I know everyone has horrible experiences in life. I'm no worse than many others but I've had a bit of a rough time of it and am just noticing that I'm starting to struggle with my emotions from TTC a little, so I thought I'd find a forum where I can just talk...
So, our journey started in July 2009 when I had my non hormonal coil removed. My partner and I had decided to start 'trying' . Exciting!!
I was just 27 when we started trying. After 8 months (and we were being pretty accurate on dates etc), I got pregnant (March 2010), we were very happy. At 9 weeks, I went to my doctor saying my symptoms seemed to have disappeared. She reassured me that I was probably just over thinking. The next day was my step-father of 15 year's funeral. I began my miscarry as I sat in the church. I phoned the doctor who advised to let nature take its course. I never went into hospital (apparently wasn't necessary) but dealt with it at home with my partner by my side. I was 10 weeks pregnant. Yes it hurt, yes it was sad but I am also a realist, I know that nature decides and in this case, it wasn't to be. I accept it and life returned to normal.
We started trying again almost immediately. The midwife on the phone said it would be okay. This time, it took some time. Over a year later, March 2011 we still hasn't had any luck. I had my bloods and hormones checked, all good. My partner too, all good. So we were advised to carry on trying.
We married in June 2011. Had the most fantastic day - I have a supportive, loving and brilliant husband. We left for our honeymoon and I fell ill 3 days in. I was on my period so I put it down to that.
When we returned (we went for a week) I knew something strange was up with my body. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so confused as I'd had what I thought was a normal period.
I immediately went to an early pregnancy unit in London (where I was on my own with work, it was my second day back after our wedding/honeymoon). I was scanned and told that I was pregnant but that it was eptopic.
I wasn't allowed to leave to London area and return home some 200 miles away and thus had to stay with friends in London for 3 days so I could be monitored daily. The hospital finally arranged for me to transfer to my local hospital so long as my husband came to collect me. Which he did....
The hospital said I could either have methotrexate (drug to treat eptopic) or the op, the latter being much more invasive. I was told the drug was 95% effective.
I was given the drug on a Friday and had to travel 20 miles every other day from my home to have my bloods monitored. A week later and I recieved the news that the drug hadn't worked. I was offered another dose.... and so the whole thing repeated. I felt pregnant, sad, hormonal and pumped full of strong drugs, hideous. On the Friday morning that followed, two weeks since my first dose, I travelled to the hospital for my final blood test and then home again to anxiously wait to hear if this time it had worked (you're only allowed two doses and have to have the op next)....
When I got home, I had a tummy ache and got in the bath and then I was hit with terrible pain, utter agony. My husband managed to get me out of the bath and into the bed before ringing an ambulance.
My ectopic had ruptured.
I was taken for emergency surgery, lost a lot of blood into my ruptured abdomen and had blood transfusions and more drugs than I've ever seen pumped into anything!
After my operation, I awoke to be told that I'd lost my tube and nearly my life. That was in July of this year.
My husband and I are only this week, now allowed to start trying again (which I'm happy about) but I'm a tad nervous!
My over-riding feelings are,
- Pressure - I feel a bit gossiped about, however harmless it's intended, like people will be watching to see if I'm lucky or not.
- Scared - I feel a bit scared and worried about loosing my other tube and things going wrong but I know nature will decide so will just have to manage this.
- Worried - I feel worried that it will take over a year to conceive again, especially since I now only have one tube. I'm 30 soon and I know how quickly years can speed by when it comes to baby making!
- Sad - I'm finding it quite hard being around other friends and their babies, I'm now almost 30 and the last of our group without children. I don't feel I have anyone to talk too apart from my partner who whilst fantastic is also my partner and sometimes its nice to speak to a women. I guess it is a jealous feeling but not one of anger, just sadness. I feel really sad. Not at my loss alone but at the possibility that I may never have children.
We have a beautiful five bedroomed home in the countryside, good jobs and love each other very much. The thought of not having children breaks my heart.
I guess now we can start trying again I can be happy that things may move forward but as I said, I'm also a tad nervous after all that has happened. I also don't know how long I should try for before we get help, if it takes another year again, I'll be almost 31 and the years just slip by....
Anyway, I'm okay, just feeling a bit all over the place and wanted to put pen to paper....(or fingers to a keyboard!).
Thanks for listening.
(Pls excuse any typos!)