Horrendous conversation with DH

[Dragini]

Ladies - I think this is going to be a bit of an outpouring!

I've been lurking on here for a while as ttc at age 39, and definately feel that time is running out. I got married 2.5 years ago, very quickly after meeting DH, as we wanted to settle in and start a new life together - including children (he has DD from his previous marriage).

To cut a long story short, immediately after we got married he had cold feet about ttc, and thought we needed to settle first. Two and a half years later we've moved house, he's got a new job he enjoys and he said he was "ambivalent" about children - which of course I took as the green light and came off the pill (having already ttc with my ex for years and got nowhere)

The time has come to look at getting some help, and I sat him down to talk about assisted conception. Cue huge row as he claims he had no idea "we" were ttc and he doesn't want any more children, or for us to lose the freedom and lifestyle we have now, and doesn't want to face the risks of having a child with an older mother. He also thinks that I missed my chance by deveoping my career in my twenties (when he and his ex had DD).

I didn't handle it well. I made it clear that for me the choice between trying for a child and having weekends away is a very easy and natural one, and if I don't give it a good try I'd regret it forever. I also mentioned that I'd done some research and if he doesn't want to be involved, I still have some choices and can go it alone if needed. Now he thinks that I only married him because I needed a sperm donor..

He's asked for 48 hours to think about all of this, and I think he's really hoping that I'll forget all about it and we'll get with our life as we know it. How on earth can I turn this around and remind him that we can be everything that we originally wanted, without making him feel used???

It sounds like he lied to you about wanting children so you'd settle down with him and then he could put things off by having "doubts".

If you want children, and have been unsuccessfully TTC for years with no success, you don't have time to spend convincing him of things he may never have believed.

Probably time to make moves towards doing this without him.

I'm intrigued that you took the fact that he was ambivalent about children as a green light to stop using contraception without making it clear what you were doing.

I'm surprised he's the one feeling used, and not you? I'd feel like I had the wool pulled over my eyes big time and, like you say, I think he's just hoping you'll forget about it. Not on, imho.

I'm not sure I'd have been happy to wait 2.5 years before starting to ttc, did you not have lots of conversations about it during this time? It's horrendously unfair to change his mind at the point when you just got married, it rather strikes of deception. If you've waited for 2.5 years, and been trying for a while (not sure if the timescale adds up, have you been trying long?), I'd say you need to decide whether you are going to have children (if you can) despite him, and whether or not he is on board. How will it work financially if you have to pay for treatment? Hope it works out for you, this seems so sad.

I think the others are right- he probably never really wanted anymore kids and with your fertility history he probably didn't think there was any chance. Discovering that you were trying for a baby without his knowledge must have been a huge shock for him- no wonder he feels angry. I know someone who did the same thing as you. Her dh and her had been adamant they didn't want kids but when she changed her mind she took a chance remark when he was drunk as the greenlight to go ahead and try without telling him. She got pregnant eventually, he was horrified, and it was the beginning of the end of their marriage as her dh felt so betrayed.
However if you married him on the clear understanding that kids were on the agenda I think he is being totally unreasonable to expect you give up your hopes for a family. His reasons are shit and totally selfish. If he won't come round you may have to choose between him and the chance of a child but realistically you can't leave it too long.
I really hope you get what you want.

You poor thing. It's big of him to think it through isn't it . You need to use this time to think if you are serious about your threat.

I reckon in your shoes I'd apologise for the 'finding a sperm donor' comment, but then make it clear that you said it because you were in shock because he had renegaded on his agreement to have children which was a clear part of the future you planned together.

When he got married to you, he knew your age and your desire for children, and that should have pushed him to be loving and fair enough to be decisive early on in the relationship about what he wanted in terms of children. The 'older mother' card is not good enough at this late stage.

On that point, what exactly are these risks he perceives? Obviously there is the Down syndrome risk, which is screened for, but aside from that, surely the biggest risk is of not getting pregnant/miscarriage? I wonder if you could unpick his concerns a bit - there is a lot of scaremongering about older parenthood.

I sincerely hope you find a way to sort this out.