Age difference and wanting another baby!

[BabyBorn]

Ive lurked on this site for as long as i can remember, have posted before under a different user name, about something unrelated to this topic.

Im nearly 26 and DH is 45, i have a daughter from a previous relationship, and she is now 6. Dh have been together for 4 years, married for 2.

At the start of our relationship (roughly a year into it) he pratically begged me to come off the pill to start trying for a baby, i decided i wanted to try too, but after 2 months i didnt fall pregnant, got a bit scared (have had ectopic and silent misscarriage in the past) and went back on the pill.

Now three years on i feel desperate for us to try for a baby, but he doesnt seem to be intrested. I dont really want to leave it any longer, and dont want to ideally be starting it all again when i am in my 30's.

Ive discussed it with him, and how i would really like to try for one more, and have asked if we could start in a years time. He says he isnt sure if its what he wants, doesnt know if he could cope with a baby, and doesnt want to go through that "baby stuff again" (he has a 17 year old, and DH EXW left when his son was a tiny baby, so its not as if he had to put up with "all that baby stuff" IYSWIM.

I feel like hes tourturing me by saying he wants me to wait for a year before he decides whether he does want another or whether he could cope with it or not. He has also said, if he couldnt cope then it could make us fall out big time, and that he didnt want anything to happen to us. I told him he should have thought about that before marrying somebody that was 19 years younger than himself.

I feel torn, of course i dont want us to split up, but if he doesnt want a baby, then im not sure i would want to stay and waste my life with the what if's and at least i would get the chance to have another even if it was that we split and i met someone else in the future. At least i would have that chance to have another baby. I know that sounds pathetic, but im writing this quickly and its hard to explain.

On the other hand, i dont want to stay with him and resent the fact that he doesnt/ might not want another child and that i end up hating him for it, and we split up anyway.

He is self employed, and i work 30 hours a week. He is however seeking full time employment at the minute, and the nature of his franchise means that he could still carry on being self employed as well as work full time.
I have just posted this in relationships, thought it might be useful to post here too for help and support.

Im really struggling with this.I cant stop thinking about it. I am desperate for another baby. I just want to cry most of the time when we discuss it.

I have recently had my mirena coil out, due to major side effects. We have discussed we have to be careful etc. He still very much wants to have sex, but i feel he might get scared at he possibility of me becoming pregnant(im not having any more artifical hormones in my body, they do not agree with me)and our sex life will be affected and relationship will be under further strain.

Any suggestions on what i should do, as i may have left alot to be discussed out.

Bump! Please someone help!

I'm not sure what to suggest really... I guess a very honest conversation about what you want and how much you want it. And that you too worry about your relationship if you don't try for a baby. And trying to explore his fears about raising a child and it's effect on your relationship? Maybe also trying to figure out why he's changed his mind about TTC after wanting a baby so much before?
Not sure how much that helps... Let us know how it's all progressing and good luck!

Thanks Chocolatemole!

I spoke to him again last night, i explained EXACTLY how i felt, and how i felt it could work out if we did try, the way in which we run our lives, what would be affected and what wouldnt be affective. The fact that i still want to work (i am very lucky with my job) He just sits there and listens, but he hasnt said much else about it. Although, to be fair, hes a very much reserved guy, doesnt like to be part of any confrontation, and doesnt communicate well (typical blokey style)

I dont think hes too old, and i believe he could cope, i just dont think he wants to.

I am so so lucky that i have kind parents who adore my daugheter and my mum books all her holidays from work on the half terms so she can have my daughter. My mum lives 200 miles away, so doesnt get to see her very often. In these half term times we have had a few holidays abroad just me and DH over the years, but ive always felt guilty and tearful when leaving my daughter with my mum, although i do give her the choice to whether she wants to come away with us or go to her nannys. She always chooses Nanny. However, we do go away as a family once year too,so she never misses out on going abroad with us once a year. DH has said if we had another baby, we wouldnt beable to go away on our own again, which i said i thought was really selfish as weve been away alone many times. Im also very aware that my mum would like to have her say and will want both of the children on half terms, and she wouldnt leave any grand children out. So to be honest i think hes making feeble excuses and clutching at straws.

I cant speak to anyone in RL about this, i have mentioned it to my mum and she knows most of it, she agrees that i do need to find out from him if he does want any more children sooner rather than later.

No idea how this will pan out. Will keep you updated.

How long have you been feeling like this? I often find that I'll have been thinking and pondering for ages, then when I speak to DH, I expect him to immediately feel the same. But he's not had the same time to consider it.

My DH certainly needs plenty of time to consider and think about things and get his head around things.

If you told him you didn't want another baby (even if you meant not yet) he probably accepted that, adjusted to it and carried on with life thinking that's how it was going to be.

So for you to change your mind, although you've probably been feeling the sea change for a while, you need to give him a chance to catch up.

He loves you, and will understand you're younger and want another baby. But you are also young enough not to have to have the next one in the next couple of months.

I'd suggest to keep talking, but give him time.

I discussed this with DH last night, ive been feeling like this since last July. So nearly 7 months now. I did mention it to him in July, and again in around October, then again just after christmas.

I completley understand what you mean about the change of mind, that was really due to the fear of the pregnancy going wrong than me not actually wanting a baby IFKWIM.

Thanks for your view, i do understand that. 100% makes sense. I suppose im scared that it ISNT what he wants in the near future, or infact at anytime in the future and that i will be left in limbo, babyless and heart broken.I dont want to be resenting him, nor do i ever want to be without him, but i really feel he needs to at least let me know if another child is an option or a definate no no. Hes 19 years my senior and i would have thought that perhaps it would be a subject that he could be quite sure about at the age he is. It feels like MY life is in his hands and its his choice that will affect what happens, not just regarding having another child, but to what our future holds as a married couple.