Advice about dithering post MC?

[Mitsouko]

Hi, this is my first post, real sorry so long...

MN was really helpful when I had a MMC last November. I found out that the baby had died when I went for my 12 week scan. About a week afterwards, I began to bleed heavily...spent twelve hours in A&E hemorrhaging and then two nights in Mayday hospital recovering from blood loss and infection. I thought it was a complete MC due to the amount of blood loss, but no...the whole thing took about 3 weeks in total to work itself out and left me exhausted and traumatised.

My period came back shortly after the MC bleeding finished in mid December and my DH and I started trying again straight away. No luck so far, but it's only been 2 cycles so I'm not too concerned. I've been charting for awhile (used FAM for contraception before TTC) so pretty familiar with my cycles. Fortunately, they're quite regular, about 27-30 days usually, and I appear to ovulate each month. I'm 36, though, so fertile days may be numbered.

I'm now considering whether or not to take a break from TTC for a couple cycles. My DH and I have a long awaited holiday coming up in March. I'm feeling really stressed about the possibility of another MC while away. It was bad enough at home, I can't imagine having to endure that abroad. Plus, selfish as it sounds, I'd really love to just be able to relax on my holiday...enjoy a few cocktails, the sauna and hot tub at the hotel, be able to stay out late without being knackered and nauseous all the time (I found early pregnancy difficult and it really impacted my energy levels, emotions and the morning sickness was pretty crap).

I do want to be a mum, more than anything, but just feel so traumatised from the MC. Just want to go away on hols and escape the stress and worry for a bit. Really wish I was 5 years younger (stupid!), so I could have a little more time to heal without feeling like I might be blowing my chances for motherhood. I know that many women who are 35+ have successful pregnancies, but also that quite a few do not.

Surely, dithering is a bad idea due to age, previous MC, and the possibility of another MC? The Dr that looked after me in hospital said the chances of pregnancy loss where about 1 in 3 for women 35-40. I shouldn't really be dragging my heels, should I? Every month counts, right?

Plus, I'm due to ovulate on Valentines Day, and don't really fancy going back to condoms again.

Any advice really appreciated, as I'm really in two minds about all this and don't know what to do. If I wasn't going away in March I'd just carry on with the TTC, and hope for the best. It's really just the fear of something going wrong again that has me dithering.

Hi, I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time, you sound drained from it all. In reality this is down to personal decision, but if I were in your shoes I'd wait a couple of months, enjoy my holiday and then start trying again.

Think about how long you were trying before you got pregnant this time, if it was a long time then maybe I would start trying again now knowing it was likely to take a while again. But I would have thought conception would be more likely if you are in a more relaxed state of mind.

All the very best whatever you decide.

Hi Mitsouku
So sorry to hear about your experience. I have been through something similar - a MMC in August which passed naturally but was a real trauma with heavy blood and clots and 2 days in hospital. Then, unfortunately another miscarriage at the end of the year. That time I had the ERPC to get it over and done with, which, for me, was a much better way of dealing with things. I'm 39 and feeling the time pressure.
Anyway I've just been away to USA for work for a week and it was just the best thing to put it all behind me. Really relaxing and rejuvinating.
So, great that you have a holiday coming up, I hope it does for you what it did for me. As for trying or not, well I completely know how you're feeling. But why not just see how you feel once you get there rather than try and decide in advance? You may find that just being somewhere different is all you need to feel a bit more chilled about things.

Good luck!

Oh, SillyCalamari, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience as well, that's just awful, especially to MC twice in such a short period of time. I'm glad your holiday did you some good. I'm really looking forward to getting away myself.

I've basically got to decide whether or not to use contraception this week; I'm due to ovulate around Valentine's day (day 14 for me) and usually start having fertility signs / EWCM from about day 10 or so.

If I were lucky enough to conceive this cycle, then I'd be about 5 weeks along when I left for my holiday. maybe that wouldn't be so bad? I was advised to have an earlier scan next time around, but I don't think that's a possibility until 7 weeks...so it's not like I would be getting any crushing news right before leaving. What I'm the most afraid of is a MC abroad, though I suppose that it would be (physically at least) easier than the one I had in November at 14 weeks (though the baby only grew to about 10 they said).

I'm prepared to go through it all again, if necessary. I know that it's something that lots of women have to endure when deciding to try for a family, especially in their late 30's and 40's. I'm just so nervous about the possibility of it happening away from home.

I know it's a personal decision that no one else can make, but it's helpful to hear some thoughts, so thank you so much. I'm the indecisive type anyway, even with little things!

Well a few things - although it happened to me - chances are that you won't miscarry next time. Feeling relaxed about this is easier said than done of course!
And if it were to happen at 5 weeks (so 3 weeks after conception) it would be nothing as heavy as you experienced it last time. Don't they say that many women at that stage don't even realise they've miscarried (a 'chemical miscarriage'), it's so much like a period?
Also, it sounds like we both had a pretty extreme version of a miscarriage even at 14/ 12 weeks, my understanding is that it doesn't usually involve being in hospital overnight and women can usually manage it at home.

But of course I understand how you're feeling.

Personally I kept on TTC even though I had a trip coming up, and it was a really important work trip that would have been a disaster if that had happened again. I have decided that I will just deal with stuff as and when it happens.

Actually I'm in a funny situation right now where I don't know if I'm pregnant or not because although I've had several positive test results I don't know if they're from hormones relating to my previous miscarriage or a new one. Plus have had some spotting, so don't know what's going on. Have a hellish week to wait until I can have a scan.

Good luck whatever you decide is best. And enjoy your holiday - I'm very envious!

Mitsouko - sorry for your loss. Messed up isn't it? I am also 36, and have had 2 mc now and understand the feeling of time ticking away, paying no attention to how you're feeling about it all. After the first one, we decided to wait a few months before trying again. However, I had flashes of irrational rage every time the condoms came out as they was depriving me of the chance... Now I've had my second mc, am straight back on the wagon and am ironically feeling much more stable and sound this time round.

Anyway, only you can make this decision for you. For me it was damned if you do and damned if you don't and it took a little time to get to a better emotional place.

A holiday sounds like a perfect idea. Enjoy...

Hi BrownB, I'm sorry to hear about your losses as well. It must be so heartbreaking to MC for a second time. Glad that you're feeling a little more relaxed about trying now.

I totally feel 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' right now. I'm quite nervous about TTC again, especially with this trip ahead in just four weeks time. Have been plagued by really irrational fears about ending up in hospital again while I'm away, even though any hypothetical pregnancy wouldn't be too far along and thus any hypothetical MC would be easier than what I went through in last November.

I've had fertility signs since Saturday, and with a great big sigh decided to break out the condoms at the weekend. Will have to do that again tonight, and possibly for the next few days until temps go up. DH is being lovely and supportive, and has left this decision totally up to me.

The plan now is to just be cautious until I know that my fertile window for this cycle has past, and then start trying again. I should be fertile again about 5 days or so before my holiday, in mid-March. I wish I was going to be fertile while away, that would be great...my first pregnancy that I lost was conceived on my honeymoon. DH and I just got married last summer, and wanted to start trying right away. I didn't think it would happen as quickly as it did. So that, at least, gives me hope that I may be able to conceive again.

If I give it a try next month, then I'll be on the tww over my holiday. Most advice that I've heard is just to live life as normally as possible during this period, which is what I'm going to try and do. I'm not a big drinker, but will doubtlessly have a few while away on hols...would this be a bad idea? Perhaps it would be wiser to be extra cautious and wait until after my holiday before TTC again. I had a few drinks on honeymoon, and before I knew I was pregnant the first time, but my consultant at hospital said that wouldn't have caused a MC. His opinion was that early losses are almost always due to genetic abnormalities, and that nothing I did or didn't do would have made any difference.

I want to do this right, and don't want to miss another cycle, but also want to relax, live life normally and enjoy my time away next month. Any advice?