Convincing OH ...

[LittleWhiteHeart]

Hi All

I'm a newbie here and have spent the last week or so reading loads of your comments and posts ... it's all so interesting - what a great community! Finally brave enough to dive in!

My main reason for venturing onto MN when I'm not even a mum is that I'd love to be one! Just one slight prob ... my OH isn't so sure!

The Background is this: I'm 30, he's 26. He has a 4 year old DD from a previous relationship and I think he's scared. DD wasn't planned and relationship with ex can be strained. We've been together 3 years and I've felt maternal for probably the last 12 months. Plus friends and family are all starting to settle with either babies or wedding announcements. The time is right for me, but not yet for him!

Would just like to hear your thoughts/support/stories of convincing OH ... !

I don't think you should pressurise him. If you do he will only dig his heels in further. At 26 he is very young and I'm afraid I can understand his reluctance. I have a couple of friends who finally "persuaded" their partners that the time was right for a baby, but when reality hit (sleepless nights, the commitment required to look after a tiny baby etc) both partners took off for pastures new.

How much interest does your partner show in his daughter? If he doesn't take much interest I would heed the warning bells and back off. After all you do still have time on your side.

Thanks Bunbaker, last thing I want is to pressurise him as I know he had fatherhood thrust upon him with no real options (except perhaps the option to be a little bit more careful in the bedroom!!!) The whole experience was a pretty bad one from what I understand, but he tries hard now to maintain a decent relationship with ex.

He adores his DD and sees as much of her as ex will allow as well as supporting her financially. So I've no doubts that he will make a great dad to our children ... one day!

It's just difficult coming to terms with know I'll have to wait when I have this huge knot inside screaming to have children! I feel like a mad woman sometimes!

I have been with my OH since we were 27/28. To begin with, neither of us wanted marriage or kids. A few years into the relationship, I realised I did want kids after all. We broke up because we decided we wanted different things. A couple of weeks later he came back having had a long hard think about and said he did want kids after all but not for a few years. I waited. And waited. He was very much in the last chance saloon when he proposed last year. We got married quite quickly because I wasn't bothered about a wedding but knew we needed to crack on with kids as I was then 34. We had the holiday of a lifetime for our honeymoon, which was great, but in a malarial zone so we couldn't try to get pregnant immediately. We started trying properly in December/January (after having been pretty careless for a loooooooong time) and so far nada. I have just been to see the doc to get the ball rolling on investigations. I am now 35.

He is a great bloke but I am kicking myself for leaving it so late, particularly as I have an issue I have known about since my teens that might make things more difficult (PCOS).

So my view is that there is no point pressurising him too much (mine would have run a mile if I had tried) but you both need to be aware that the clock is ticking. As a 26 year old bloke, he probably has no awareness of that at all!

LittleWhiteHeart, I'm in a similar situation to you in that the time is right for me now (at 31) but not for DP (33), mainly for reasons to do with his career and his headspace around that. I'm about a year into 'negotiations' around the issue! There are a few of us here on MN in the same boat.

My question would be have you reached the agreement that you definitely want to have children together? That's obviously the first step. I'd agree with what others have said about not pressuring him on the timescale and being very wary of having a child with someone who's not committed to the idea. But in my opinion, as a couple who are committed to the future together, your fertility is a shared and unfortunately finite 'resource' so it is sensible to make your plans together based on the fact that biology and loss of fertility as you go into your 30s is one thing that you can't change, whereas there's lots of other things as a couple that you can change. I personally would like to see more men face up to this reality - I reckon if men's fertility declined in their 30s, or was linked to something obviously physical like baldness, then they'd get it, but you have to accept the biological difference is that he can have his kids when he's 65 if he wants, and so he's just not going to feel the same physical urgency as you.

For me, you can't 'convince' an OH, but you can get to the stage where he recognises your perspective and you're making decisions together based on a mutual idea of the future. That's what I'm aiming for, anyway.

Lastly, I know 30 feels like a big milestone but it's worth coming to realise that you've got a few years yet, so nothing's super-urgent, even if it feels like 'everyone else' is popping them out right now!

I see Quod has already welcomed you into the "can't convince him" club! I'm in the same position, there's a few of us. I'm 33 DH is 30, married for just short of two years. I've been broody since the wedding day. DH isn't keen. No advice, just bags of sympathy.