The green eyed monster rears its ugly head....

[LaraMi]

Ladies

I feel utterly evil writing this but I need help...

My sister just announced she's pregnant. A week ago a colleague did (which was bad enough) and before that a friend (even worse). But my sister announcing she's pregnant feels like the last straw.

Of course I'm happy for her. Of course I want her to give birth to a healthy baby and I wish her nothing but the best but deep down (or maybe not even that deep), I feel envious as hell. It seems that all around me people are conceiving and I just can't....

I need to banish the green-eyed monster.

I was nothing but happy for her when I spoke to her and would never tell her my true emotions but I feel awful. I am sorry if I sound bitter, twisted and evil, but am just being honest.

Am I too mean a person to ever be blessed with pregnancy....??

No you are not mean, just human

anyone in your shoes would feel like this

will your sister understand and be sensitive? If not then I would give her a wide berth for a bit

your feelings are natural and I really feel for you

Poor Lara :(. The sister thing is the worst isn't it, especially when overexcited grandparents who think you are as overexcited as them are involved. I think the thing to accept is that you will be jealous and there's nothing you can do about it. Obviously you have to try hard to deal with it through whatever means you can and if that means lying low for a bit, then so be it. Keep posting here.

Thanks gobehind - She's been very sensitive but it doesn't make me feel better as she knows how long we've been trying.

I might have to give her a wide berth for a bit. I just don't think I can conceal my feelings face to face.

I found it so hard last week when my colleague told me she was pregnant. It was even worse with our friend prior to that - for that friend, her baby's due the same time my baby (that I went on to miscarry!) was supposed to be due. To make it worse I was expected to look joyous and deal with their smug pregnancy-ness as they ate tea and cake in MY HOUSE!!

Gahhh, ggggrrrrr, arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Thanks Aries (we typed our messages at the same time).

Sisters are the hardest and certainly this is something men don't understand.

Grandparents were def the worst - especially as this will be the first grandchild in the family. And even worse that my sister is younger than me (sorry if I sound super evil and bitter - I know it shouldn't make a difference). And then to hear that my great grandparents were in floods of tears with joy just made me want to puke (with uncontrollable evil rage). Now the whole family is going to be discussing how exciting it all is and the unborn child will be the jewel in everyone's crown. First scans will be followed by first kicks, first labours, first cries, first "mamas", first steps and so it continues....

And in the meantime I am here desperately taking every vitamin, conception-boosting pill etc known to man while POAS (ovulation stick) every darned morning, taking my temp at every available frequency, eating low GI, avoiding caffeine and booze etc etc. The more everyone tells me to relax, the more I want to scream, shout and break everything in sight! Plus my sister was one of those that had been trying and then "fell pregnant" when she stopped trying. I know there's a lesson to be learned there for me but it's easier said than done. If I try not to think about babymaking while I'm babymaking, it will make more tense and less likely to conceive.

fcking, bllsht damned boll0x!!!!!!

Lara, you are me! Sister younger blah blah, PFB grandson blah blah, "it's your turn next" blah blah. My sister took three months and had a "lucky month" because she has PCOS. Apparently. She hasn't had any kind of investigations or scans so I don't know why she thinks she has it. The parents are now much better since I have started changing the subject every time they start gabbling about Nephew. However, the good thing is, I absolutely adore him and love spending time with him as an aunt (possibly this has something to do with the fact that I have only seen him four times ). It's the pregnancy thing which is the hardest. You'll be the same I expect.

Are you trying too Aries? (Dumb-arse question in hindsight otherwise why the bloody hell would you be wasting your time on this site haha!)

The thing that made me want to smash the phone was when she said "you're going to be aunty"! I don't want to be a frigging aunty - I want to be a mother! I can already envisage myself being the nice kind aunty that all the kids go and spend their time with as she has "no kids of her own". The aunty that has all the nieces and nephews pictures on her fridge and their photos in her wallet - the closest thing she'll ever get to having a child of her own. The aunty that babysits and has sleepovers. And then at every family occasion there will be whispers about why I don't have one yet, the fact that I'm getting on and surely we should be trying...

Or even worse, as my husband slowly discovers that I am really an evil witch underneath (as he sees me being more and more bitter) he will fall quickly out of love with me and I will be left, not only with a hoard of nieces and nephews for company but also a house full of cats too (FYI I don't have any cats but I'll have to get them to fit the image).

And yes Aries my sister also has PCOS. As do I. Which makes it all the more frustrating cos if I want to ever get pregnant I have a mountain to climb. Plus statistically, it's hard for us both to just "fall pregnant" so perhaps then I will be the one that has to try, try and try and fail, fail and fail.

Hi! Sorry you are feeling this way. You probably don't want to read my post but I just wanted to tell it from the other side as it were.
I am the sister. Pregnant first month of trying after my sister had been trying unsuccessfully for 3yrs. I worried for weeks about what to say and how to say it. I wondered whether just not to tell her. Told my parents and felt almost heartbroken that after just one minute of congrats, it was on to worrying about how sis would take it.

Anyway, I just told her and she was happy for me but clearly upset. She told me she would need to keep her distance etc which was really hard as I would love to have shared it all with her.

I must say that although my parents fawned over DS, they never did it in her company and I know they were very aware of anything which would have seemed like they were rubbing her face in it.

Hopefully your parents will be the same. Perhaps you could speak to your mum in advance. Tell her it's going to be difficult for you and that of course ou expect her to be very excited but could she just contain it when she's with you.

Good luck.

I have a cat! I am a mad cat loving barren aunt who will give Nephew a pound coin when I see him. I'm doomed, doomed, I tells thee...

You know how I avoid family gossip? I don't go to family functions. It helps if you live 200 miles from your nearest family like I do.

Lara, you sound suitably bitter and twisted enough to join the BESH coven. I hereby issue you with an invitation and given that I am about the longest standing member I am well within my rights! BESH, by the way, stands for Barren Evil Selfish Hag.
Here's the thread. Please come on over.

Thanks Wellibob. Unfortunately my family isn't that sensitive. I apologise for such politically incorrect ranting but it's that or go and have an argument with my husband...!

Lovely post WelliBob :)

Aries - OMG there is only one direction to travel with you... DOWNHILL!!

Hahahahahahaha!!

OMG - please don't say I'm barren yet! Can I just think I'm barren while everyone around me reassures me that I'm not?!!

I am so desperate to channel my procreation energies that I even suggested to my husband that we should breed our female dog! (I kid you not). As if a litter of puppies might kill that maternal instinct and satisfy me that at least one being in our household can do as mother nature intended!

I did live 200 miles from my family until my mother moved to London (3 miles away to be precise) six months ago to prepare for grandmotherhood. Now even she will have those instincts satisfied with her soon to be grandchild!

What also got me mad is that my sister didn't know how long she wants to take off for maternity leave - I have that sorted in my head. Our finances are sorted. I know which 4 wheel drive I want to buy. I have even carpeted the spare room in preparation for its imaginary transformation into a nursery! What a bloody joke! I will come to your thread I think!

Don't worry about the word barren! It's used in an ironic way. All of them end up pregnant sooner or later. Lots of them are going through/have gone through AC and a few notables have had BFP on the very eve of their first fertility appointment.

Oh don't apologise, Lara! You need to let it out. I imagine struggling to conceive to be a little like grief. It's always there and there's simply no getting away from it.

I have since lost both my parents and although my sister did finally fall pregnant after 7yrs of TTC, I know she still carries the sadness of never being able to share it with them. And I know that a part of her cannot forgive me for that, however irrational it is. But then, emotions are never rational so you must feel free to let it out somewhere.

I will leave you to it and I apologise if I jumped in. Good luck with everything.

Good luck to you too Wellibob and sorry to hear about your parents - my dad died too last year and the sense of loss makes happy family times tinged with pain.

Hopefully we will all soon have lovely babies to carry on our family genes for generations to come!

Aries - I will come to your thread... I am a perfect candidate... Bitter, twisted and for now, barren! Until Mother Nature complies, I will rant, rave, curse my sister and try to breed my poor dog!

And why is it too that men don't stress about these things. Until he realised it wasn't that straightforward, my dear husband simply said "cool" when I announced the news about my sister. He's since had his dinner, ha a shower, is having a beer and laughing hysterically as he watches Scrubs (while I type frantically).

Oh Lara - that is exactly how I felt when I was having fertility problems. For some reason people are spectacularly insensitive about it! I can't think of any other problem where people would still expect you to be happy and interested in the face of your own disappointment. I had friends who went on and on...and on during their pregancies, to the point where I felt I couldn't even cheer myself up by socialising because all everyone seemed to be talking about was babies!

I can honestly say that despite dealing with other more 'obvious' problems in the past it was the most depressed and isolated I've ever felt...so don't feel like you are evil or even abnormal. It is perfectly natural to feel as you do, and I am sure there are lots of ladies on here who have been through the same and had the same feelings.

Don't know if you've already looked, but the Fertility Friends website is great for making you feel like you are not the only one struggling.

Hi Lara - you're just reacting normally, it's just tough feeling feelings that all your life you've told yourself are wrong. But they are natural and you've got to get them out, so well done for sharing them here.

Totally agree with Aries that it's a shitty situation to be in.

Rufous completely agree with you that TTC and watching everyone else have their moment is the loneliest and most isolating experience imaginable.

Been TTC for 3 1/2 years, and last year ended up so bitter that I had a list of the 38 (FFS..38..) people DH and I knew (colleagues, friends, family) etc that were expecting. The only way I could rationalise it was by burying my head in the sand. I was furious ( to admit that now) that some people were pregnant when it was clearly my turn and not theirs. I stopped answering the phone, stopped going out and binned off facebook bcs I was sick and tired of hearing about it.

So, no your not being evil, your being normal.

And no - you're not too mean to have a baby -and no DH won't stop loving you when he sees how much this is upsetting you.

Spoil yourself rotten for a bit if you can, and I agree it's total bollocks, feck and arse. I really hope you get some good news soon.

(BTW - don't start a list - it just made me more gloomy in the long run!) Can even a laugh a bit about it now - don't know how!

Wow. I thought it was just me who harboured all these unattractive, but deeply honest thoughts!

My younger sister was not only married twice before I got married, but also had the first baby and is pregnant with her second. On every counts she has got there first. First baby was a boy, second is a girl.

My grief around each stage has been palpable, and my inability to lie about how I feel has created problems. However, I refuse to pretend that I am super-happy when I am just envious as hell.

I cried for about 2 days when she told me she was pregnant first time. For about half a day when she told me she was pregnant with the second - and even more when I found out it was a girl.

She is such a smug bitch about it all - that makes it all much more difficult and she kind of waggles her bump in my face.

Someone also said to me, "Isn't it great you are going to be an Auntie". To which my response was "I don't want to be a fucking Auntie. I wanted to be a mother. I certainly didn't want to be an Aunt before I was Mum. Gettit"????

... and rant over

It feels like a breath of fresh air reading your emails - thank you Doris, Aries, Blakkat and Rufous. Just to make me feel utterly great before bedtime, my sister sent me a scan photo of baby last night - she doesn't understand, I just don't care. Well perhaps I do care, but not in the way she wants me to care - I am livid!

I too deep down hope she has a boy (of course I'd do anything for a baby of either gender!!). If she turns around and says she's having a girl first I'll go nuts... And I know it will happen because it's Sod's effing Law.

To make it worse she's a high flier and going for a promotion as we speak - a promotion that would take effect while she'd be on maternity. Again, due to aforementioned Law of Sod, of course she'll get it.

Now I can't bear to share my frustrations / fury (!) at not getting pregnant with anyone because it feels like there is a conspiracy going on and the minute I share anything with them, they will turn around a few weeks later and give me that annoying sympathetic smile before announcing that they too are expecting.

My sister asked me this morning how work is and whether I can focus on that as a distraction. I wanted to smack her - don't ask me how bloody work is. I don't care about work. Right now nothing matters apart from the fact that you are pregnant and I want to get pregnant. Work is wholly insignificant - it means nothing.

Now I am trying to rationalise the whole thing totally irrationally - latest thoughts this morning were a) well at least my baby will be younger for longer (nonsense I know!!!!), b) at least I'll be off work later (also rubbish!) and c)at least my baby will be more wanted as he / she will have taken longer to conceive (also mad I know!)

The other thing she said that made me think murderous thoughts were "of course I know how you're feeling, no one understands more than me".

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Yeah my sister told me she 'knew how I was feeling'.

I told her to fuck off as there was no way she could know how I was feeling for the following reasons.

1. She is not 35. She is 2 years younger than me.
2. She has one kid already.
3. She is living where we grew up (where I would would love to be living.)
4. She's thin (childish I know)
5. She conceived within 2 months of coming off the pill both times.
6. She never was even fucking maternal. I have wanted kids for over 10 years.
7. She is not me.
8. She's pregnant. I'm not.

Lara you have my sympathies x

Doris - equally childishly, my sister is also thin, career-minded and successful (and also two years younger). And I also bet my bottom dollar that after she's given birth she won't even need to bother going back to work. I however have been saving my pennies for maternity leave for the past three years.... (She gets full salary for a year). I know that is all wholly irrelevant but back to my original point, why the hell is it that the only thing I want and can't get, she got within two minutes flat.... I've happily accepted that she's thinner and more successful but can't I at least just have this?!
ps - she's not maternal either - prior to getting pregnant she'd be the first person you'd find in the pub on a Friday night and would be there all the way til Sunday. I was convinced her liver would get pickled.

I feel a bit like I'm stepping into the lions den here but ...

However hard it might be, please don't let this ruin your relationship with your sister. I have always been great friends with my older sister, and recently had to tell her that I was pregnant, despite suspecting she had been ttc for a while. Not only did I inadvertently choose to tell her the day after her best friend shared the same news, I also had to tell her I was expecting twins.

I don't know what it felt like from her side as I'm not on that side. I suspect she probably felt as angry and sad as you guys. But I really didn't do this to hurt her and I would do anything to be able to help her conceive. Unfortunately I can't do anything practical, and it is even hard to support her emotionally as I don't know if I am just making things worse by being around.

I think I should butt out and let you rant. But on a non-ranty day, remember that your sister almost certainly didn't do this to hurt you and she still wants to be your sister. She also has the dilemma every day of whether to tell you about your nephews and neices or whether to keep out of your hair. I don't know which to do, but at the moment I am involving my sister in their lives because I think whatever the outcome of her ttc, she'll regret not knowing these little people while they're tiny if I avoid her. I might be wrong, and I just hope she'll be able to tell me if I am as I really don't want to hurt her.

If the ranting helps, rant. But please don't let it ruin your relationship with your sister or her children.

The thing is HappyAsASandboy I don't disagree with you on any level at all.

I know my sister didn't deliberately conceive just to piss me off, but there are things she has done since then which have been designed to show me just what I am missing.

However, you are right. You don't really know what it feels like to be the older sister who hasn't been able to conceive. It is hard. Harder than I would ever have thought and trying to manage those emotions of anger, frustration and deep, deep sadness whilst also trying to be happy (or at least pretend to be happy) for my sister is pretty challenging.

The other hard thing is that it isn't just like the jealousy is a one-off experience. Every time I see my nephew, and soon to be niece, I not only think about how much I love them, but also about what I don't have.

It's not nice and it's not pretty, but it is how is and it is honest.