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Conception

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Original poster

I appreciate this may be the wrong forum to say this, but....

19 replies

AllTheYoungDoods · 14/03/2011 14:58

If I hear of one more close friend getting pregnant. Or even one more distant friend or relative getting pregnant.

Or I have to cuddle one more gorgeous newborn.

Or one more person sends me excessively cute newborn photos. Or scan photos. Especially scan photos of their second (especially the second conceived in the time it took us to fail to conceive our first)

I may spontaneously combust.

That is all.

OP posts:
celynbear · 14/03/2011 15:16

ditto. It completely amazes me that everyone i know seems to get pregnant without even trying, or has their second, while i still haven't even managed one. Contemplating getting rid of my facebook account seeing as every other thing on my news feed is a scan photo, or a newborn announcement, or a pregnancy announcement, or a "look how cute ffion is in her st davids day dress" photo. Aaaargh! Envy
you're definitely not on your own!

Original poster
AllTheYoungDoods · 14/03/2011 15:21

The distant friends I could cope with. But of my 5 closest female friends, 2 are pregnant, and 2 have given birth in the last 8 weeks. (and the other one I haven't seen for a while, so frankly she could be too!) I CANNOT avoid it. And I'm fairly certain we started trying before ALL of them.

Have tried snot-filled wailing. and gin. Screaming is next.

OP posts:
joycep · 14/03/2011 16:02

You're not alone at all. There are plenty of people on here in the same boat. I have started making up excuses as to why I can't meet with close friends and sister in laws. I sound like an awful friend but I feel such a failure when i talk to them, not to mention worried and jealous, I would just prefer to keep out of their lives for the time being. MOstly because they know we're struggling yet it doesn't stop them from going on and on about things. Pregzillas don't seem to have empathy. Emails and texts are difficult to ignore but I've come off facebook which certainly contributes to misery and that feeling of being left behind.

froufroufox · 14/03/2011 16:46

I empathise totally.It's an awful thing to admit,but it's only reading other people's postings saying just this which has kept me from thinking i was totally abnormal having these feelings.My partner,lovely though he is,just does not get it,he so angry at my inability to be happy for all and sundry recently.So you have my sympathy.I also refuse to feel guilty about how i feel.Im sorry,but it is beyond me to feel joy and happiness for others when the reality is that I am too old and have too few eggs left and realistically we have more chance of winning the lottery han actually having a family together...

owlbooty · 14/03/2011 17:00

This is EXACTLY the right forum to say that. Not everyone gets upduffed at the drop of a pair of pants. :)

Gin is good, btw.

IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 14/03/2011 17:16

Yup - I'm totally with you. Had a bit of a whinge-fest myself yesterday on here about feeling so left behind, while others are popping out babies left, right & centre. The things that rile me the most are those pathetic copy & paste facebook statuses you know the ones - "my body isnt perfect but thats because I've grown a baby inside" Or today is completely-made-up-proud mums day, paste this in your status if you're a proud mum" etc etc Angry

plumtrees · 14/03/2011 18:06

Thank God for this message!

I am in exactly the same boat and can't take any more.

I feel totally miserable and am sick of EVERYTHING.

Why do we get cursed not just with the inability to conceive but to make it that much more painful we're plopped among a group of friends that have all got pregnant or are currently pregnant long after we started trying. Envy

Had bad news last week and it's been confirmed that we'll never conceive naturally. I finally had the strength to email one my closest (and of course pregnant) friends only to get a reply saying - "gosh that's a lot to digest, I don't have time to reply at the moment, far too busy!" NICE! - Don't worry about me falling to pieces, you get back to me when you have time!!!! Angry

It's all just too horribly painful :(

Original poster
AllTheYoungDoods · 14/03/2011 18:27

plum that's awful, and really hurtful of your friend. So sorry.

Bloody facebook makes it all worse doesn't it? I have some friends whose family live abroad, so it's entirely reasonable that they post pictures of their sickeningly gorgeous new baby and ridiculously glam lifestyle. But a horrible little part of me was thinking 'you didn't sound that perky the last time I spoke to you, you sounded a bit knackered and resentful actually, so all that posturing that a baby hasn't changed your city lifestyle isn't so convincing....'

And an even worse bit of me was thinking 'I don't live in some perfect designer pad with an amazing corporate job. I live in a ramshackle old house in the sticks currently full of empty bedrooms, and I have hounds so I'm used to be covered in mud and sick Grin, so surely it would make more sense if I had a baby'

That is a long long way from rational thought. I'm aware of this.

OP posts:
IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 14/03/2011 18:31

That is an awful reply Plumtrees :( some people can be so insensitve Angry I hope you have some supportive friends & family who do have time! x

IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 14/03/2011 18:37

I think what makes it worse is seeing couple who have been together all of two minuites announcing that they're having a baby and then casually asking "so are you and DH's name" thinking of having a baby?" One of these days I will give an honest reply - "as a matter of fact, we're wa-a-a-y beyond thinking, in fact we've been trying well before you two even knew each other existed! instead of a polite "we'll see"!

Original poster
AllTheYoungDoods · 14/03/2011 18:39

Yes, I'm running out of answers. I'm way to private a person to admit we're trying, but I'm sure people are starting to guess from our flustered responses to the 'so when are you two having kids'.

WHEN is that an acceptable question, seriously, WHEN?

OP posts:
plumtrees · 14/03/2011 18:43

Thank you.

It has been a horrible few days but I'm very lucky that several of my family are being fantastic.

I too removed myself from facebook due to all the sickening pregnancy announcements but also felt like an outcast, so just deleted the people who sickened me the mose Grin

I find I try so damned hard not to be the "bitter friend who can't have a baby" that I end up hurting myself more by putting myself in torturous situations with new mums, babies and pregnant friends so I'm trying to stop that now.

We are due to start ICSI in April and I'm absolutely terrified. People seem to think I should be excited about it but I'm just so scared that I'll go through all that trauma and then have to suffer horrific disappointment if it doesn't work and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through that. Pathetic I know Blush

PinkFondantFancy · 14/03/2011 20:26

plum you poor thing, your friend's reply is horrible! I think feeling like you're being left behind is very understandable and very common - there's lots of people on the conception threads that are feeling exactly the same as you.

When people asked DH and I if we are going to have kids, in the end we stopped being polite and just said "we're working on it but it's not exactly straightforward". They've asked the stupid question and embarrassed me, so I decided in the end that there is no reason why I should feel bad about making them feel uncomfortable in return.

I really hope the ICSI goes well. You're definitely not being pathetic.

froufroufox · 15/03/2011 08:05

Plumtrees,I too made the decision to remove myself from the situations you describe,and personally it feels completely reasonable to do so,this is the aspect that my partner cannot deal with.I just refuse to feel bad about it.I am having having counselling but tbh it really isn't helping me cope with other people's pregnancies or babies.It's helping me accept we may never have one and that our life together is jst as valid and meaningful,bt i can't face other's who have what we can't have.So you are not alone I promise.x

NinjaChipmunk · 16/03/2011 12:48

sorry to hear you all feel like this, please feel free to join our thread feck off with your babydust here

sparksagainstsky · 16/03/2011 18:28

You are definitely not alone, I know exactly how you feel. It is just bloody unfair.
What an awful reply from your friend plum. I am in a similar situation, recently found out that DP's sperm is not up to much at all and that added to my low ovarian reserve means ICSI/IVF is the only chance. I am terrified too and irrationally angry. We are supposed to be getting married soon but in all good faith I don't think I could cope with a childless relationship with him. Sorry if that isn't a helpful thing to say. Just feeling very sad and very tired.

froufroufox · 17/03/2011 08:49

SaS - That's a really sad and hard situation you are in,have you thought about having counselling to try and work out yr feelings coherently? For me it's different,the whole reason i want a family is because i am with my wonderful DP,ithere would be no desire to have a child if i wasn't with him.One of the things i talk about with my counsellor is how guilty and useless i feel about not being able to give him a child,i was almost paralysed with fear that he would eventually leave me because of this.He is younger than me,im the one who is infertile,and we all know the desire to have a child can be overwhelming.I really hope you can work through it all.

HuwEdwards · 17/03/2011 08:55

We couldn't conceive naturally, tried for years , but I have an overactive pituitary gland, so was always unlikely.

DD1 is 10 now.

ICSI didn't work for us - and would you believe a malfunction at the hospital caused all my eggs to perish first time round with IVF...but then we went on to success.

Fuck me it was hard, but a distant memory now as I'm hopeful it will be for you one day.

laughinglemons · 17/03/2011 12:03

I am with you ladies. 35, been married for 3 years /(DH is approx 10 years older than me and doesn't have any children) we are desperate and have been trying for nearly 18 months - but people (even people we know only have one and wanted more) keep suggesting to us that we have a family and how great it is. they must be stupid. DH has only 6% normal sperm (rest adnormal) so who knows.

It is good to know we aren't alone - I owe at least two friends with 2 babes each a call but I cna't bear to tell them that I still not pregnant.

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