Hello I haven't been on here for a while and thought I'd give an update, and also, to share some more thoughts on my situation. Apologies for the long post, but I'd like to hear thoughts from others on some of the issues in this post related to our chats about IVF.
No success yet, but for now we're still trying naturally. I've had one recent SA test done which showed improvement, and in a couple of weeks I'll have another test done.
I'm realising that earlier this year, whilst oblivious to me, my wife had probably already moved on and is now wanting the second child less, and is against the idea of IVF. I know deep down she still wants another one - occassionally we speak about how nice it would be to have a little brother for our daughter, but it is clear she no longer has the same fire in her belly. To be honest, after almost two years of putting her life on hold and having to watch what she eats, what medications she can have for aches and pains, when she can do certain exercises, what cosmetics and treatments she can have, and being on tenterhooks each month hoping that this is the month... I can understand that she has probably reached her limit and needs to find some way to deal with the stress and pressure and sadness, particularly when all the while I was seemingly so bullish about our chances of success and oblivious to her internal pain. We talked about this recently and she said that she had been at the bottom of the abyss and she had slowly crawled her way back to a place where she is now emotionally safe. It really hurt me to hear say this and realise that I had been oblivious to this whilst it was happening - and I'm the one person whom she should have been able to count on to share these feelings.
The problem is that I feel we are still able to have one more child, and IVF treatment is still viable for us given our age and previous history, and her recent egg reserve tests results which, whilst only a snapshot, were still exemplary.
We have talked about this a few times recently and every time we talk about this I get opposite feelings. On one hand I get very depressed and sad, and frantic, hearing that she doesn't want to go through IVF and that she feels her time for bearing children is almost up as I still feel that the IVF option is there for us. On the other hand, when she says some of the reasons for this, I start to understand her feelings. Her fears are that IVF is a very physically and emotionally demanding procedure with only a low chance of success (just over 37.5yrs, with a first child already). Even after 2 or 3 rounds, there might not be any good news, and at that point, she would probably feel great resentment at having gone through the painful and emotionally wrenching process for nothing. Her question is, if after she's gone through all of that, how would she be able to pick up the pieces at that point? I don't have an answer to that. I know that I would be there for her, and if she were to go for IVF I will make sure I understand all the logistical issues and timing for injections and tests etc., and obviously make things as easy for her as possible at home and try to understand more of her emotional side of things, but if at the end of IVF there is no success (esp as we have been advised previously that my wife should only have a single egg implant as she had severe hyperemesis during our first natural pregnancy, and would be unable to cope with the hyperemesis resulting from twins), then what then? I have been thinking about this but feel that nothing I can say will be an adequate reply to this. I am starting to realise that the mother herself has to steel herself and be ready to deal with the consequences. Maybe earlier on in our TTC #2 my wife felt she was strong enough to deal with this, but maybe now, particularly as she feels she may have more to lose (see below), she feels differently. It may have been only a couple of months ago that she was feeling differently about IVF, but in terms of where she is on her thinking, it is an age ago. I am so sad to hear this. Everytime she tells me matter of factly that this is where her thinking is at, I start getting teary eyed and on the verge of losing it. It just means so much to me, but then again I'm sure it meant a lot more to her previously.
From my simplistic male perspective I would have said that if we're unsuccessful with IVF then we know that we have really tried everything and that there is nothing more we can do, and I'd be more at peace with things then if we didn't have another one. Her reply is, quite rightly, that it doesn't redress how she should feel having gone through all that for nothing. My wife fears that if it is unsuccesful, there may be great bitterness and resentment towards me. She may end up feeling different about me, and maybe about our marriage. I don't know how likely this will be, but I do know that whilst on the IVF drugs, her mood will be greatly affected and likely to go a little mad, from what I've read. I can also understand that, no matter what she may try to feel otherwise, there will be resentment that she is having to go through IVF because of a deficiency on my side. Even if we are successful with IVF there might still be this resentment.
I do desperately want another child, but I don't want it if there is a risk to our marriage. Without our marriage being strong, nothing would matter and it would put everything that I've always wanted for my, and my family's, future at risk.
My wife also fears that if on IVF, she will be unavailable for our daughter (due to the physical/emotional toll and the drugs) and would she feel guilty for not being there for her? On one hand I think that this may only last for the time whilst we're doing the IVF protocol and I will make sure that our little girl is taken care of perfectly during this time, and in return you might get another child for your family, but I also realise that you cannot replace lost time with your child if you're not there for them completely - and this doesn't address any feelings of guilt she may have.
She also fears that there may be long term effects from the IVF drugs, and increased risk of cancer, and maybe mess up her body's natural cycle.
Also, I now understand what my wife had in mind when she was asking me, during the first year of trying by ourselves, what our plan was. With hindsight it is clear - we try by ourselves for a period of time, and give us the best chances of this by exercise, supplements, diet etc. Then we move on to assisted routes, IUI, and then consider IVF after deciding how much we really wanted another one. These are the only options out there, really, if nothing else needs investigating, but it needed me to help her set a timeline for these, rather than just saying that "relax, it'll happen soon" or "it only takes one good sperm" etc. Things which I'm ashamed to have said rather flippantly in hindsight, and whilst not having done everything I could to improve my own side of the bargain.
Although she hasn't said so, I also think that maybe on my wife's side there is the feeling that she wants to be in control of when she decided to stop. Maybe she feels that it is better to still be in control of things (i.e. with her good blood test results and whilst she is still in child bearing age) and deciding to stop on her own terms, rather than having a negative test result after IVF and then realising that we'd come to the end of the road. I think that would be hard for her to deal with, and I can understand why. From my perspective I would want to try all options even if we still come up short, but then I am not the one who has to bear all the injections and the emotional burden.
My wife has said that if we only end up with the one child we have, she'd be ok with that now. I know that for a long time it wasn't that way. This is difficult for me to accept as I still so much want the second one. I think she has come to her own decision that the risks now outweigh the benefits, and I have to respect that but I still desperately hope she will change her mind.
So, a lot of emotions and difficult for me to make sense of all of it. On the one hand I want nothing more than to have another child with my wife - my wife reckons it is because I love my existing daughter so much that my yearning for another one has only increased - yet on the other hand if we continue on by ourselves, and if my SA results don't improve, we likely won't end up having another one without IVF which she is against and which i'm also a little unsure due to the risks to us and her. As she says, she doesn't want another child at the expense of all else.
I love my wife dearly and I don't want to raise the subject of IVF too often as it is difficult for us to discuss this - my wife doesn't want to go back over the edge to the bottom of the emtional abyss - but I can think of nothing else these days. It seems that we have been out of sync in our timing and thinking. I think we have more time, and can prepare for one more push with IVF, whilst my wife now feels it is her sunset. I can't help but think that had I been there more for her during her figuring all this out by herself, she would now still be wanting the second one more and more willing to try IVF, and that is very difficult for me to accept.
We are stlll trying naturally, and for now my wife is still supportive of our efforts, but I feel that soon she will stop even wanting to try again. I can't bear to think of this, and what this will mean, and I have a very heavy heart even as I type this.
i hope we have good news soon. Best of luck to all of you out there in the same situation.