I want a baby so much

[Miffles]

That's it really. But I think my DH and family are fed up with me saying it. So I'll say it here instead. I want a baby so very very much. It hurts, I want to be pregnant so badly. I want to be able to know I'm growing my child. And then to hold a crying baby, knowing my DH and I created them. And we will love them so very very much.

I know it will be hard. And we'll be so tired. And my body and life will never be the same. I know my family wonder if I'll cope because I'm a bit of a control freak.

But I think I'll make a really good Mummy. I have had a good example. I have so much support. And I have so much love to give this baby. Now is the right time in my life for a baby.

I have studied and got a good job. I have got married and got a lovely home. I have done extra studies and practiced being an aunty.

And now I really want a baby.

Please.

I know 15 months isn't that long. I know the clomid can still work, even though I feel my period on its way again. I know IVF has a good success rate, which I'm sure will be the next step.

Please may I have a baby now?

I really hope you get there.

I totally get your feelings and hopes.

Sometimes it is good to hear positive stories, and other times it stings, so I have a positive one if you are up for it. I tried clomid, it didn't work, then I had two rounds of IVF. And yes, it can work - we got pregnant on the second try and now I am very lucky to have a wonderful DS. And nearly every day I look back to my days before him and feel amazed that he is here at all.

Best of luck x

Thank you. That has helped. It has made me smile through my tears. x

awwww Miffles :(
i am sure you'll get that baby eventually!

i can give you a couple of positive stories if you want to hear them?
one friend had been down the clomid route and had icsi, both unsuccessful. was then beginning IVF when she fell pregnant naturally. they have no idea what was causing the infertility or how it was overcome.
she has a 2.5 yr gap between her children, the second was also conceived naturally and just took his sweet time coming along

and I have another friend who has had 2 lots of IVF and got pregnant each time and has 2 lovely girls

so it can, and does, happen. so yes, you may have your baby :)

Miffles I have just finished clomid and am going to start IVF in the next month or two.

I totally get what you're saying. I don't know if anything can make it easier but just wanted to say hello, you're not alone and come and rant whenever you need to get anything off your chest.

I didn't have clomid, we went straight to IVF and I had two cycles, the first produced my fabulous son and the second produced my gorgeous little twins. I totally get wanting a baby NOW. I know this might not be a popular opinion, but perhaps it's worth considering finding a clinic with a good success enrage for your age group (it's all on the HFEA website) and throwing yourself into treatment as soon as possible. IVF is 3 weeks out of your life. You have to pay for it, but the likelihood is you'll also be paying for a higher live birth rate per cycle than you'd get for free on the NHS. We went to ARGC who reckoned I had a 70% chance of a baby per cycle so it's not the shot in the dark financially that it can seem. Very very best of luck. X

Thank you all for your kind responses. It certainly helps knowing there are other people out there who understand. My family are wonderful, but I don't think they (esp DH!) realise quite how much it all plays on my mind. So stressful!

It sounds like I'm a little bit behind you gardenpixie. I have an appt with the FC in a few months, when we'll get put forward to IVF, I think. Not sure of the process, but he said that if the clomid didn't work, it'd either be IVF or ICSI.

BagofHolly - it is certainly a consideration to go private. I know that I'm eligible for 2 rounds of IVF/ICSI under the NHS and that it should happen in a few months, so am happy to wait that little bit longer. But once I have a child, presumably I'd need to go private for the second one, so would save for that!

I hadn't come across the HFEA website before, so am about to have a good old nose around. I like information!!

Thank you again for your encouragement.

Flipping heck, BagsofHolly - I just had a look at HFEA and ARGC. Wow! What a difference with the stats for ARGC compared to my local clinic. Seems like twice as much chance of a live birth. Makes me stop and think. Not sure how happy DH would be to pay for that. And travelling to London too. The detailed stats do show ARGC have a higher than average miscarrage rate and much higher mulitple birth rate. Which isn't meant to be a good thing, although I wouldn't complain! I guess they transfer more embryos.

Whatever - I will go armed with more questions to my next FC appt!!

Can I ask...if I were to transfer privately, do you know if they'd accept all the NHS tests I've had done (which took MONTHS to get done!)? And you say it's only 3 weeks - is there lots of to-ing and fro-ing? I mean, am I likely to need to take 3 weeks of work? I've no idea at all how it all works. :)

Thanks.

hi miffles

iam so sorry to hear about your pain for a child,i can totaly understand what you are going through but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

me and dp were trying for 4 years for my ds and we had 4 m/c before we had him.i really thought that was us we would never have a baby and it hurts specily when close friends and family fall one by one after each other.
but finaly we did have a baby.
we have been trying for 3 years after the birth of my son we were sent to fertility clinic i was told i had pcos,then got told i may have blocked tubes which can't be fixed that was on the 8th feb this year,so we gave up trying and thought well if its not going to happen then we will set the date for our wedding which is in august this year but just when i gave up trying like when i gave up trying before my ds i got a bfp 2 weeks ago.iam very happy but worried at the same time as this is my first bfp since my ds 4 years ago and scared it could be taken away.

i just wanted to post and say it can happen,and i really hope you get what you want xxx

Hi Miffles, I'm so glad you found that website useful! It's illuminating, isn't it?! ARGC seem to be the last ditch saloon for a lot of people - they've often tried and failed elsewhere, and have complex gynae histories. That makes the success rate all the more remarkable but also goes towards accounting for the slightly higher mc rate. Their live birth rate per cycle is still higher than most other places, and most importantly they treat a huge number of women so their figures are replicable - it's not that they're just having a good year.
They also treat a LOT of rpt mc ladies and they continue treatment well into the pregnancy - it doesn't all end at a BFP. it's expensive, and v full on, but they get their patients to motherhood much faster than many other clinics - in the case of the clinic you're using as a comparitor, twice as fast! Food for thought eh?! V v v best of luck, have hope!

Miffles just on your qu about private and NHS using the same tests etc, I had all my tests done privately and my clomid has all been done privately; but then when we found out we were eligible for NHS funding for IVF / ICSI we decided to go down that route.

So far, it seems the NHS and private tests are all pretty similar (I think the private blood tests on me were slightly more in depth) so I'm sure they'll be able to use some of your NHS results even if they want to complement them with a few additional tests. The big thing seems to be how much time has elapsed - I was told anything older than 6 months needs to be re-done (which makes sense I guess)

One thing the GP told us is that if you have had IVF / ICSI done privately, you no longer qualify for NHS funding so that's why we decided to wait for the NHS route as we could have moved faster if we went private but then would not have any NHS funding at all if we needed.

We were also told that if IVF works for us first time round (FX!) we could pay for any unused embryos (again, FX we get enough for one round, let alone more than that!) to be stored and then, if we want more kids, we just need to pay for frozen transfers which is way cheaper than paying for a fresh round of down reg and stimulating drugs.

Sorry for long ramble, just thought it might be of interest!

Oh, and yesterday, I saw a client I haven't seen since she got married 8 months ago. And yes, she is now 8 months pg. I wish her well but did have a quiet growl under my breath at my own inability to make babies!

all round

If it's any consolation at all, it took me 12 months to get a pregnancy which stuck around - and I am finding motherhood easy. I didn't go in to it blinkered and my son is an absolute joy whom I desperately wanted. He will know all his life how much he was wanted and how much his mum & dad prayed every month this would be it. I've read of other people whose patience is perhaps not so great but because I feel so blessed... I'm going to dissolve in a post of my own goo - but I hope you got my drift!

Best of luck with all the IVF.x

Miffles I hope the Clomid does the trick for you.

Just wanted to say that I used to work in AC (NHS) and our IVF/ICSI stats didn't look as good as some. But we treated lots of "difficult" cases and our age cutoff was much higher which obviously brought our numbers down.

Not sure how much of that sort of info is available now as this was a few years ago but it's just something to think about. Some units have a blanket rejection for candidates over 40, or with a BMI over 30, for example, whereas others, like the one I worked at, go on a more individual basis (eg our guideline BMI cutoff was 35 but we treated certain patients who were over this and our guideline age limit was 45 but I remember a couple of ladies who were 46-47).

Best of luck xxxx

Miffles, if I could give you one I would. I'm sorry you are feeling this sadness. You sound like you'll make a wonderful mummy.

I hope it happens for you soon.

Wow - more thoughtful messages and kindness. :) Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and stories.

Am on round 5 of clomid and this time I've doubled my own dose....naughty I know! Was only on 50mg, so thought double or nothing!!

Gardenpixe - good thought on not doing private if you want to do NHS. Gina - I hope I don't have to wait 4 years, but it shows there's always hope!

Broached the IVF subject last night with DH (not mentioning anything about private care, just it in general). He wasn't impressed. Said he'd not thought about it yet, as we're not there. We're still on the earlier part of the journey. Does anyone else feel that, although their DH is supportive, he's really not as into the whole conceiving thing?

Miffles it took my DH much longer to get his head around thinking about IVF than it did for me. I think I'm just naturally more inclined to think about different options and plan ahead whereas he's more about "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

I knew that an IVF referral would take a while so I wanted to get the ball rolling before I finished my 6 cycles of clomid; I thought then at least, if clomid didn't work, we'd have something in place without having to wait for months.

DH struggled with the idea of IVF because he didn't want me to have to go through the physical side of it all but once he realised I'd rather do that than miss out on a potential chance for a little person, he's become much more supportive. I think he also didn't want to admit that clomid might not work for us; but I didn't feel I was jinxing it by lining up IVF, just taking the pressure off in case it didn't work.

I hope you and your DH won't need to go down the IVF route but if you do, I'm sure he'll come round to it all.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that clomid works its magic for you before you need to consider all of that