Scared of trying (dodgy gynaecological history)

[NervousNerys]

Hello,

I'm a regular but for some reason don't want all these feelings associated with other posts, which I think might make me identifiable to people who know me.

DP and I both want children, though neither of us feels that it will be the end of the world if it doesn't happen (though who knows how it would actually pan out). He has wanted me to come off the pill for a long time, but I've been scared -- it felt to me that it was a momentous thing to do. However, the main reason I'm scared is that my gynaecological history has made me pessimistic about my body's ability to do this stuff right. I had a big dermoid ovarian cyst at 23, which was removed along with the ovary. Then I was diagnosed with a quite a few fibroids at about 30. They are all in the wall of the uterus (rather than protruding into it), or at least they were when they last looked. I'm 34 now so I know I should get on with it, but I just feel scared. Scared of an MC, scared of all the feelings that it will all bring. I think I am afraid of the lack of control, in some ways (though I know babies don't give you that!) At least what I have now is all known. When I had my surgery I was shocked that things were so wonky down there without me knowing. Everything else in my body is fine, but all the female parts seem to go wrong (I've had breast lump issues as well).

I don't know what I'm looking for really by posting this -- nobody can tell me it'll be OK and I know I just have to see what happens. But I don't think my DP understands quite how scared I am of some kind of reiteration of the fact that my female bits don't work. I know that the things I've suffered are very minor compared to lots of women, and that technically one ovary isn't a problem as long as it's healthy. I've just got no faith in it being OK. Half of me wants to go to the GP and ask what I should do, but I know they'll just tell me to see what happens.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who's had similar feelings. I'm terrified of opening a new chapter.

I think opening the TTC chapter can be terrifying regardless of your health issues (sorry to hear about those btw).

Looking at it from another angle, how do you think you might feel about it in 5 years time if you hadn't investigated the possibility of having children?

There's only one way to find out if your female bits do work. Do you think you can cope with not knowing, in the long run?

Thanks for the reply, Quodlibet. Your questions are really useful. No, I don't think I can not know -- I would definitely regret not trying. Once you put it like that it's very clear. I have made some quite big changes in my life before and always been quite calm about seeing them as an adventure, so I guess I need to take this in the same spirit.

I can understand how it must be very difficult to take that deep breath and jump off the cliff though! It is undoubtedly one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make. Can you distinguish whether it is just (!) the process of TTC you find scary, or the thought of having a child and how it will change your life? I for one find them both rather massive ishooos to get my head around and to distinguish between.

You will find loads of support on this board, there is a bunch of us 'waiting to TTC' and another lot 'dithering' for various reasons. I'm sure if you do run into gyno issues there'll also be lots of people here with specific help and advise and sympathetic ears too.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks again Quod (sorry, I couldn't get back here for a couple of days). I agree that TTC is a big decision, and I know my DP feels the same (he always said he'd be thrilled if I got pregnant by accident, to save us having to actually decide). I think the size of that decision is sometimes downplayed, because it's something so many people do, and from the outside it seems that it's almost a matter of course for women at a certain age/stage of life. I am definitely a bit anxious about having a child, partly because I have a very hard won academic career which is a bit precarious. Last night I was at a work dinner where a man was ranting about someone going on maternity leave, and I feel sad that I'm in a sexist environment which will make it more difficult.

All that being true, I do think that the source of the feelings in my OP is genuinely the process of TTC. The rest I feel I can cope with. The TTC thing is about my body, and being afraid of not being able to do it. I think I am quite scared of the feelings that might come if it doesn't work out.

I'll lurk on this board on the 'waiting to ttc' thread for a bit. I might have to take a deep breath and post in my usual name though, because namechanging every time I mention this is a bit impractical. Thanks for listening, I can't say how good it feels to actually write this down .

I can relate to everything you are saying.

I also despair about my ladybits. I have also had breast lump issues and gynae issues (v. heavy periods, PCOS). I also have a hard won career in a fairly sexist industry (law). Through my 20s I was adament I didn't want kids. On reflection, I wonder whether that was because I was scared I wouldn't be able to have them. I was diagnosed when it was assumed that PCOS would give you problems conceiving and not much was understood about the condition.

Around the age of 30, I started getting a little broody. My husband eventually came round to the idea too last year and now we are TTC. We both felt ready finally. The problem is I am now 35 and it hasn't happened quickly (I am on cycle 5 of TTC) so now I am worried that we have left it too late!

FWIW, my advice would be to just go for it. Particularly with some kind of gynae issue that might mean that it takes longer for you than it does for some. I think everyone finds it a little scary. And the saying that there will never be a right time is spot on. It would be better for me to wait until after my next promotion. But if I do that, I will be at least 37. The "good" thing about pregnancy is that you get nine months to get used to the idea of having a baby and to prepare yourself mentally.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thanks Eurochick, this is really useful. Your career perspectives ring very true for me and everything you're saying makes sense.

I think I just have to go for it too. Like you say, the time between starting ttc and having a child is 9 months minimum, and potentially very much longer. I really hope you get your BFP soon, good luck!