When is it the right time?

[soundbites]

Hi,
You might have seen pretty much the same lament from me on the 'Planning Ahead' thread ... Anyone else in the same position as me? I am a habitual planner and want things to be just right when we decide to try for a baby. My husband, 7 years my senior (he is 34, I'm 27) is desperate for a baby (some of his friends are onto no 3) and I am the one dragging my heels. Yet I know he wants to have a baby while he is still on the 'younger' side (and I find his desire to be a daddy utterly adorable!). I know we will have to find a point of compromise - a bit later than he wants, a bit sooner than I want. And I do definitely want kids.
We have discussed trying May/June 2006 when I have got through the next 6 month's prescription of the pill which I guess could mean a birth as soon as Feb 2007 (I'll be just short of 29 by then). In the meantime he plans to leave his job in Oct 2006 (the earliest possible chance) and embark on freelance work so that he can be the one to stay at home once my maternity leave is up (I have a better job and it makes more financial sense that he becomes a 'househusband', although I'd love to be a stay at home mum if it were financially viable). I think it is rather reckless to have the baby already on the way by then before we know if the freelance will really work out - more of my chronic planning! He says that no amount of planning will prepare us for a child and we should just go ahead and do it.
He isn't forcing me into it, of course, and has relucantly voiced the option that we can wait and see if his new work is successful ? give it 6 months or so - and for me to be a bit older, but if we are then going to have a baby early 2008 instead that seems like an eternity! Yes, I know I am completely contradictory and making no sense!!! Maybe by the time I get to the summer it will feel totally ok. Part of the prob is I am only the second of my friends to get married, let alone start a family.
I'm not asking for solutions, it would be just good to hear from anyone in a similar position. I am so grateful to find this site as a sounding board!

Hi Soundbites. All I can say is if you wait till the perfect time it won't happen. Your life adapts to fit around having children. As for him staying at home, I know of one couple who do that, but I don't think it would work for me, even though I am the major breadwinner and it would make more sense for my hubby to stay at home rather than me which is what I plan to do if I ever have another (fingers crossed). I personally think a mother's bond is stronger and while I think dad's are just as important, I couldn't bear to miss out....

Thanks very much for getting in touch IAmBlossom. Great to hear another viewpoint. You have comfirmed what my hubby thinks that there is no right time! It will change our lives regardless, won't it? Much as I have been wondering if it is too soon still, the thought of not being the one to stay at home has been bothering me. I don't know what it will feel like to have to hand my child over, although to its Dad would be better than nursery.
Will keep you posted on any developments!

Well, I waited until the "right time" - after really not wanting kids at all, in the last year I have felt my feelings change through "I could live with having kids" all the way to "I want kids right now!". I strongly believe that for me personally it was best to wait until I wanted kids, that my own "right time". It would have been wrong for me to have kids just because DH wanted them - we both agreed on that.

I am now 34, and finding it hard to conceive. That's the problem I guess - no couple knows how hard or easy it is going to be to conceive before they actually start trying. You could wait until "the right time" and suddenly find you've left it a bit late and things are difficult. Or you might find you are super fertile and get pregnant first cycle!

Another consideration is how many kids in total do you want? How far apart in age do you want them? How old will that make you when you're ttc number 2 or 3? You're at a good age now in your late twenties, having kids into your early thirties should not be too much of a problem, but take heed of all the medical advice about ease of conception and chances of abnormalities after the age of 35.

It's good to be aware of your financial and work situation, but think also about "worst case" scenario - if DH's freelancing didn't work out, would he be able to go back into full time employment? Or would you be able to survive on your salary alone?

My DH runs his own business from home, and we need my salary to keep bread on the table. So our plan is for him to look after the baby when I return to work. However I'm not sure yet how much work he'll be able to get done with a small baby in the house, and we may need to live without his income totally. All things we'll just deal with as and when they happen.

This is turning into quite a long post, I guess my point is you have already made the largest decision - that you both want kids. All the remains now is sorting out the details of when. And in that case, I think your DH is right - there may never be a "perfect" time. Think about the big picture. Also think about how things would be if you discovered you were pregnant tomorrow - it may not be as scary as you think.

I hope some of this helps in some way!

Hugs,
Artoo.

Hi, I am 34 and also TTC... well , not too serious, but we arn't protected... been trying a year. ( as i came off depo sep 2004, fertility not returned yet, only just started irregular periods ), anyway...
There is never a right time. We are planning a trip to oz for all Feb/March and April, so don't want to be preggy then really, but not stopping fate. Then we plan to move out there during the next 18 months, can i add more stress into my life. So because of my age, i have descided that now we have started trying we will continue, and i will see what happens as it happens. My DH on the other hand is a project manager and just has to plan everything !! so for him this situation is proving hard to cope with... So we have descided to carry on trying, and if it happend it happens, and still to carry on the move and move out even if we are expecting or have a little baby. As then we both get our dreams forefilled. Him to move to Oz, me to have a family !! ( although i can predict that i will take the brunt of the hard work and stress) .... See compromise is always the best way forward... and communication too.... you don't ever know what the other person is THINKING until they tell you.. xXx he thought we couldn't have both dreams , I say we can...

Rachee and Artoo - thanks for your posts. Been away so only accessing them now. You've brought up lots of interesting points. And you know what - if I found out I was accidentally pregnant now I would be pleased (although I would also be relieved that the decision had been taken out of my hands!) I know too that I would be devestated to leave it until a lot later and then find I have loads of problems ttc.

Glad to hear that you also plan to return to work, Artoo with your husband being the one at home. So it is not only us thinking this way. Good to have this in common.

I guess if the worst came to the worst and the freelanceing from home didn't work out we would have to just try on one salary or look into nursery (not ideal). But I am sure you can always find a way to manage when you have to.

hugs to you too and keep in touch
soundbites