When to stop trying.......................

[beebee]

Hi, am new to mumsnet and have not posted before although i have looked at a few of the ttc threads for advice etc.

I am 38 and have wanted another baby (DS is now nearly 5) for about 2 years, but for ages DH didn't want any more - he is 44 and already has 2 older children (17 and 12) from previous relationship.

Eventually managed to persuade DH to go for it and we have been ttc since Jan this year. I was convinced i would get pregnant immediately but it didn't happen! DH then kept changing his mind but i kept at it and tried all the ideas - bd'ing every other day mid-cycle, using wee-sticks etc etc and it still hasn't happened.

I had really wanted to have another baby before DS started school (have now missed that deadline as that happened last week!) and over the last 8 months have kept moving the goalposts, giving myself just another month to see if it would work. Each month has been an emotional rollercoaster - when will i ov, excitement - am i pregnant, real low when i discover i'm not, then start to plan again........ I'm now feeling like i've had enough and that i can't keep this up indefinately...way too exhausting!

Last month, finally promised myself that this month would be my last attempt, didn't want a huge age gap between children, needed to move on with life regardless etc but really went for it again.......then convinced myself i was definately pregnant this time - got all the signs etc.....and today - surprise, surprise, period came right on time!

I now feel really confused again - should we keep ttc, should i give up, concentrate on children we already have and let DH 'get his life back', if we carry on - how long do we keep doing this for, will i feel broody forever and would that stop even if i had another baby? So many questions..........any answers please...........

Hi beebee,I tried for two years for my dd,now nearly 12yrs,so know the heartache.We then tried for another from when she was one year old,gave up on fertility treatment whenshe was four and thought we might as well be grateful for the healthy lovely daughter we had.It was and extrememy stressful time and a sort of relief to give up trying.I am now 41 and out of the blue had a ds a year ago.He is so precious too us and we feel very lucky to have him.try to relax and don't worry too much about the age gap,I would thoroughly recommend a big gap as my dd is brilliant with my ds and he adores her.

Bee Bee, have you spoken to your Doctor? Also have you done temp charting as can give a really good insight into your cycle and possible reasons for this. Jan was only 8 months ago and I know it must feel like forever but they say it takes a year to conceive a baby on average. 2 ladies in my street took 18 months and had their third baby rather quickly after that. I must be very disheartnening but I bet this adds to the tension and why it might feel as though its taking alittle longer!! Second babies seem to take ages to get! I would defo see your Doctor for some advice if you have done wee sticks etc.. They can test your hormones and partners sperm and if they find nothing you know to relax a bit and it will happen. You have shown you cna conceive already! Don't give up though, loads on here have given it their all for 1 or 2 or even 3 years, some more. I suppose it;s all down to when you feel enough is ebough for you and your DP/H. Lots of luck and hope you get to see your Doc and they might forward you to a consultant for some guidance!

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beebee, sorry to hear your difficulties in ttc. We had just about decided to give up (for various reasons) before I recently found out I was pregnant, and I was comfortable with that decision. It doesn't sound like you want to give up. As quackers says, it is typical to take a year to conceive especially if you (like me) are slightly "older", and it did take us a year. It's difficult, but try not to set yourself any deadlines (e.g. having a July baby) because of the subsequent disappointment, carry on using your wee sticks or try Persona, and hopefully it will happen soon. Bset of luck.

Sorry to hear your difficulties, but 8 months isn't really so long (although I know it feels it, I remember very clearly). It took me about 13 months to conceive the first time (unfortunately I m/c at 7 weeks); then just over a year again following that before DD was finally concieved - she is now 17 months old.

Why not have a chat with your doctor? He/she may be able to make you feel more psoitive about your choices and of what to do next. Good luck!

Had similar prob.Try not to think about it to much as I did and went through a 5 month phantom preg and was shocked as I'd never heard of this before.In the end took a months course of st johns wort and my periods suddenly became regular and about 3 months later was pregnant with daughter.Don't worry about age gap was trying since son2 and had misscarriage first then took till he was 6 yrs old and kids get on like house on fire.They argue like any siblings but have a lot less resentment etc between them and love each other to death.
8 months really isn't that long but if periods all over place maybe st johns wort will work I hope so.Good luck

8 months isn't very long. Maybe if you relaxed, stopped 'trying' and planning and using the ovulation predictors (which studies have shown don't actually improve conception rates) and just got on with life without contraception it might help psychologically if not physically. 38 really isn't very old at all - your fertility should still be fine - and I think a big age gap has lots of advantages. Your child will be less jealous and more able to help you. BTW, other studies have shown that women can conceive any day of their cycle. My friend got p/g the day after her period ended, so just do it regularly all the time, which your dh probably won't complain about!

Forget to add - I actually fell pregnant with DD after I had stopped actively trying. I had gotten a new job in fact. Found out I was pregnant in school holidays and had to go in on first week to see new headteacher to tell him my news. Luckily he was happy with it all. So, hard as it may be, you do have to try and relax a bit and then it may well just happen like it did for me.

It took us 9 months to conceive ds2. I too was getting fairly desperate. We conceived ds1 at the first go - which was a bit of a shock to the system! 8 months isn't really that long - though it seems it, I know!

Good luck for next month - that's when we struck lucky!

Bee Bee, we tried for 18 months before getting medical advice. After seeing my gp, I started fertility treatment and was pg 2nd month. I wish I had gone to my gp sooner, I had so many disappointing months beforehand. My advice is to see your gp if you are worried about why you're not conceiving. As everyone else has said, 8 months isnt really that long so give yourself a chance. Good luck.

Thankyou to everyone for helpful replies and understanding. Haven't yet talked to doc, until now didn't really want to think there might be a problem although i have been a bit worried about change in periods over last few months and whether that was having anything to do with it. Also thought that seeing doc would not help with the relaxing bit and make it into more of a bigger deal - but you are all so right about needing to relax and i know i have increasingly been becoming a bit obsessed about the whole thing. Its so hard to not think about it - especially when it has felt so important that it happens soon. The pressure has really come from dh not really wanting any more children and although he had agreed to try and has appeared ok about the more sex bit, he has had that 'rabbit in headlights' look about him! Now saying that he will try next month but that has to be the end of it, so pressure is most definately still on........sorry, should have posted this on relationships thread!

I have made appt with doc and will check all ok with me anyway...........