brain agreed with my body about having a baby, then when I found out I was, I totally freaked out thinking that for every reason it was the wrong time etc, now I just don't think about the nitty gritty too hard and concentrate on important things like what colour cot to have you've clearly thought about it so I guess you have to trust yourself a bit!! Good luck and have fun

If you are considering bringing a new person into the world, whom you will. Be responsible for for the next 18 years (at least, ask my mother about that lol) and you aren't scared you must be either a) bonkers or b) have no imagination!

There's something totally mind blowing and utterly terrifying about realising you are pregnant, even if it's a desperately wanted child there's still something so irrevocable about it when you find out. I tried for over 3 years with my son, and I still remember standing in the bathroom looking at the test and thinking holy shit I'm pregnant.