Could do with some thoughts/encouragement

[Nesbo]

DW and I are TTC. We are trying to do all the right things and keep each others spirits up at the same time. I feel like I'm struggling a bit though with those few days every month when we suddenly have to start doing it on cue! It feels like it has been going on for so long now, and it is gradually getting harder (and not in a good way).

I can cope with the fact that sometimes when I'm not in the mood I just have to bite the bullet and make the effort. The horrible thing though is thinking that DW is feeling the same way. If she is, she never shows it, she tries to make it seem as natural and as "real" as possible, just as I do. It is just the thought of having sex with someone who might not be really up for it - the moment that thought starts running through your head it just gets so difficult to keep going, especially when you know you have to climax. It feels like once a month our sex life becomes a play with both of us playing our roles, both longing for a time when it goes back to normal and we can just have sex because we want to. I never imagined it could get like that until we found ourselves in this position.

Who knows how long it will carry on for. I just want something to hold onto that will make me stop worrying about what is going on in her head while we are doing it, because if that thought keeps getting louder as the months go by then the time will come when I can't carry on, and that will just be shit for both of us.

Perhaps I should be asking for male advice, but I think it would be helpful to get a female perspective.

Thanks.

Me and my partner had this talk the other day as it felt that sex had become a monthly chore!! There was no fun or romance in it.

We decided to try and relax and be a little more spontaneous! We normally go to bed at the same time and then have sex to get the job done!! We have promised not to do this and grab each other at random times!!

I have also promised not to go on about ovulating as it's not very sexy!! I'm due to ovulate next week but my partner does not know this yet and I'm going to try so hard not to talk about it. We have also booked a weekend away to try and enjoy dome time together.

I think you and your partner need to talk to try and take some pressure away from the situation. It's such a stressful time for both parties. The last thing you want is to put strain on your relationship. Good luck!

Wow, your wife is a lucky woman that you are so thoughtful! I echo what figaro says, try not to obsess about dates if you can. Every other day around the middle of the month will usually do the trick.

And a tip. We've liberated a lot of the fantasies we haven't really acted on before. Sex is actually better than it's ever been at the moment and I'll almost be a bit disappointed (well, not really) to get pregnant as then I know I won't be as up for it any more. My advice is to try to have really great sex - so do all the things you like - and try not to think about the baby aspect as much as possible.

One thing DH and I decided to do was come to bed without the expectation of sex. We put on music, we cuddle, we have massage oil and give each other massages (which really helps us unwind and often puts in the mood ;)). we also try to have fun together (not having sex!) Like going out for dinner or to the pub so it's not all about ttc.
I.think the fact that you care enough to come on here and post shows you're a lovely DH! I do think you should be honest with her though. Talking about our feelings is what's kept DH strong in the last 19(!) Months of ttc! Hope you're successful soon.:-

One thing DH and I decided to do was come to bed without the expectation of sex. We put on music, we cuddle, we have massage oil and give each other massages (which really helps us unwind and often puts in the mood ). we also try to have fun together (not having sex!) Like going out for dinner or to the pub so it's not all about ttc.
I.think the fact that you care enough to come on here and post shows you're a lovely DH! I do think you should be honest with her though. Talking about our feelings is what's kept DH strong in the last 19(!) Months of ttc! Hope you're successful soon.:)

I second everyone, you really are a lovely DH

I think the habit that DH and I were falling into was rushing into the actual 'sex' part itself, and not making the effort to get in the mood before hand, like we would normally. I know sometimes that is a real mission, especially when getting home from work, then the gym, then doing dinner etc. I think we had stopped enjoying it for what it actually was.

And I read somewhere that the better the sex, the more likely it was to lead to pregnancy! Wishing you both the best of luck

Thank you - feeling better already. It is not the easiest thing to talk about in real life. Just need to release a little pressure valve and pick myself up again. We are pretty good about not mentioning dates or making a massive deal about it, but it is one of those things that you just become aware of, even if it isn't said out loud! Fingers crossed it will happen soon.

There should be a Dadsnet for men to talk to each other :)

I looked a while ago but tiptoed out in case I woke anyone.

Me and DH got like it and in the end we kind of said sod it if it happens then great. It sounds silly cause i used to hate ppl telling me to relax but it does work. Have a nice meal, nice music bottle of wine or two and relax if you want to do it then do it to enjoy.
I'm 9 weeks pregnant now and it happened when i forgot about it and relaxed.

Good luck hope it works out for you soon