ttc after m/c but DH changed mind!!!
sibble · 08/10/2003 19:53
We have been ttc since m/c in April with no luck. I have an ovarian cyst which is being monitored, it is not causing any problems but probably not helping. DS is 3.5 yrs. Knew DH wasn't sure about having another (he has DS from first marriage as well) but knew I was really keen so agreed. Attempts each month have been half hearted on his part (!) most partners don't know when fertile period is but DH has an internal alarm and would sleep in the barn if he could. But I was still shocked this month when he said he was glad I wasn't pregnant again. Apart from wanting to kill him I think he is being really unfair after the m/c. To agree then change his mind. My due date would be 24/11 so that is not helping, as really wanted to be pregnant before then. I know all his arguements - we are just getting our life back, not young (44 and 38) but all the more reason to do it now. This is probably my last chance.
Not sure what to do now as cannot even look at him let alone talk about it. Any suggestions?
quackers · 09/10/2003 10:37
Oh Sibble, Hi there, lovely to hear from you. I'm so sorry this is happening right now. He;s been hurt badly by this as you have and he must just not want to go through all that again so quickly. I know your m/c was a little while ago now and like anyone you are keen to get on and have another baby. Believe it or not the due date looming was a big burden for both of us and the stress we felt leading up to it was quite big but I didn't know that until the due date had passed. The difference that this has made to us is amazing. My DH was very reluctant to try again after the first mc, but we did straight away, unfotunately we lost that one too and that was another set back. Then we had this due date. I took a half day from work, had my hair done, had a bath, a glass of wine, wathced a video and cooked a meal for us. I then put dd to bed and I lit some candles. I told him that I was ready to move on from our losses and get on with life whatever was in store. I had lost perpective of what I had and staring me in the face was my lovely family that I DO have. I had lost sight of the bigger picture and regained it all in that week. This was our opportunity to lay our cards on the table and say what we wanted. This new frame of mind from me made him feel confident and willing to try again when we feel ready.
I don't know if what I'm saying is any use Sibble, but I'm just saying that the emotions you are both feeling are diff all the time and are still raw. Don't get me wrong, we've had huge barneys over this baby thing. I was completely obsessed, but I'm hoping that is behind me now.
Here's a lovely verse from a card my dear friend gave to me on my due date:
" You ahve to let go of yesterday to sail into tommorow"
"Someone once said that no dreamer is too small and no dream is too big. A few years ago I began to see my destiny and it gave me new hope. I saw a vision for the future and I began to see the encouragement and hope that just one word could give someone. I was able to let go of my yesterdays and begin to believe in all I was born to be.... I believe no matter how big or small you feel, every person has a unique and special purpose and destiny in this world... may you find yours...
Just try and see this from his perspective a little Sibble and turn it round so that you.re both comfortable going forward to try again. Hoep this helps
doormat · 09/10/2003 10:42
Hi Sibble maybe he is feeling it too but not very good at showing his emotions.
He might feel worried for you and not want to see you hurt,and hiding the fact of not building his hopes up.
I really dont know but only giving you suggestions on a mans part as I know my dh felt like this after I had a m/c.
I wish you all the best and hugs xxx
sibble · 10/10/2003 04:04
Dear quackers and doormat
Thanks for your posts. Think have just had extra bad week, was broken into last week (very horrible) have been trying to sort that out, 2 more friends are pregnant, went to a playcentre AGM where congratulations and a round of applause was given to those Mum's who had had babies in the past year (how insensitive, am sure could not have been the only one 'trying' with no success) etc.etc. I have tried to see it from DH's point of view and do understand what he is saying but at the moment it is like stalemate where he doesn't want another and I do. I want him to want a baby not just 'give in' - if he does. Perhaps things will be better after due date. Part of me feels like life is on hold. Job contract finishes in December and am not looking for another in case am pregnant etc. I know I am lucky DS is the best and should be happy with what I have but.... I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just can't see it yet.
Ghosty · 10/10/2003 05:37
Sibble ... I am thinking of you - keep your chin up honey I will speak to you at the w/e ....
nannyjayne · 10/10/2003 22:19
Hi sibble, I really feel for you but I think you need to try to talk aboutit to DH you need to let him know exactly how you feel. Men don't see things as we do and they deal with their emotions in a different way. I had a ms in 1987and still think about the baby we lost and I havn't been able to get pg since. We are now waiting for donor IVF. Have you thought about writing him a letter, sometimes that can be a better way to communicate as he isn't then thinking of his answer.
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