Giving up on a dream of a last baby :-(

[hippychick66]

I just wondered if anyone else was thinking of stopping TTC or had stopped.

I am 44 with 2 lovely boys aged 11 & 8. About 18 months ago my husband and I decided to try for a 'cheeky' last baby. Here we are 18 months later and 2 MCs down the line and I think I have to admit to myself that it just wasn't meant to be.

I have endometriosis and am finding that each cycle that I don't get pregnant (11 months since last MC) my endo pain is increasing. The plan is to try for just a couple more months and then get a coil put in (that helped a lot with the pain before).

I do feel very sad about giving it all up but I have to be realistic about what can be achieved and grateful for what I already have.

I'm on a lovely thread for over 40's but I don't want to talk too much about giving up on there as I don't want to bring everyone else down.

Any thoughts???

Hippy - hi chum, I know how you feel!!!!! We are at the not trying but not preventing stage realistically. At 43 and after 10 miscarriages, I can't see my "last baby" appearing either. I have even stopped falling pregnant despite stopping using contraception again earlier this year. It is not likely to happen for me. At christmas I was going back on the contraceptive pill, but unfortunately I was ill and it was a waste of time.

I am having fun being part of a fertility monitors study at the moment, getting to try out all sorts of gadgets, but in my heart I am now looking to other things in my life. Getting fit being one of them, and another - fostering.

My dh and I are putting ourselves forward to be fostercarers. I just have that extra little space in my life for more children, and since I am not going to be getting my own little pregnancy and baby, I have decided to use that emotion to care for other peoples children. I will be starting just looking after babies..... so I will get all the sleepless nights but this will just be looking after the baby to hand them onto their future adoptive parents or back to their families depending on the individual babies situation. I just feel that the maternal instinct in me, needs to be vented somehow, and this seemed like the ideal solution for me.

I am waffling, but basically I am saying, if/when you stop trying, you do need something to take its place. The time and effort in emotion of ttc, needs to be used elsewhere. Only you know how/what this can be for you.

I have spent the last few months grieving for the lost babies and the loss of the dream of another child. That grieving process is still there in a way, but the pain is much less now, and I feel like I am finally reaching a point of acceptance. I definitely went through denial (keeping trying for so long), then the anger (of the why not one more for me), then the bargaining (with my dh and my body!) and depression (crying for a couple of weeks!), and now I feel like I am now finally reaching the stage of acceptance. It has been a long hard journey, but I now feel I am getting some focus back in my life that was before taken over by ttc.

I hope that you don't have to go through this process, but if you do, then I hope that you give yourself plenty of time and tlc. Hugs to you my friend.

GG I searched for you earlier cos I wanted to talk to you about this subject and I knew that you were also toying with the idea too but I couldn't find you anywhere. Soooo glad that you replied.

I was wondering how you were. Thanks for your lovely long reply. I agree that i need a new focus and as you may or may not know we (the family) are planning to move quite a distance soon so i have managed to get all caught up in picking areas and schools etc and that has allowed me to really see what a lovely family I have.

I will let you know how it all goes. Please keep in touch now that i've found you again. Good luck with the fostering etc. Not sure I am strong enough to do all that but really admire those that do.

Anyone else thinking of giving up?

My lovely GP has decided to let me have clomide for 3 months. I was very pleased cos I know she didn't agree to it lightly. She is so nice, she said that she understands where I'm at and agrees that by giving clomide a chance I will feel like I've done all i can to make this baby happen.

I feel stupidly excited that it might work and also relieved that if it doesn't work this will at least bring TTC to a natural close.

stopping here too, i think you reach a point where enough is enough tbh, but you do need to mourn that decision imo

lady do you mind me asking why you are stopping, what was the turning point etc. ??? Don't answer if it's too difficult. It's just interesting to know. Yes I do agree that we need to mourn what's not going to be.

I don't know if you have children already but for me a big turning point was when I was away for the Easter hols and I looked at my two boys and thought - if this is how it's going to be forever then it really is fine and I really need to appreciate it.

I'm pleased about the clomid though because if it doesn't work after 3 months I really will be able to draw a line - i think

I have ds who is 6, he was born after a horrific pg by a botched cs, since then I have just had my 14th mc and an ep.

Ive been hoping, and hoping and now all my faith has gone. my consultant is shit and wont listen to me and I am ineligible for IVF. I can try clomid again, but whats the point? I just cant keep going through this. I am lucky, I have a wonderful little boy, this isnt the completed family I wanted, but its enough now.

:(
just :(, my darling hippster, pls don't fret about being you on the thread. That's what we're all there for. And that's the reality of TTC at 40+. It's shit, but there you go.

Can't even think of giving up yet, but need to start being realistic at some point. Not there yet.

lady I'm so sorry to hear about all the MC's. I really am in awe of some people's strength.

I know it's not the family that you wished for but as you say, it is a family and it is wonderful to be able to look at him and know that he made it and you have him. I do not blame you at all for feeling like you're at the end of this journey. ((()))

jolls I know I can be me on that thread but I feel it is a place where we are all trying for that ultimate goal and if I bang on too much about my reasons for stopping I will only hi-lite to others how difficult this bloody thing is to achieve - IYSWIM.

You keep your head in the sand for a bit longer lovey, you may still get your goal. (FX)

Stopping TTC is not something you can force and I couldn't even have contemplated it a while back - I think it just creeps up on you and one day you think "I can actually see me not doing this any more!"

If this clomid doesn't work or doesn't agree with me then I will get a coil fitted but I will cry all the way home

I am in a similar boat.

have 2 dc, 11 and 8, have been trying for over 3 years for a 3rd baby. became pregnant in oct after 4th cycle of Clomid but miscarried at 10 weeks.

Back on the Clomid but 3 cycles in and no success. Have now turned 40 and I am feeling so negative.

I feel it will never happen and part of me is unsure whether to continue as the thought of success also scares me as the miscarriage was awful.

Therefore, dammed if I do, dammed if I don't . I feel I will always live with regret if I stop. I am stuck in limbo.

ugg we sound very similar - our children are the same ages .

I know what you mean - i feel scared of a BFP and sad when i get a BFN

I've been listening to Paul McKenna to help me lose weight and he says we should visual ourselves in our future looking how we want to look. I found I was able to imagine myself toned and slim and happy with my lot (there was no new baby in my visualisatoin) and I was ok about it. I'm lucky in that we are moving soon and I have a lot to take my mind of trying to have a new baby. Is there something else you can focus on as an alternative future. I'm older than you as well so maybe that makes it easier for me to admit defeat.

The way i look at it is that i had 4 pregnancies. the first two resulted in my children and the second two gave me heartache - i have to focus on how much joy the first 2 pregnancies gave me (and continue to give me) and not dwell on the pain the second two gave me - do you see what i mean?

Hippy, Thank you for your kind words and I do see what you mean. I only have 9 mths of treatment left and if it has not worked by then I will have to try to move on.

I have done everything I can, I even lost 4 stone to help my chances of conceiving.

I adore the children that I have and I am thankful for them. One of them was a clomid baby the other was a fluke (thats what the doctor said).

After the mc I booked a really expensive holiday to the South of France this summer. This was after 2 summers in the uk on the basis that I might have been pregnant. So sunshine here we come.

well done on the 4 stone loss - that in itself is a wonderful achievement.

9 months left of treatment is still 9 chances, lovie.

Enjoy the holiday. Can I ask how you find the clomid??

Hi hippy I don't know if you remember me from charters way back when.

I have considered not trying again after complications following 2 miscarriages quite close together. I'm not at that point of saying never again but I am fearful of another BFP.

Sometimes I wonder about life with my DS as an only child and what I'll do if I keep having miscarriages but, for me, that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it IYSWIM.

I hope the clomid works for you and will keep my fingers crossed.

Hello mouse - yes I do remember you (a different name I think) and I have lurked on the MC thread and seen you all there. So sorry to hear that things arn't working out for you right now. I'm guessing that you are younger than me so you probably have a bit more time BUT I realise that that is not the only factor at work here. You are questioning if you can keep putting yourself through this. Bloody crap isn't it.

I wish you all the best and will let you know how the clomid gets on with me

Having lost babies I find that I look at my boys as even more of a miracle IYSWIM. At the time I took it for granted that they would go the distance but of course now I realise that it was actually a wonderful achievement and not to be sniffed at. Much love to you XXX

I find the Clomid ok. I get the odd hot flush. But I also get terrible pmt, much worse than when I am not taking it. It makes me feel enraged and emotional.

Perhaps I am just a moody cow but blame it on the Clomid. Hope it works for you x

Oh God - I can get pretty bloody emotional and grumpy all by myself

Thanks ugg - I am currently at ovulation time this cycle so wont be starting the clomid for a while yet. Had a barney with DH this morning and that was without any added medication. He does drive me mad sometimes.

Hi Hippy,ive spoken to you before i think.Sorry you are at this stage,what will you do,start to use contraception?
I remarried 4 yrs ago and he was younger and had no kids of his own-i had 4. We talked about it and went down the see what happens route,i was 40 and had also had mc's and heavy chemotherapy. Nothing happened and i often felt guilty i was denying him something i had myself,as i got to 43 i just accepted it wasnt going to happen but didnt bother with contraception. Suddenly out of the blue i was pregnant,it was such a shock i had to lie down.I hope i dont sound gloaty cos i just wanted you to have a bit of hope,i cannot understand how i was so infertile and then suddenly just got pg,but it does happen,it such a powerfull feeling once you are trying and its hard not to watch the calandar etc.and even harder to give it up,good luck.

ledkr - wow - congratulations. I think i do recognise your name. You don't sound like you're gloating at all. How far along are you - or is the baby here already??

I know it can happen when you least expect it and I think if it wasn't for my endometriosis I would probably just keep trying in a casual way but the problem with endometriosis is that every month that i don't get pregnant I am risking problems and pain which could lead to further problems later on. So i will probably get a mirena coil put back in (that stopped me having periods before and thus I had no endometriosis pain.)

Just incase you don't know what I'm going on about - www.endo-resolved.com/symptoms.html

Hi Hippy,she is here,Delilah Ivy Emmeline 14 wks today.I wont say its not been hard work tho and i have struggled with the transition from having a fairly independent 9 yr old to night feeds and having so little time to myself.
I do realise im lucky tho.
What a shame about the endometriosis,how frustrating for you to have to choose.I must admit i was starting to think i should be using something as i was getting to the age i didnt really want to be pregnant.It such a hard decision to make isnt it?Its like closing the door.If it helps that feeling still remains as obviously thats my lot but i still am struggling with needing to be sterilised. What does your Dr advise?

oh fab - what great names. I'm really pleased for you.

The doctor says that she thinks 3 months of clomid will help me to feel like I did my best, she has always been very supportive about my geriatric attempts at baby making.

I think she probably agrees that it's not good to let the endo take over. Before I had kids it was bad and I had lots of pain and I don't want to go back to that (especially as I get older).

I think id have felt better about giving up if id had clomid or at least done something,i did see Dr when trying and blood tests were ok but i didnt push for anymore tests.
I had breast cancer very young and have higher risk ovarian cancer,i could have them removed but couldnt quite bring myself to do it so i kind of understand the difficulty in drawing the line.
I really hope you either get lucky or find some closure,i will be looking out for your news on here.Lots of luck.

Read this today on a picture and thought of you!

"Life isn?t about waiting for the storm to pass, it?s about dancing in the rain"
or
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about Learning to Dance in the Rain."

Thanks GG that is so true.

I like the one that goes:- It's better to be an optimist than a pessamist in life. The outcome will always be the same but you'll enjoy the journey more.

I did vow to try to stick to that if I ever got another BFP - but it would be bloody difficult!