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Conception

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Original poster

Why are you having a/nother baby?

20 replies

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 09:40

I know its a personal question and I understand a lot of people won't want to answer.

The reason I started this thread is because I want another child, for no more reason than wanting one. Dh says this isn't a very good explanation as we already have 3 (girl, boy, boy). Would be lovely to have another girl but my sons are fantastic and my daughter is stroppy - ho hum.

It's not easy to explain simple broodiness (to my dh anyway)

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Bumpsadaisie · 01/04/2011 09:52

I was just very broody from about when DD was 15 months. She is now 22 months and I am 11 weeks with DC2.

I've had a rough first trimester and ironically enough all the broodiness has gone now and I mainly just feel terror at the thought of having two! I know I'll feel better once Ive had the scans, if everything is OK, and as I get into the second trimester though.

Original poster

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 10:07

Aaah thanks bumps. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it :( - I was like that when pregnant with ds2, exhausted and sick and questioning whether I/we had done the right thing, also had a couple of early labour threats and needed steroids...
He's 9m now and worth everything I went through and more!

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spidookly · 01/04/2011 10:10

"The reason I started this thread is because I want another child, for no more reason than wanting one."

What other reason is there?

"ironically enough all the broodiness has gone now "

That's not irony, that's biology! :o

Original poster

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 10:23

Spidookly I'm so glad you asked that because thats precisely what I said to dh!

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raspberrytipple · 01/04/2011 10:30

Well, as human beings we are designed to want to have babies otherwise no one would try or have babies then we would be doomed - DOOMED I say!!!! Kinda need to imagine that said with a Brian Blessed Voice ...... DOOOOMMMMMEEEDDDD.

Anyway, I have no babies yet but I simply just 'want' one too, it's completely understandable and normal. I don't think men get the same type of 'want', they might like the idea of being a dad and doing dad type things and passing on their genes etc but for women its a really deep, emotional 'i have to have a baby' type want and I feel at the moment that my life is missing a part of me if that makes sense because I haven't been able to produce one. I've struggled to explain it to DP to be honest, he just wants a baby so he can pass on his infinite wisdom to someone who wont have any choice but to listen to him. Poor baby!

spidookly · 01/04/2011 10:31

Presumably that's why you had the other 3?

He is being very silly.

There are practical reasons for not having children, but not for having them. You have them because you want to.

You should come up with some really practical ideas for a laugh, like "well if we had one more we would have enough for a string quartet"

"it's very important that the number of children in your family is a composite number" and make up some reason why that might be true - something to do with social dynamics

That's what I'd do.

spidookly · 01/04/2011 10:32

"he just wants a baby so he can pass on his infinite wisdom to someone who wont have any choice but to listen to him. "

He's in for a surprise! (but he'll find that out for himself in good time :))

asuwere · 01/04/2011 10:43

I understand your DH's frustration as I've had this the other way round with DH - he wants another one and I keep asking him why! His answer is always "I just want another one!" :)

Bumpsadaisie · 01/04/2011 11:09

Spidookly - "that's biology"! Very true!

I've tried telling poor old DH that the reason I don't want him anywhere near me in the first trimester is that I am already pregnant and from an evolutionary persepective I am signalling that he is wasting his time trying to impregnate me again when he should really be off impregnating some other female!

Not that he is allowed to do this of course! Poor old DH I do feel for him. One minute you have an affectionate loving relationship, the next your wife is throwing up constantly, sleeping whenever she can and cant stand to have you closer than 0.5 metres.

Original poster

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 11:11

@ string quartet! I was going for the 5-a-side footie team with dh as goalie and me as ref

Mostly [boringly] I just want my little ds2 to have a sibling his own/similar age to grow up with as dd and ds1 are 5 and 6 and although they adore their baby brother, it's clear they bore eaily with him as he can't play out, on ps3, wii, cries a lot, smells a lot....

Aah well, time is limited, if I don't drill- this into-- explain clearly to dh about my need, he will be starting on methotrexate medication and this carries a high risk of fetal anomalies and birth defects - and so no more babies after that...

asuwere - thank you for posting, it's good to hear it from the 'other side' too. In your opinion do you think I am being unreasonable? Honestly (I don't mind if you're brutal ) x

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Original poster

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 11:13

Bumpadaisie - I read your first paragraph like , then read your next one and went

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Original poster

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 12:44

Anyone else? :)

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minipie · 01/04/2011 12:52

TBH I don't think there is any logical reason for having a baby (in fact from logical perspectives it's kind of a crazy thing to do, life would be so much easier without DC!)

The only real reason for having a child is because you want one.

I guess the real question I would ask if I were your DH is... well what happens if you want a 5th? or a 6th? Gotta stop somewhere!

Original poster

CherryPie3 · 01/04/2011 13:31

Minipie - you're right. You have to stop somewhere. Think odnlike to stop at 4 children :)

I like even numbers, I feel ds2 is left out and that makes me sad because I want him to have someone to play with.

If I can successfully talk to dh about it there would absolutely be no more babies because he needs this medication. I was hoping to perhaps ttc before he started it.

I have to talk to dh. Properly. Tonight.
I'm going to get myself in a state otherwise :(. I'll be devastated if he still gives me a blank look.

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Scrummybumb · 02/04/2011 16:05

You might be interested in this....
blogs.helsinki.fi/rotkirch/files/2009/03/paper-6-rotkirch-2007.pdf

It took me 6 months to convince DH starting a family was a good idea. Got the whole 'why have you changed your mind' response from him. Now he can't wait! It seems the longer it's taking us to conceive, the more excited he is getting, so hang in there and keep talking.

Being a bloke, is he worried about money or other practical stuff? That seems to be a blocker for loads of guys. Maybe you need to approach it from that angle, just be sure you've got your solutions ready...I wish you good luck!

Original poster

CherryPie3 · 02/04/2011 16:55

Thank you scrummy, I attempted 'the talk' last night but to no avail :(
All I got from his was "you know we're not having anymore children" double :(

I'm scared that if I keep trying that he's going to get really cross with me - I should be able to talk to him without worrying about his moodswings!

I haven't got very long to try and convince him as it's only about 2 (maybe 3 at the most) months til he'll start the new meds.

It's amazing how consuming even the idea of ttc is!
I so so wish my dh could be excited for another baby. I know he is definitely worried about money and especially space. He wants to part ex our good sized 3bed house for a small 2.5 bed new build . Now it might just be me but that doesn't seem very sensible! He wants a showhouse-standard home and although I try hard we still have 'child clutter' all over. I like to think my house is more clean, happy and lived in than perfect.

How are you supposed to compromise without making the other miserable?

I'm on my iPhone at the minute so can't read thy blog but will check it out tonight - thanks :)

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Scrummybumb · 02/04/2011 17:25

((((hugs)))) tough....

Maybe you could try and write to him? That way he won't feel so pressured face to face. maybe writing it down would help you too? Or could you use a mediator, such as either of your parents, or better still someone that has less emotive interest? It's amazing how much we won't actually listen when we feel threatened (rationally or not). If you tell him he can take his time to mull it over, but obviously for not too long, then it's not such immediate pressure either. And you should defo be able to talk about it, that's what being married is all about

Your house home sounds just perfect! I so hope we'll get lucky with our TTC journey and I can change my super tidy house to a kids clutter paradise!

Original poster

CherryPie3 · 03/04/2011 09:42

Some really good ideas there Scrummy, thanks a million :)

I wish you all the luck in the world on your ttc journey! There's nothing quite like it! :)

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Original poster

CherryPie3 · 03/04/2011 10:48

Have just read the entire link that you posted Scrummy, and I have to say that I'm keen to see the 'further research' mentioned for the decision making processs with cautious men and baby-feverish women.

It may hold some answers for my broodiness and what to do about it.

Thank you very much for posting that - wherever did you find it?

xxx

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Scrummybumb · 04/04/2011 20:33

My pleasure!

It was mentioned in Red, on their April issue. They quite often have articles relating to conception plans, like would you pay for a baby (cost if IVF), how old is too old etc, and being one to seek knowledge I always follow up on the research they reference. If you google the author, you'll find that she is in Oxford doing further research onto this. I've been in two minds of whether to contact her....It really hit a nerve with me!

Thanks for your well wishes. We've been trying for 6 months now, and I suspect we haven't been lucky this time either, although still living in hope. But at least we are trying and as I chart, use OPK's etc I know we're doing everything we can and at least on the face of it, we both seem ok (plus I've run a little home lab with every bit of home testing kit going ). And we've got a trip to the GP if AF does arrive this month to see if there is anything else we can do should their tests show that all is not well. But as getting to this point seemed like such a long journey, I'm trying not to stress too much and enjoy the TTC ride. Easier said that done sometimes, but hey, I'm only human

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