I feel like I'm TTC singlehandedly

[runningtostandstill]

DP and I have one son - just turned 4. Initially we only wanted the one (DP has 2 from previous marriage) then 2 years ago we decided we would stop using contraception and if I fell pregnant, then great. Now this a lovely plan if you are in your 20s. I am 39, DP is 49, I am not going to fall pregnant like that. Sadly.

I now REALLY would love to have another child and I feel a lot of pressure - our ages and DS getting older, big age gap etc but DP just doesn't seem to get this. I have asked him whether he wants another child and he says yes but I know he does not want one in the same way I do.

Each month (I am now the proud owner of a cbfm) there seems to be a problem come O day - he works shifts so often there is late finish/early start or he is tired/feeling poorly or DS is poorly or we have sex and - TMI warning - he doesn't actually come inside me. I can feel the anxiety building in me each month as I think 'are we actually going to have sex on the right days this time' and I feel so resentful when, yet again, we miss the window.

I am sure DP knows how I feel but I don't want to keep going on about it as it is such a passion killer. How can I make him realise that, at our age, it ain't just gonna happen unless we put in a bit of effort - eg. have sex on the right days even if it is a bit inconvenient, or whatever? Without making the whole ttc thang totally joyless!!

Sorry rant over. It is so hard to talk about these things in RL though.

Hello running still, didn't want you to go unanswered!

It is hard when sex just becomes about making a baby, we put so much pressure on ourselves, especially at 'that' time of the month then if for some reason we miss the window of opportunity, it's almost devastating. Not sure what I can suggest as only you and DP know what will work for you but we always find that we try to keep regular sex just for fun and not focussed purely on BDing days. Although that said, DP really has no clue how small a window it is. My CBFM said two days ago I was at peak fertility and DP assumed that meant we had at least a week so said, 'oh we'll have a good go at the weekend'. I could have screamed at him. Luckily, we'd done it over the weekend but even with telling he genuinely doesn't get that once that egg comes out there is only probably at the most 24hrs before it's too late! Perhaps your DP is the same and doesn't really understand?

Could you work out in advance roughly when you might start to get fertile/ovulate then plan a romantic night or two around that time so that when you get down to it 'TTC' does not need to be on your mind? Hope you work things out though, I have found that men are largely quite useless with these sorts of things so they need a fair bit of gentle guiding!

No, I don't think my DP gets it either, fair enough, I mean before this bout of TTC I was pretty clueless too. But I don't want to spell things out too much as that will make it even more unromantic. I suppose much more sex is the answer - then it won't seem so obvious - but what with one thing and another we can go a while without even having spent the evening together, let alone got down to any (re)productive sex. Tonight he doesn't finish work til 1am so I will have to lie in wait for him in bed and pounce on him where he comes to bed. Sad to say but I would never bother doing that unless it was 'that' time so it just feels so false and obvious.

Hello,

I had a similar problem with my hubby, until one month where I broke down, cried, got angry at him and explained everything. Then he actually seemed to listen, read the CBFM manual and actually did a bit of research online. Now I don't feel like I am constantly nagging, or being the one that has to initiate everything and struggle to get him in the mood when I am anything but.

Could you sit him down and have an honest conversation about all the nitty gritty stuff and how stressful all this TTC can be if you feel alone?

Jules