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When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

I feel bad about this but.....

11 replies

countrygirl · 03/10/2003 13:45

...I think this is probably the right place to share it.
We had fertility treatment to have no1 baby. I'm getting on (38) and thought I'd better go and see what the prospects of having another were (No 1 is 18 months) The doctor said I should get on with it and now within 3 weeks of seeing her I'm looking at treatment next week which could result in my getting pg. I might not of course but it was pretty successful first time around. The thing is I'm terrified. I just don't know how I'll cope with 2 babies. I feel like I'm just getting back to something close to normality - emotionally and physically and I'm finding it hard to face the rollercoaster of fertility treatment, pregnancy and a small baby again. It's all too soon for me and there's a big part of me that hopes it doesn't work. I feel so guilty and bad about the whole thing and yet if I don't go through with it - what if I found myself desperate for a baby in a year and then they might not treat me, higher risk of mc, lower chance of pg and so on and so on. Anyone got any thoughts to make me feel better? I'd be grateful as I feel pretty bad at the moment.....

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M2T · 03/10/2003 13:53

I think that most people feel the anxiety and worry themselves sick about how they'll cope with 2 kids rather than one. One's hard enough afterall! But you also have the added pressure that you have been made to feel that you have no choice but to do it now.... so no chance of leaving a bigger gap. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, but I have no experience of fertility treatment.... I imagine that is hugely stressful.

I would say that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal, but I'm sure it'll all change when you actually become pregnat. Plus, your 18mth old won't be a baby by the time the new one comes along!

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Northerner · 03/10/2003 13:58

Countrygirl Hi. I don't really have any advise to offer you, other than to say I have similar fears. My ds is 18 months, and I'm wondering when would be a good time to have number 2. I too have the same fears of pregnancy and a new baby at home etc. However I am only 27 and do not need fertility treatment to conceive, so I guess I have time on my side and have put number 2 off for thje moment. If I was in your situation I would go ahead with the treatment and if you do get pregnant then it is meant to be and you will cope. Sure, you'll probably have a couple of tiring, exhausting, life disrupting years but compared to a lifetime of regretting not having a second child I know which I'd prefer.

I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, but how I would feel in your situation. HTH.

Only you can make the best decision for you.

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Azure · 03/10/2003 14:00

I can understand perfectly what you feel - after DS it took us a long time to contemplate trying for no. 2, and then I came on and off the pill a few times before "leaving it to fate". Could you arrange with your doctor to have treatment in, say, 6 months time? That will give you a little more time to think about it. How do you view the prospect of having an only child? If you do have the treatment and become pregnant, you will cope, the same way that you have coped with one. Good luck whatever you decide.

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luchar · 03/10/2003 15:07

Hi. Although I didn't have to have fertility treatment I had had four miscarriages and my consultant told me to 'get on with it' if I wanted to have another child. I got pregnant and stayed pregnant when DS1 was 18months - a smaller gap than I would ideally have chosen (would have chosen a 3 year gap I think) - and was very apprehensive at first. But, when DS2 was born the DS1 was 2 and 3 months and I found it was a lovely age gap - so much changes in 9 months you just can't compare an 18 month old with a 2.3 year old. DS1 had really grown up a lot while I was pregnant but was still enough of a baby to enjoy things like mums and tots etc plus I was with him as well when off on the maternity leave with DS2. Two years on I'm still a fan of a two year age gap (although i have nothing to compare it to!). Plus, I much prefer having two children, seems more like a family to me but that's just my preference. Good luck whatever you decide.

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jedy · 03/10/2003 15:58

you will know the best what to do, but i think one thing is for sure- you will cope!!! good luck!

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sunchowder · 03/10/2003 18:20

CountryGirl, if you are really nervous about this, I would put it off for six months as Azure said aboveit is so important that you feel good about it so that you can have the best pregnancy possible. The clock is ticking, I know this, I had my first and only natural child when I was 39 (I had 3 stepchildren - one was 3 years old when my DD was born). I did not have to go through fertility treatments however, I was still quite fertile on my own. With the pressure that you do feel, I wonder if you are with the right doctorsI would think that you could still have a very healthy baby, even if you waited a year or two? I don't know your specifics. This is a very tough situation and I can't pretend to even come close to an answer for you. You have done this before, if you go through with this, you have 9 months or so to adjust physically and emotionally. If you are financially able to, maybe you can comfort yourself with a nurse or nanny that can work in the evenings so that you can get uninterrupted sleep, etc for the first six months. You sound so alone on the thread, I was just trying to imagine some possibilities for you. All the best in whatever you decide--it will be the right decision and you must trust yourself on this!

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bluecow · 03/10/2003 19:51

I understand your worries. But then kids are a handful at any age - even if you waited two years you'll still have two young children. I'm nearly 40, 12 weeks pregnant and I have a ds who's not yet one. I wanted to get pregnant soon and I know it will be hard having two little ones. You have a hard decision to make but have to weigh up how long it might take you to get pregnant and your age.

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miriamw · 03/10/2003 23:23

I can appreciate where you're coming from. I had several years of fertility treatment, and finally conceived ds1 on our 3rd IVF attempt. However I knew that I didn't want only one child, so when ds1 was 16 months we started IVF again, on the basis that I would do 3 attempts in a year and see what happened. As it happens I became pg straight away. It was very strange in some respects because I never had got round to getting broody 2nd time round - it was very much a reasoned decision rather than an emotional one. I now have a 5month old and a 2.5 year old. Life is very busy but still enjoyable, but again I knew from the start that I definitely did not want an only child.

If it is any help the roller coaster was lessened in some ways as my days were filled by ds1 - however the logistics of treatment were far more difficult in terms of childcare, or having to take ds1 into London for clinic appointments. Also part of the anxiety first time round is the gradual realisation that there may be a problem, the various investigations, followed by a series of different treatments. Second time round we effectively skipped 3 years worth of tests and treatment and just went straight to IVF.

If you know that you definitely want to have another child sometime, then I would say go for it - age is such a huge factor in the fertility game, and all age differences between siblings have pros and cons. But if you think that you might be happy to stick at one then I would wait and see, as there is no turning back.

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countrygirl · 04/10/2003 08:16

Thanks for sharing your experiences - it's a great comfort as I haven't told many people the full extent of my position - feel like I'm moaning old bag if I do. Sunchowder I suppose I do come across as sounding a bit alone. I do have a wonderful DH but he didn't experience it the way I did and I am the sort of person who worries ahead a great deal. I know this isn't useful but I guess it's just the way I am.

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throckenholt · 04/10/2003 10:03

It really is easier second time around - I had twins second time but it still seems easier. I think experience is the key thing - you tend not to worry so much, and trust your instincts more. By the time you have a second baby your first will be fairly independent and will probably "help" a lot

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sunchowder · 04/10/2003 21:54

Countrygirl, I worry about just everything so I can relate to you on that count! I also am married to a wonderul guy, but when it came to childcre, etc, I was pretty much on my own with that responsibility. He could sleep through a bomb going off, let alone my little one waking up for a feed. It is a tremendous commitment and the rewards are just as great Keep writing in and let us know how you are doing with this.

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