DH changed his mind out of the blue!

[peeriebear]

About a year after we had DD2 (DD1 is his stepdaughter but considers her 'his') DH stated quite calmly that he thought two children was QUITE enough, thank you. He was happy that the chaotic baby days were done and we could get on with being a family unit. I wasn't in any rush for another, but thought to myself (and said to him) that we should never say never. Now DD1 is 9 and DD2 is 4.
Last year he bought a car he loves, finally after a string of third hand bangers! one he says he wants to work on, maintain and refurbish. It's a four seater two door with a fairly small boot.
He has always tried hard to maintain 'us' time, and talked about the time that the children will be more independent and we can arrange more things for just the two of us (he adores the children, is just not letting things stagnate between us, which I like.)
Two weeks ago we got quite tipsy- well, drunk- and HE initiated the conversation out of the blue that if we were going to have another, we should do it sooner rather than later! It's the last thing I expected him to come out with. He said he'd sell the car for a more practical one if we did actually succeed, and was rather excited about the whole thing. I said I'd like to, and would need to give it sober thought, but that it was lovely to know he was in for another.
The next day when we were sober again he said all the same things again, that it was definitely something we should think about etc.
I am pleased/shocked/scared! I've always wanted another in the dim recesses of my mind but now things are settled and DD2 will be at school in Sept, I would be on the cusp of being able to work more hours, get some adult time back etc. But then the baby days are so short in the grand scheme of things...
Another thing is that I had a 2nd degree tear delivering DD2 and am going for an examination in June (yes, four years on ) to see if I need any repair work done because the scarring is still uncomfortable. If I was pregnant or ttc they would leave the scarring as it is I assume, in case I was to give birth again months on? (if i'm VERY lucky- DD2 took over a year to conceive).
I'm just sounding out really, but it's helping me to get things straight writing it down.

Ah well I'll talk things through on my own!

Not really sure what you are asking - do YOU want another child? I'm proabably not the best person to reply as I was very happy to stop at one. - although I am sure my DH would have loved me to change my mind about that !

Perhaps you have since changed your mind from sort of 'assuming' that you wanted another child? Don't rush into anything.

I don't know what I'm asking really Have other people decided to upend their 2+2 easy life and add a third and it's been great? Or terrible?
I honestly would love another, but I'm worried about more tearing. Having DD2 was traumatic (being stitched up for almost an hour) Plus I am TERRIFIED of blood tests. if I do end up pg can I tell them I don't want them? :)

I was not on MN for my first two DDs so now I guess I want to use it as a sounding board as much as possible, that's all :) TTC DD2 was soooo draggingly tediously draining. DH had sperm motility test, I monitored fertility with a callista saliva monitor thing, in the end I said "fuck it", stopped testing, gave up, was pg the next month.

If I were you I would just stick with your two lovely daughters - your birth experience sounds awful.

what're the chances you can have an elective c section? would that make a difference to your decision?

I have no idea. Both births were not pleasant- DD1 sunny side up, all spinal contractions, screaming in sheer agony until finally epidural given! Could still push so delivered naturally with 2 or 3 stitches.
DD2 posterior again, second stage 14 mins, MW suddenly said "Ooh don't push now" when I was already well into pushing nothing but a hammer to the head could have stopped me pushing at that point, hence fanjo carnage.
I don't know what I'd think about an elective CS. One friend who had an EMCS took a long time to recover. Another friend has 4 DC and 2 were CS, she was up and about fairly fast- horses for courses.
I think I'll have to see what this examination of my Frankenfanjo brings, whether they think I need a procedure or whether they think it could go again :o

I don't think that the birth experience should the primary deciding point about whether to have another child or not - sorry, but ultimately the birth is such a small part of it all, isn't it? What about

• House, big enough, or current children likely to be happy sharing?
• Finances - do you want all three to be able to go to university, could you afford to support fees them? Your age gaps are quite far apart so maybe won't have to pay for three at once, but how old will you be when they want to go, what else might you need to be doing?
• Impact on your job/career - you say you're on the cusp of being able to work more hours. If you had to remain on reduced hours, does that negatively affect your chances to improve pay/prospects?

I hope I don't sound too negative, I actually would love to have 3-4 myself but am struggling tc my 2nd, I just think there are maybe more issues you should explore than just the physical act of getting pregnant & giving birth. Also, I don't mean to dismiss your fears about the traumatic birth, as it's obviously been an ongoing problem for you - I hope it doesn't come across like that

Have you asked your DH why he's been thinking about it? And does he WANT another or is he just saying, IF we're going to have another, now would be the right time...

I am pregnant with my third, 3 in 3 and half years - I must be mad! Always wanted 3 and count mtself very lucky (but knackered). I also had a 3rd degree tear with my first and spinal block/theatre etc. Had a elcs with number 2 and it was a walk in the park compared to the "fanjo carnage"

Don't let a elcs put you off. The bottom line is if someone said thats it, no more babies would you feel sad? Would you have regrets later if you stopped now? Would your DH?

Yes, I would be sad if somebody said no more- I've looked at it that way before :)
Ladybee- I can't even afford to send DD1 to university let alone DD2 or subsequent children. In all honesty it's never been high on my list of priorities to have a fund set up for them. We can happily manage day to day and I have savings for a crisis but no 'college funds'. There are many years between now and then, and if I waited until we had sufficient capital built up I could be going to Romania for IVF at 60!
My job is part time and not a career, however I love it- I work in a high-end toy shop and play with lovely things all day :)
Obviously the birth is a small aspect of it but even though we're not even ttc yet it looms large in my vision of the future! Not the baby or the juggling of everything we have and do but the birth!

The birth is a small aspect yes, but damage done by a difficult birth is NOT a small aspect! Don't beat yourself up because it worries you - it worried me enough to have the surgical option instead! It is something to consider, I would reckon if you still have issues that they'll offer you an elcs and if you went that way, its really not so bad, considering 4 years on you are still having issues. Good luck

Thank you wheresmytractor :) it really helps to talk things through!

hi peeriebear - as I said, I don't want to make out that the damage caused by the difficult birth isn't a consideration, as it obviously is for you and lots of women - mine was an emergency c-section and I recovered fine btw.
Just wanted to raise some other issues that you might want to talk about with your DH when making this decision together, definitely not recommending that anyone needs a college fund before ttc, just that you know, you talk it through with DH to see whether you're both thinking the same way about it or whether it's a worry for one of you but not the other IYSWIM.

Talk about your ideas re further children when you go for the repair consult too - I would think an elective c-section would be possible for you with your history, but then you'd need to wait til after before TTC for the healing and so as not to be pg while having anaesthetic etc?

I had dc3 when ds was 12 and dd1 was 9. Fantastic fun - best thing we ever did.

Can you discuss the possibilities of another pg at your repair appointment. Think I'd have a elcs with your history but would still have a 3rd dc

OP I'm on a thread where our Partners won't even discuss TTC - for many of us, it would be the first baby. I'm telling you this so you know where I'm coming from.

When I saw the title to your thread my first thought was (foolish) excitement - that a reticent potential father had come round to the idea. Then immediately I thought oh no what if was the other way round, so you were TTC and he'd pulled the plug?

Then I read your thread and as I read your description of your fella's enthusiasm for DC3 developing, I started to get that horrible sense of foreboding you get when you read a horror story. I thought you were going to say he'd built up your hopes and then done a u turn and backed out.

How would you feel if he had?

I'd say go for it, if you feel you can provide for three children. It does sound like you can (and not just talking about the financial side of things). I'd love to have third child and our children are similar ages to yours. The baby and toddler stages are so short and you'd have the perfect opportunity to enjoy them.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!