Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Flip

Original poster

Struggling to conceive but I may know why...

13 replies

yankiedoodledandy · 21/04/2011 23:50

My best friends sister has been ttc for what seems like ages (3 years +). A few years back in a v drunken moment her DH, let's call him Jim (who already has a child from a previous relationship) confided in my DH that he'd never have another child as 'between you and me, I've had the snip'. My DH only told me this recently when I was saying how much my BF's sis was struggling. However my DH was not convinced it's the truth, as Jim is a bit of a sensationalist, loves attention and to be honest is a bit of a drunken arse at every social occasion we've ever been to with him. Plus my DH was a little worse for wear too so can't 100% vouch for his memory of the conversation being exactly right. Now have massive dilemma of whether to say anything. BF sis had all tests and no problems found, apparently jim gone for tests too but making excuses about completing them all (away with work etc.). Should I keep quiet (dh says yes as he's worried he might've got wrong end of stick) or say something? She's such a lovely girl early 30s and desperate for children, Jim is 40ish. I'm not bothered about Jim finding out I've said something but BF already has strained relationship with Jim so don't want to cause massive ructions between them or between her and her sis if I'm wrong. BF really upset about it tho so hard to keep quiet. Help!
Posted in WWYD too but wanted to get your opinions as active TTC-ers, thanks

OP posts:

goingmadtrying · 22/04/2011 07:54

I think that its hard enough and emotional enough when ttc that she probably deserves to know the truth, I think whether you tell her depends on how confident your DH is with what he remembers, Could your DH have a word with Jim and ask him if what he said was true?? And suggest that he lets her know, i feel for her as its so emotionally draining and the utter disappoint you get with each bfn is terrible, if she is going through this with no hope of concieving then thats wrong. Also if this is true is he reliable enough to be the person she starts a family with, thats one big secret to keep and like you say he has a child and is depriving her of that, possibly forever if she never finds out. What an awful dilema, good luck with whatever you decide.

p.s just had an after thought maybe you could talk to BF and let her decide whether she tells her sister :)

DreamingOfABump · 22/04/2011 09:02

i think i would tell your bf. awful situation for you :( why would he le about that though?

eurochick · 22/04/2011 10:11

I agree. Tell the BF. Caveat it by mentioning that everyone was drunk and your OH is not 100% aware of his recollection. Leave it for BF to tell her sis.

If this is true, I suspect she needs that bloke out of her life. No one should have to go through the stress of TTC unsuccessfully because of someone else's dishonesty.

Original poster

yankiedoodledandy · 22/04/2011 11:35

Jim is a total arse as you can gather, I do want to tell my best friend but she will go ballistic (obviously) and it will all kick off. Without my DH being 100% on what was said its difficult, and as for why would you lie about something like that, Jim is the sort of person who would lie about it just to get a reaction, that's why we never thought it true at the time, but now they are struggling its come back to haunt me.

I can't see how he can be having tests without it coming out if its true, maybe someone on here knows, luckily I've not had to go for them but do you go as a couple or could he say he's going then not go if you know what I mean? Surely the hospital/ doctor will have his records saying he's been snipped if that's the case?

OP posts:

Original poster

yankiedoodledandy · 22/04/2011 11:36

PS the WWYD response has been to keep quiet! But only 1 poster so far.

OP posts:

eurochick · 22/04/2011 13:06

The tests should show it up. If he is actually having them.... You mentioned he had been making excuses. Has he definitely gone?

My GP won't refer to a gynae or do anything until I have had my Day 3 and 21 blood tests and hubby has had sperm analysis. There is no point running every investigation possible on the woman if the hubby has no sperm! It's expensive for the NHS and invasive for her.

Bexamundo · 22/04/2011 13:13

What about talking to him? Would you be brave enough to call him out directly? That way you would at least have your facts straight. I def wouldn't go to your bf's sister yourself for fear of 'interfering'!

Liliana1 · 22/04/2011 14:01

I can understand the advice not to get involved and poss before this would have been what I would have said, but, now I am TTC and know the heartbreak every month when it doesn't happen I wouldn't want anyone to go through that when they have no hope because of a lie.

Even if he made it up, to even say it for attention, shouts that he is not the sort of person I would want to spend my life with and if kids are important to her, his attitude to having kids says that maybe she is better of without him.

I really don't envy your situation but if it was me I would want someone to tell me - if it's not true it will be easy to prove and if it is she can stop the never ending counting, temperature taking and POASing and decide what she wants to do. (((((hugs)))))) to you and her and I hope it turns out ok for all involved xxx

thumbbunny · 22/04/2011 14:04

I'd tell her that you have heard a rumour, and that it may not be accurate, but she might want to ask Jim if it's true.

Frankly, if it IS true, then they shouldn't stay together. It's unbelievably cruel to put someone through the anguish of TTC, knowing that it's never going to happen because he's had the snip. I'd want to know that someone could be that cruel to me, honestly I would, even if I went ballistic initially.

ninani · 22/04/2011 14:18

If you think Jim is an occasional liar confronting him would only make another lie surface. Speak to your friend and she can tell her sister. She doesn't need to tell her sister the source. Plus Jim was drunk so which are the chances of him even remembering what he said?

DizzyKipper · 22/04/2011 17:30

That is such an awful thing to do - it is really horrible hoping for the good news every month and feeling that disappointment, to have this happen to her intentionally whilst she doesn't know anything about the reason is awful.

I can understand why your husband doesn't want you to say, if he did happen to be wrong it will really put him in it. However, from the sound of it 'Jim' has definitely said something - whether he's lying about it or not. And when you stop to think about it, even if he were going around and lying about something like this does that really make him innocent? Lying about having the snip is definitely not what a nice person does.

To protect your BF against possible ructions between her and Jim were your DH to be wrong, could you not say something about it directly to the sister yourself? If your DH is right then she does deserve to know - she would literally be wasting years of her life with a man who quite clearly has contempt and no respect for her.

bossyboop · 22/04/2011 19:05

If it were me I would want to know and have the opportunity to choose to end the relationship and hope to meet someone else who does want children. How would you feel if it was you, TTC for over 3 years when it was virtually impossible and other people knew but didn't tell you. If it is true then it is very dishonest of him and what basis is that for a relationship.

I too would tell BF and let her tell her sister, if it's wrong then DH was drunk got the wrong end of the stick. OK it could risk your friendship with her sister if it is wrong but surely this woman has a right to know this if it is true. You could say that DH was rambling on about it to you when he was drunk to take the heat off him a bit. But surely this womans right and desire to have a baby is more important than any friendships being strained.

DreamingOfABump · 23/04/2011 23:07

have you come to any decisions OP?

Flip