Hi everyone
Not sure why I'm writing this but wanted to 'talk' to people who I don't know in real life.
My DP and I have been together 6 years and are very much in love. We have talked about getting married and having children and its very much something I want, he is more cautious but wants to do it eventually. He's always said we'll discuss seriously having children when our financial situation is stable. It is now.
I came off my pill three months ago on doctors orders (breakthrough bleeding) so we've been using condoms if we have sex (which to be honest wasn't very often as we've had an extraordinarily busy few months). Three weeks ago things got a bit steamy in the bathroom and we started having sex without a condom - his move. I pulled away after a few mins saying that we should be more careful. Then two weeks ago he came home from a night out and asked me if I wanted to try for a baby, saying that that's what he wanted, and it was why in the bathroom that time he hadn't wanted to use a condom. So I said yes, and he wanted to do it right then and there. So we did, and have done it about 3 times since then unprotected.
Then last night we had another chat and he said that actually he was drunk that night (he didn't sound drunk, he was able to come and he usually can't or takes ages if he's drunk, I also ASKED him if he was drunk after he said he wanted to try for a baby and he said no.) and he doesn't think he's ready after all.
I am so upset. I was over the moon when he asked me if I wanted to try. Who gets drunk and tells their girlfriend they want to have a baby if they actually don't?
It's worth mentioning that we are financially secure, we own our own home, both have good jobs, I would get a good maternity package (which I researched last week FFS)
I am just so upset about it. He knows I'd love to have a child. He said he's scared of making the decision to go for it in case he regrets it and life changes for the worse.
What if I am already pregnant?! Now I am worrying that if I am, he won't be happy. He said that if that happens he'll deal with it. I'm just really sad. He said that he definitely does want children but not yet, he doesn't feel we've lived enough. We live in a city and haven't had much money to enjoy it properly, now we're in a much better situation and he wants to make the most of our life at the moment. He also has this idea he wants to live abroad but it's not feasible because he has an elderly, increasingly frail mother who he doesn't want to leave, and I also have family ties in this country.
I understand where he's coming from, I just feel so cheated. Has anyone else's DP done this? I know he's not ruled it out but it's the reneging on what he said. I even started taking folic acid 
. We're still relatively young, I'm 28 and he's 29. He's always said he'll be ready when he's 30, which he would be if I got pregnant now.
I'm really angry with him but he's saying he just wants to enjoy life how it is at the moment. We have a mortgage together and often talk about our next house move and where we'll live when we're older etc so I don't doubt he's committed. I've namechanged as I think someone IRL knows who I am on here and I'm embarrassed. Has anyone had a similar experience and everything worked out ok?
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Conception
Really upset :(
Cheeser · 29/12/2010 14:22
cheeser glad things are sorting themsleves out. I think that is very telling and shows that he is less scared etc. Yes your lives will change and you wont have money, holidays etc for a while - but you really wont mind - I promise 
.
All the best to you all. XXX
Found this thread late but wanted to add that should he wobble again, you could offer to make an agreement that you won't TTC for another 6 months and then start after that. In fact I would insist on it because I think your DH needs more thinking time to come to terms with it in his own way/time/space and also I don't think it's fair on either of you (particularly you) if the wobbles continue as it's if you are having to cajole him into it.
I know the idea of becoming a parent takes a lot of getting used to but he should definitely continue to go forwards not backwards with his feelings. If he has wobbles again you should really listen to him and be prepared to believe him instead of coming up with reasons why it could/should be such a good idea. When you do eventually become pg you really want the man in your life to be a) expecting it, b) looking forward to it and c) absolutely delighted.
When I got pg even though it was all planned, I was then the one with the wobbles (maybe it's the hormones!) and would lie in bed at night saying "what have we done, I can't believe I'm pg, have we done the right thing" etc, and I really needed him to be heartily reassuring me that of course it was the right thing, it was all going to be amazing, we had looked forward to getting a BFP etc etc. He was 100% fine and happy with it which was very reassuring. (it did/has turned out brilliantly and he is the most fabulous dad. not so good around the house but you can't have everything )
PS I was 32 and had also never been pregnant, despite more than a few accidents and a period of around 6 months as a student (with a serious boyfriend) when I ran out of the pill and couldn't be bothered to get any more, nor were we using condoms. Also had a 2nd serious boyfriend in my late 20's for 3 years and was extremely lax with contraception then too, taking the pill as and when I remembered which wasn't that often. I think I thought I couldn't get pg easily if at all so I hardly bothered. I went on to conceive four times in the first month of trying with my DH 
(have had one DD, 2 miscarriages and am currently pg). Bear in mind you could be pg sooner than you think! All the best x
simmylou your Dh's sperm must be super-duper 
I got really confused when I read your post - How can she get pregnant 4 times in one month 
??? Then I realised what you meant.
Good luck with this pregnancy. I had 2 MC's last year and I know how hard they are - hope this pregnancy goes well for you.
hi everyone - thought I'd give a quick update.
About a week ago DP went back on his u-turn, and is now full steam behind TTC. He is even saying things like 'lets go and make a baby'. And a whole afternoon on Saturday with my cousin's one year old - and twelve other littlies - hasn't put him off. So it's all back on.
Period is due on 16th Jan so just hoping it doesn't arrive 
Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your stories. x
hi shouldnotbehere! That book is really good. I bought it last year when I was planning to use Natural Family Planning as contraception. I will be 29 next year, and DP will be 30. Good luck when your time comes! He might change his mind and decide he wants to try earlier, you never know.
It's def a good idea to plan ahead though, no harm in getting your body in prime condition. Hope it all goes well
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