Has anyone thought about what they will do if it doesn't happen?

[Karbea]

I ask this because after quite a few months of trying i'm starting to think about this.

OH and I are currently viewing houses and our fav at the mo, is a lovely family home, perfect for a family, but part of me thinks why would we live there if we don't get pregnant.
I've been at the same company for 12years, but part of me is thinking... i'd like to move on... if we get pregnant i'd stay as my career wouldn't be my priority and it would hopefully be easy to go part time etc...

I kind of feel like... i'm waiting for a little line to either come or not come so that I know what to do with my life...

Do other people feel like this, or do you all think that it will happen... just not sure when??? xx

I think this every single day. I have my strategies in place. I know I want children, and I know I want them so badly I would do just about anything to make it happen. I've heard people say they'd walk away from the idea rather than go for IVF however I know it's something that, if I thought it would work, I would definitely try and definitely pay through the nose for. I also know that, if all else failed, I'd adopt.

It all depends on how you feel. Are you like me, so obsessed with having children that you'd do literally ANYTHING to make it happen, or are you more of the 'it would be nice, but if it didn't happen naturally, I could live with that' type?

Hello,

Thanks for replying.

I've wanted to be a mummy for a long long time now, my ex-H and I were trying before we split up, I was then single for a long time, and I must admit I'd gotten to the stage that I thought "maybe this isn't what god had planned for me" (I wouldn't do AI).
Then I met an amazing man, and we both want this more than anything in the world, but im 37 now, not 27...
I'm not 100% sure i'd do IVF as I sort of feel "everything happens for a reason", but I would definitely consider adoption, if they would consider us... but again that's an unknown... as maybe they wouldn't want us

karbea don't forget there's always adoption from other countries. I know this is something I would consider as, harsh as it sounds, I want a baby, not a toddler that's been exposed to its parents drink/drug problems for several years.

Everything DOES happen for a reason, but sometimes it needs a helping hand along. Rather than consider dismissing IVF, think of it this way, would you stop your child getting the MMR jab because everything happens for a reason?

Tanif I hadn't really thought about a baby from another country, is that really viable? I thought it was something Madonna etc can do, but not mere mortals!

Yes you are right about MMR... Umm...

Hey,

I think we are all waiting to some degree. I had my whole life planned - exactly when I wanted things to happen. Got the career and husband and house, but the baby is being elusive! 16 months down the line and still waiting.

But I think you can't put your life on hold. It'll drive you besurke (sp?) and life is for living. You really have to play with the hand you've been dealt. So try and enjoy where you are. Of course you need to make plans for hoping you'd have a family. We too are living in a very nice family home, just the two of us!

In regard to what happens next....I think I'd do everything we could to get a baby from me and DH. IVF for sure. But if that didn't work....I would need to think long and hard about adoption. Am trying not to think that far down the track...like giving up hope too soon.

So, yes I do think about what would happen, but I try not to dwell on it. I'm keeping the hope alive!

All the time! Although I could never prepare myself for this outcome, I have investigated what ivf is and I have even gone on to the uk adoption website. I am a year in and I may be jumping the gun a bit but I find this is a way to calm myself down a bit and think there are other options as I personally think my life would be very unfufilling without kids. Never wanted the big career and as much as I love DH , I don't want just the two of us rattling around the place.

I thought I'd come at this from a different angle but as someone who has felt exactly the same as you and has come out the other end. Sorry this may be long...

We too bought our 'dream family home', one we found when I was finally pg after ttc for 18 months. By the time we moved in I had had a mmc at 13 weeks. I had a second early mc after we had been in our new house for a year. We arrived at the decision to have ICSI a lot sooner than we expected as my fsh levels were rising. I think this is a decision that only you can decide upon. I have had friends who have decided against it but also known other people who have had between 5- 10 cycles and their lives became dominated by it. Personally, I can't link the link between choosing to have fertility treatment and the mmr jab but that's just me. I don't actually think it's an indication of how much you want a child as such, it's more complex than that.

I've posted before about knowing 'when to stop' fertility treatment. I knew I didn't want to be one of those people whose life was completely consumed by ivf/icsi cycles. As it happened, I had an early mc with our first cycle and complete non-fertilization of our eggs on cycle 2, which is practically unheard of with icsi. There were no obvious problems and we were told we could have a third cycle but it would be a very much 'guinea pig' type of run for them to see what the issue was with very likely the same result. At that moment, I knew we should stop.

Our lovely family home still had empty rooms and had turned into a sad place where lots of tears were cried. I had stayed in the same job as they had been very good with me having time off for treatment and I really wanted to go back to work there after I'd had a child. The longer this was going on, I just felt trapped there as I knew any other jobs I went for my headteacher would need to mention my time off.

BUT I had a very firm belief that if we never had children, and as you know you can't 'make' them happen no matter how hard you try or want it, that dh and I would still be ok. It wouldn't be the life that we'd hoped or the life I'd pictured in my head (we've been together now 21 years since late teens so had had a long long time just the two of us) but we would be ok. Our grand plan was to both give up our jobs and travel the world for a year together to get a bit of brain space and regroup.

However, in the end we decided to go down the adoption route. I'd like to refer to a point made earlier. Of course, in an ideal world, everyone wants a healthy baby but that's not always a reality even when you give birth. All I wanted was for us to be a family but of course, we wanted the child to be as young as possible. Initially we looked into inter-country adoption and even then when they are talking 'baby' you are still looking usually at 6/7 months plus. We ended up adopting in the UK and were incredibly lucky to adopt an eight month baby boy who has now been home two years and is the light of our lives.

Sorry I've started to ramble. You haven't been ttc that long even though I know it feels like it and I'm sure you will get your baby. But if that doesn't happen, you will still be alright. You will still be able to have a happy life with or without children. My life is now unrecognisable to that of two years ago. I went from working very hard as a teacher, gave up work on the Thursday, we met our ds on the Monday and he was home with us the following week. Eight months later we moved to the US and I'm a SAHM to ds. Obviously we don't have the comparison, but we cannot even imagine how we could love our ds more if he was a birth child.

Ramble over

Thanks all.

Harrypotter really interesting to hear your story

Oh that's good Karbea. After I posted I realised our story could be your worse nightmare. Good luck with ttc.

Lovely story, happypotter.

I have thought about this. I have never felt particularly maternal but a few years ago became very broody. My body very much wants kids, but I think if I had to live without them I would do so, although I do worry about old age being rather lonely. I think we will go as far as IVF/ICSI but not as far as adoption because my broodiness is very much my body's inner need for offspring, rathern than my head's wish to bring up children (if you see what I mean).

That's really interesting eurochick, I know exactly what you mean as I was the opposite :-) As much as I wanted a baby, I never felt that urge to be pregnant and give birth. To me, that was more a means to an end, especially after having mc's. Tbh, if I did by some miracle get pg now, it would be my greatest fear not my greatest happiness as the fear of another mc would be so great. I've heard people talking about giving birth as a rite of passage etc but I don't feel less of a woman because I've never given birth. However, I do feel a great sense of failure that I can't sustain a pregnancy. It's a really complex issue and everyone has their own 'end point', whatever that would be.

Harry potter I was really interested to read your story. I too think about what our end point might be. I've found I have constantly changed my perception of things as months have passed. We're in our big empty family home, and after 3.5 yrs just about to start 1st round of ivf. I never thought I would do this or be in this situation. For me its as much about what dh wants. I'd like to think I would be strong enough for adoption but not sure how I'd cope. How did u know u could do it? Any advice on how to make the decision? X

I will focus upon the dogs and get a horse I think, that way I will get to care/nurture/develop something still.

Happy I am glad life is so good now :)

Echo Weimy, if it doesn't happen I'll breed horses (already got two cats, dogs and horses - one of which is already in foal!)

Hiya, yes I've been the same. We rattle round in a 4 bed house just the two of us! Nearly didn't go for a seconded job because it's a year contract. Started ttc last Jan and got the job in September. Decided to carry on ttc and fortunately/unfortunately no bfp yet. We still make.decisions based on now/expecting to have kids: example, spare room has double bed for guests. Plan to make it nursery when baby arrives!
Only (ha!) been ttc for 17 cycles so on verge of Gp referring for tests. When we started we are anti-ivf. Now we'd try whatever we were offered to try to have a baby. If unsuccessful, would definitely go for adoption. But we shall see!

I've also come out the other side although I do have one child which I appreciate makes things slightly different. But having said that, the desire to have a baby isn't any less painful when it's a subsequent child you're hoping for and it doesn't happen.

We ttc for ds for thirteen months and tbh even then I thought it might not happen. We got to the point of going for tests and then decided that when the results came back we would give up. IVF wasn't for me, I've seen too many people become all-consumed by the process and I just couldn't put us through that.

Anyway I fell pg wiith my ds, and it was when he was about two that we decided to try for another baby. In fact it was six years ago in May that I came off the pill again to start ttc. I was more relaxed for the first year. After all these things can take time (and in all truth, they really do take time). But once we hadn't fallen pg after a year I became more anxious that things should happen. They didn't.

We had some tests and a problem was detected which meant that natural conception was highly unlikely. We discussed the possibility of IVF but I felt that it was like a rollercoster which, once you get on, it would be very hard to get off. I decided that I didn't want to go down that route - I didn't want the need for a baby to take over my life, and possibly destroy my relationship (divorce as a result of infertility is extremely common). So we decided to be thankful for the child we already have and live our lives to the full.

I always had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I would regret not having another baby, then last year I went away for a week and decided that I have to do something with my life, go back to work etc, and that tbh, the time of wanting more babies had passed.

And so I have moved on. realistically a nine year age gap now would just be too big. So we're the family that we are and I'm happy with that.

I think that adoption is something that of course could be considered. However I do think that people have a far too blasay attitude to adoption "we can always adopt" is a line I've heard frequently from people when they talk about not wanting to have children yet "well, if we can't have any we can always adopt." truth is, you can't always adopt. The process is extremely difficult, expensive, many people are never approved, and many, many people give up before reaching the end because of the sheer amount of stress involved. And that's before you consider the fact that approx 50% of adoptions break down. It really isn't for everyone and it certainly wasn't for me.

Yes, im living my "what if it doesnt happen" scenario now.

Been trying for 17 months, had 5 mcs and i have known for a long time, that it just isnt going to happen for us.

We have an 8 year old, we struggled to get him, but not as much as this.

He is a miracle, the light of our lives and he is our only.

I am looking for jobs, that move me up the ladder, we are enjoying life as the 3 of us with happy holidays, happy family days and as a small family.
We are grateful beyond measure for what we have.

I am now thinking of getting rid of the baby stuff that i carefully stored in the loft for "number 2" this is the final deed to confirm that it is all over.

At 40 i can now accept its all over.

Wow I didn't realise the stats of adoption were so shocking! My Mum's best friend couldn't have kids and she adopted. I have some insight into the process from.that and it worked out well. However, they looked to adopt again and in the end just couldn't jump through all the hoops again. I get what you're saying about it not being for everyone.

I wanted to refer to a couple of points raised by CareBear1 and wannaBe

I 100% agree with wannaBe that adoption is not for everyone. To put our situation into context, my dh and I went for our first introduction meeting run by our local LA just after Madonna had adopted her first child. The room was absolutely packed to the point that I had to sit on dh's lap. There must have been about 100 people crammed into the room and they were clearly unprepared for the amount of people. We later found out this can happen after a high profile, seemingly easy celebrity adoption. It took about three months of initial interviews and the LA sorted out two groups of 12 people to start in the same month. Out of the six couples that made up our prep group, just four ended up adopting. One couple were matched with a child the day after approval, another couple waited two years after approval.

The process is extremely draining, emotionally fraught and the home study really does take it out of you. It really is a very difficult time. I'm not sure how we worked out if we were strong enough to do it, but I do know that both dh and I were very clear with each other, that we would only adopt if the right child came along. The adoption services are very clear that adoption is to provide a child with a family, not provide us with a child, and that is absolutely the way it should be. However, as wannaBe said, many adoptions do break down and we needed to feel 100% sure that the decision was the right one and not one we had been 'encouraged' or 'pushed' towards. As it turned out, we were extremely lucky and found out about our ds after we had been approved three months, and at that point he was five months old. I believe that if we hadn't been matched with a child after about six months, we would have withdrawn ourselves from the adoption process, only because I had had enough of 'waiting'. Waiting to be pregnant, waiting to start icsi cycles, waiting to be approved, waiting to be matched. I would have been bloody sick of waiting. And as I said before, I knew that dh and I would have been happy just the two of us, with a different kind of life that the one I imagined we would have, we would just have a different kind of happiness.