How do you stop? (Sad)

[FarawayWe]

We have had 10 unsuccessful IVF attempts with ICSI, the last of which ended with a missed abortion, one year ago. We decided to stop.

Then recently a friend forwarded me an article about a new techinque called IVM which looked like a new chance. I made an appointment with the specialist. In the mean time I had an idea: why not ask about IUI? No one had ever suggested it, probably because IVF/ICSI was supposed to be the more high tech treatment.

Well, today we had our consultation. And what a huge wake up call it was. We don't qualify for IVM, and he point blank refused to try IUI. What shocked me though was the realisation - and it's crazy that it never ocurred to me like this before - that we really are a hopeless case. Chlamydia in our history (high risk of damaged tubes), poor sperm quality, endometriosis and an unexplained failure of implantation.

Basically the reason there is no point in trying IUI is that 1. the eggs are probably not making it down my fallopian tubes, 2. the sperm probably woudn't be able to get to the egg and 3. any fertilised egg would probably fail to implant.

What I really want to do is ACCEPT that this is never going to happen, I am never going to have a baby and there will never be a child made of DH and me.

How can I get my mind into a state of acceptance? Please, any ideas and any suggestions would be very gratefully received.

I'm sorry for just barging in on this discussion group and then posting this mega long message but as I explained, we had decided to walk away from it all, but now I'm just overwhelmed by the failure and disapointment of it all.

Don't know the answer sorry. But thought you shouldn't go unanswered.

Me too {sad]

Am sad for you, again another poster with no real advice, just wishes.

Would you consider adoption, not quite the same I appreciate (wanting to make something which is you and your dh), but still an opportunity to be wonderful parents to another child?

Thank you, JJH. We do have a wonderful darling 5-year-old adopted daughter. For some stupid reason that I don't understand, this doesn't take away the pain of never being able to just be pregnant, give birth and to "have" a human being made of DH and me. Maybe I'm just too self-centered and should get over myself.

I am really sad for you. I agree that adoption could be an option maybe but if you want a baby that is half you, half DH, would you consider surrogacy? X

Hello Faraway, just wanting to add my good wishes. It's the hardest thing in the world for you. Everyone here can understand the biological need to have your own child, no matter how much you love and are about your daughter. Are there any counselling services in your area?

Again, all the best to you and your family.

Big hug here, you are in a heartbreaking situation. I agree with squirt - would you consider surrogacy as a possible way to have a child which is genetically yours?

for you Faraway I do completely sympathise.
When we were told of the seemingly insurmountable problems in TTC, Dh and I found what helped was to focus on all the positives of our childless lives, and to imagine our future life, without a child.
We were very fortunate and unexpectedly and miraculously got pregnant with DD 4 years ago.

4 years on ... we went down the ICSI route to try and give DD a sibling. We set our limit at 3 cycles. During the 2ww of my 3rd cycle, I began to bleed and accepted it was the arrival of my period.
DH and I talked for ages that night, and again we focused on the positives of our lives and started to imagine our future life with only one child, and how we would prepare DD for being an only child.
That really helped us come to terms with it.

I've no idea if the same tactic will help you, but I just wanted to share.

Does your fertility clinic offer a counselling service?

Thank you thank you thank you for the messages. Surrogacy is probably the only thing that might work for us but it seems fraught with emotional, financial and practical complications. I don't feel up to starting down that path.

TooTired: immensely helpful comments, ta muchly indeed. Unsurprisingly, this whole situation has put a lot of strain on our marriage (much of it just in terms of weight on my mind) and I have long felt the need to reconnect with DH and to get us back to being happy together. I think I have taken the easy way out and just resented him for being involved in this sorry state of affairs - in other words, I think I blame(d) him.

Work work work. It all needs work. Need to find the energy to do something about all this. Counselling, yes, but I think I would want to do it away from the fertility scene. Again, something at me baulks at spending even more money on this problem.

Mumsnet enormously beneficial! Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I will feel that I can do without counselling.

Hi Faraway, it is so unfair that so many hurdles seem to have been put in your way in your quest to become pregnant, i know how you feel I have endometriosis, possible damaged tubes, Ashermans Syndrome, and chromosomal issues with any baby that is conceived.

The only thing I can say is that if you don't feel ready to give up then carry on the battle. I am guessing that the fact you've been looking into IVM and IUI that you are still ready to fight.

Where abouts in the country are you based? If you are near London then I would consider possibly seeing either MR Trew at 92 Harley street, one of the top doctors in the country, Mr Gorgy for full immune testing, which could explain why the embryos are failing to implant, or have you considered doing a cycle of IVf at ARGC?

Hi Helen,

My DH says the same thing, only he put it as "you still have hope". I've gone off the word "hope" completely so that was not a good thing to hear! Poor DH.

Actually, oddly, the specialist we saw today ended ordering a whole barrage of blood tests (all done today) which completely caught me off guard. He mentioned some immune issues that could be factors so I think we might be closer to finding answers.

Maybe.

Yes, I want to keep fighting. But not at all costs. We are in Belgium. Here, insurance covers 6 attempts. After that, you start paying full costs, which is 3,000 euro per attempt. When it never works, of course you start to question whether you should really be spending this money on something else.

Faraway - I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

I can't offer much practical help myself re. getting your mind in to a state of acceptance, but I seem to remember that theres a group on the fertility friends website who discuss just this point - I think its called 'moving on - deciding and accepting' or something like that. Might be a greater number of people going through similar there.

Heading over to see the Fertility Friends website now. Thanks for the tip.

Faraway - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through most of what you have too, and am happy to discuss privately if you'd like - feel free to PM me.

What I would say is that having been given all of the information you have today, you are in no position to reach a state of acceptance overnight. It seems to me that you've been given some fairly brutal information and had a massive self-realisation on top of that, so its no wonder you're distressed and wondering how to move on from here. Give it time, at least a few weeks of kicking the information round and discussing it with your partner, see how you feel then.

I personally think the key to being able to have some sort of closure on ceasing IVF/ICSI treatments is being able to know that you did all you could, given the circumstances. Different people will reach this point at different times, financial and physical constraints kick in for everyone at some stage. I went through the same thought process about a year ago, and spoke to an incredibly helpful Mumsnetter in turn, who helped me see the wood for the trees in a manner of speaking.

But, in all honesty, I think you're being very hard on yourself in trying to reach acceptance today. Give it 6 weeks and see how you feel.

Onlyaphase, I know... you're right. I sometimes feel like I should know all this stuff (about the information/realisation) as we have been trying since 2003. I just want it all to be over, no more "reviewing" no more "maybe" just NO.

I'll give it six weeks. Then I'll give it 10 years and then it will definitely be all over. I am 38.

I was in my early 20s when we started. We went from "you're young, you have a great chance", to "once you turn 37 the statistics are not encouraging". And it's still the same me!

Yes that section of fertilty friends can be really helpful.
I read your post a while ago and haven't been able to stop thinking about it, even though I don't have any great advice.
Before we started ICSI, due similar reasons to yourself, I worried that I wouldn't know when enough would be enough and I hoped that we'd be strong enough to recognise when the time was right to stop.
During our second cycle, we failed to have any eggs fertilize at all, which apparently with ICSI is very rare. We were told that we could have another cycle but they warned us that it would be more of a 'fact finding' exercise for them, as our eggs and sperm all looked fine in the dish.

As soon as they said that, I knew that was the end. My dh kept asking if I was sure but there was nothing that would have persuaded me to try again.

In the end, we adopted a baby boy, and adoption, as you know, has it's own issues.
I've never regretted the decision to stop treatment. We moved to the US last year and where we live has some fantastic hospitals for fertility treatment, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had some 'what if?' thoughts. The group of mums I've met since I've been here are all having their second babies or are pregnant with them and I have felt that sadness again that I will not carry our own child.
Sorry, I've started to waffle. I think what I'm trying to say is don't worry, sometimes the 'knowing when to stop' time comes from nowhere, and you will know when that time is.

Wow happypotter. I so admire you. Yes, I think acceptance can come from two places - one by working at it and focusing on the good things about life (many) and the other by just waiting patiently for peace to descend. It's too tempting to blame everything else - maybe the lab made a mistake, maybe it's really DH's fault, maybe we'll fluke it and the next attempt will have everything in the right place. At one point the best thing to do is just... stop.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It is a perspective I had never seen/read before and incredibly courageous from my perspective.

farawayme I don't think you're being self-centred, wanting to have a child of your own is such a strong instinct.

Happypotter's post makes sense though.

Sorry, Farawaywe (not had much sleep!)

I have never posted here before but had to say how sorry I am. I know you said adoption did not cease the longing, howeverm my parents tried for 10 years to have a baby before they adopted me. To me they are my birth parents just as I am their birth daughter. My Mum is 86 now and it did take her a long time to come to terms with her loss but she did. She has always been my best friend and is to this day.

I know its easy to say but think about counselling and try to look for a new direction. If not adoption consider fostering. I work in that field and there are some truly amazing children just waiting, for someone like you with a heart full of love. I know foster carers whos lives have been transformed by looking after some very special children.

You may feel lost at the moment but you will find direction again x

Faraway I didn't want to read and not post. I think you really need to be satisfied that you have gone to every length you can afford (financially and emotionally) before you can accept your situationa dn move on. Have you considered a donor embryo transfer? It may be a step further than you are willing to take, especially as you mention having you and your husband's own bio child, but it may be worth exploring that option.

I found a helpful site you may wish to read here. There are lots of links to other blogs and websites dealing with being child free not through choice. The author wrote Silent Sorority, which is a book you may wish to read, which deals with life after infertility.

Best of luck to you, and I'm so sorry you have been dealt this cruel hand.

Hello again from FarawayWe feeling much better today! Have been working on all the excellent advice and fuelled by the sympathy and support from this thread. A million times thanks for your posts. Silent Sorority is a real eye-opener. Yes, I will think about counselling and Slipperandpjsmum, your post means so much! I hope my daughter will grow up to feel as you do about your Mum.

Can't thank you all enough.

Sorry to hear your story.

How about hypnotherapy? It's very powerful and has worked wonders for me (for a couple of other unrelated problems). It will help you to let go and is far easier and faster than willpower.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

x

Good to hear from you Faraway. I like the fact the Silent Sorority website has lots of help for whatever stage of infertility you are currently in. Keep us posted won't you.