Am I Being Selfish? Advice Needed

[responsibleme]

Hello, 1st time on Mumsnet, but really need to ask a question.
I am 39 and after the unexpected end of my relationship (he left to be with someone aged 19)find myself without marriage or children. I have been responsible my whole life believing that although not essential, a family with two caring/commited parents would be the ideal way to bring a child into the world and now find myself wanting children soon, but am still without partner.
My dilema being: -
1, Wait a few years in the hope that I may still acheive my dream(but may not)with the real threat that the longer I wait the less fertility I have.
2, Consider sperm donation (though the thought of single parent/procedure/selection scares me silly.
3, Consider freezing my eggs for a few years so that it may still be possible to have children by 45 (the max age I feel appropriate for me to have children). I quite liked this idea, but looking on various websites, it seems that many think this very un-ethical with many clinics refusing to offer the procedure.

My Question Being: -
Is this treatment selfish/unfair/un-ethical? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have no idea what I should do for the best. Seems i'm paying a price for being responsible.
Help - need advice!!

Hi,
I'm in no position to offer advice really (28yrs old, TTC no.1) but didnt want you to go unanswered. In my opinion, if you feel that you are ready to be a mum, and that you are in a position to support a child emotionally, financially etc then why not go down the sperm donation route? If you just leave things and wait for Mr Right it may happen - but then it may not, and even if it does, as you know, you could still end up a single mum (which isnt the end of the world anyway, from what I've seen).
Do you think you could cope on your own with a child? Do you have supportive family and friends that would help you?
I do not think that it would be selfish to bring a child into the world with no present father, better than a lot of situations I've seen kids born into. As long as your child is loved and looked after he/she will be fine.
I have no idea what you should do, but I know what I would do. I was once told that people (with a few exceptions I'm sure!) do not regret having kids, only not having them...

Hi responsible, sounds like a very tough situation. So sorry you're having to go through this.

I'm not sure exactly what the ethical arguments surrounding egg freezing are, but (from a quick google) I understand that one of the concerns is that it does not have a high rate of success and that medical professionals do not want to encourage women to put off child bearing with false promises. With respect to that concern I don't see why you shouldn't undergo the procedure, provided you are able to finance it, and that you are aware that it might not work.

I think that if I were in your situation I would probably do sperm donation now and also freeze my eggs in case I met someone in the next few years. However, I've always been certain that I want children, and think that I would be able to give a child a good, happy, fulfilled life (with the help of extended family).

Provided you have a stable life, I don't think you should worry about being selfish or unfair. My mother raised me alone (due to the death of my father when I was 4) and I had a very happy childhood. I had many cousins, and uncles and aunts who were happy to invest in me and who were and still are very much part of my support network and family.

On the other hand, if you wait, you might get lucky and have suddenly have a family of 4 by the time you 43! I guess you also have to think about whether you would be able to be out there, finding a partner, while you have a small baby.

Do you have a support network? How seriously have you looked into the various options? Can you see yourself being happy without children? xx

Every decision to procreate is ultimately a selfish one.

I quite like the old saw "the last selfish decision you get to make".

I agree with greengrassy that the ethics of egg freezing are not about whether it would be ethical for you to try it. The suggestion to try it and also consider sperm donation is a good one, I think. It covers all your bases.

Obviously I can't know for sure what I would do in your situation. Like you I think it is beneficial for children, where possible, to be raised by two loving parents.

But I don't think if there aren't two parents it would be better not to be born. And I think if I were faced with possible childlessness or going it alone, that I would attempt single parenthood with donor sperm.

Best of luck with coming to a decision :)

Hi

I totally understand what you are going through. I too am single and i cannot risk waiting no long to meet Mr. Right and potentially leave it too late. I have my whole life to meet someone or not but I don not have the rest of my life to be a mum. I want to have children when i am young enough to enjoy them.

I am 32 and I am very independant, I have a good stable good and I am finally able to support a child. I have very supportive family and friends and I have been battling with my decision for over 5 years.

I have finally decided to take action and I am currently TTC via artifiical insemination with a sperm donor. It has been a rocky road and I have had councilling following a bout of depression and i have been to see a very negative doctor and a fantastic doctor.

I am currently waiting for the result of my third cycle of inseminations.

This is a very shortened version of my story and I have found though experience that the more people you talk to the more support you recieve and the easier the whole process becomes. If you would like to ask any questions or you would like to point you in the direction of any of the websites or forums that have helped then please do not hesitate to ask.

All the support and luck in the world

A fellow potential single mum bu choice

Hi, I am sorry to hear things have not worked out for you. I think you are very brave and far from selfish! I have used a website called Pride Angel in the past, which deals specifically with egg and sperm donors. You can look through Profiles of people willing to donate and also put your own profile up saying you are interesed in a donor. Another thing to consider is Co-parenting? You can also get some information on co-parenting on the site too. You may also need to consider the legal implications, the site has a legal section too. From a personal point of view I think a child that is loved would be ok regardless of one or two parents. You should not feel selfish, you have a biological need to fulfill, it is natural that you would want a child. I suggest you just research your options thoroughly and go with what feels the most comfortable with you. take a look at Pride Angel, the website link is www.prideangel.com Let us know how you get on. Take care and best wishes Dawn xx

Hi again

I have used prideangel but another site I have found really helpful is www.co-parent.net if you look at the site pop into the chat room you'll probably find me there along with a few others that are really helpful. This site has helped me enourmously.

xx