So jealous now i have found out i cant have children, advice please?

[Beavis25]

Hello i am new on here and I am looking for some advice as i feel so low.

I have just found out 2 weeks ago i most likely cannot conceive children naturally as i have a bad case of PCOS. I do not have typical symptoms, i.e i'm slim, very active and have good skin. But i have always suffered with very irregular periods (1 or 2 a year) and lots of pain in my ovary area. I have lots of cysts and have been put back on the pill to try and control it. I have been advised i will probably need IVF to have children and i will carry a higher risk of miscarriage. We are going to give it a few months on the pill to try and ease the symptoms and then start trying early next year. I'm aware its going to be a long and hard route, and we could never afford to have IVF for a second child :-(

I have found the news so hard to come to terms with. I am normally a happy person who loves people. Since finding out i feel bitter and jealously towards anyone i see who is pregnant or has babies (not older kids strangely). My sister in law gave birth last week, and i cant bare to go and see them and i haven't spoke to them once as i cant bare to hear the details. I hate the thought of my partner going to spend time with them too.

Why do i feel this way and how do i stop? i have tried to battle out in my head and get over it but i cant. its getting worse. My partner wants to spend some of Christmas day with them, and we keep arguing about it. We have my family over and i am finding this so hard, its our first Chrismtas together as he was away last year, and the first in the house we bought. it would completely ruin it if i had to spend Christmas day with them, or if he left me to spend it with them.

Surely as a partner he should support me and understand how i am feeling? I have suggested he spend all of boxing day with them and i will go to my dads for the day. But he is insistant on ruining Christmas day.

Please help, is it normal to feel this way after finding out you are infertile?

Thanks
:-( x

Your feelings are totally natural.

PCOS is something that can be vastly helped by a pregnancy so focus your efforts on having DC1 - and don't feel the IVF will necessarily be the the only route to DC2.

Good luck.

It is very normal. I was told I would never have children a long time ago for very similar reasons, although from the sounds of it my case was worse. I now have three children, all of them without the IVF which I was told I would need. I know this will not make you feel better, success stories actually used to make me feel worse in a way.
I was so jealous for years that I lost contact with friends. I was once physically sick from jealousy after seeing a pregnant woman smoking outside the hospital where I was having IVF. I was overcome with hatred and jealousy and had to vomit. All I can say is please don't give up hope. Keep trying. Be kind to yourself. Keep talking to us.

my sister has PCOS. She has had 4 pregnancies, 3 babies. all conceived naturally. Please do not give up hope.

Hi there I have recently been diagnosed with PCOS. Have you asked your consultant about ovarian drilling? This may be a viable option for you. It will not provide a cure although it can help with ovulation.

I have a DD already and although I have had 2 mcs, I have been told my PCOS may not have been the cause ( I also have a bi-cornuate uterus)

It may feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, but do lots of research and gather as much information as possible. PCOS books are fab. Look on amazon.

I am like you, I havce a normal BMI and not obvious or severe symptoms. Have you considered acupuncture?

There are so many avenues you can still take, please don't give up yet. your feelings are completely normal :)

Hello Beavis, I am a fellow slim, active, PCOS-er.

I have been TTC for 16 months with no luck so far, but that wouldn't necessarily be the case for you. I know a number of people with PCOS who have conceived naturally, and others who have needed no more than a few cycles of clomid - yes, it's fertility treatment, but nowhere near as invasive as IVF.

I'm quite surprised that you have been told that you will probably need IVF before you have even started TTC, it seems to be rather jumping the gun. However, a friend of mine was told exactly the same as you, and in the event she conceived naturally within 6 months.

So don't panic just yet!

You may found Verity helpful, they have their own forum.

Best of luck.

What you are feeling is entirely normal. But you do need to address it as it's not fair on you, your DH, your family or friends if you simply disengage as a result of how you feel about children. I would highly recommend some counselling to help you to work through some of your issues. I sympathise with how you feel, but I cannot blame your DH for still wanting to see his family at Christmas.

At the same time, this seems like a very extreme diagonosis to me. Is this just one opinion? Have you perhaps considered seeing a PCOS specialist? I have PCOS and after two courses of Clomid I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I have a number of friends who have also successfully conceived with PCOS so please don't give up hope.

I had pcos and now have two lovely children. Took a long time to conceive ds1. I went to a nutritionist and went on a strict low GI diet which I am convinced made a big difference (nb I was not overweight either). There are also books on pcos and fertility you may find useful. Pcos symptoms vanished after ds1, and ds2 was conceived very quickly. Don't give up! And let me know if u want links to the nutritionist or the book.

Hello

Thanks everybody for your nice messages. It just hit home a lot harder than i would have liked. I am keeping my fingers crossed we will conceive naturally in the future, but if i only have periods twice a year it seems unlikely to me :-( As the GP said to me, its impossible to predict when you will ovulate so its just a case of sheer luck. My GP has said i will be referred for Fertility treatments after 6 months of trying, as opposed to the usual 1-2years due to the underlying reason they are aware of. I think she said it was unlikely because it takes up to 6 months if you are a healthy couple, but because i just don't ovulate much. She was pregnant though, so maybe she sympathised with me?

What is drilling? sounds awful!

I am keeping all fingers crossed. I just can't help how i feel, especially seeing teenage mums who have no idea.

Thanks everyone so far x

Hi there

Please dont give up home. I want to tell you my story to give you some inspiration. I was told the same thing by a doctor when I was 16 due to PCOS. I too am lean and at the time showed no other symptoms (although 13 years later I've got more).

I spent years being dreadfully upset by this, trying every special low carb and related diet to help me get regular cycles. Started on metformin.

Got married when I was 31, and then we TTC when I was 32 exactly. I got pregnant first try. I have never been so shocked....So was DH.... Im not posting to be smug to those who have been trying for a while but to say there is hope.

Since being pregnant (DD is nearly 2) my cycles are pretty good- although my other skin/face symptoms are exacerbated.

All the best.

GBG.

that was clearly "give up hope" not home!

Did they actually tell you that you would need IVF? I am unclear as to why they would not even try a few courses of Clomid first? My doctor said the same as yours... but she was a bit blunter. She said, "well, when you're your 30s and have a full time job having sex every two days for months at a time seems a bit unrealistic, doesn't it?"

But also referred me much quicker for treatment. But IVF was very extreme. I went straight to Clomid after it was confirmed and sure enough, got pregnant. Because the beauty of Clomid is, assuming it's working, you do know when you're ovulating and get busy during the right time.

ovarian drilling isn;t as gruesome as it sounds - basically they just remove some of the cysts (though I don;t think its that common a procedure these days).

First line of treatment is clomid (often in conjunction with metformin) and it has around an 85% success rate so I wouldn;t get too obsessed by the IVF route at this stage.

I'm not sure you can stop feeling the way you do, it does get better and when you are actively having fertility treatment and doing something more positive it does make it easier.

If I were you (and I have been!) explain to your partner how painful it is for you to be around small babies then I would grit my teeth and arrange to fit in a short visit with your partner having preprepared his family for how you are feeling. Then I would arrange to do something in the hour you see them - go for a wlak, play a game etc just so you're not all sitting around cooing at the baby.

Unfortunately you can;t avoid babies forever and of course your partner wants to see his family at Xmas so if at all possible a compromise with him being acutely aware of how tough you are finding it is the way to go if you can.

I also only had 1-2 periods a year and conceived dd completely naturally. Don't give up hope x x x

Ah you sound just like me five years (and two children) ago. We were told there was no chance whatsoever - and as I look at my four year old and two year old I am glad to say medics don't know everything and even if you do need IVF, that's not the end of the world. Lots of people conceive twins (yes I know scary), and lots of people conceive naturally too.

It is difficult being around babies but I always used to think you never know. Until I started talking about our conception problems I never realised most of my friends had gone through similar situations (with happy outcomes) and almost everyone knows someone who has been through a struggle to have a family and will understand how you feel.

Beavis

Hey you were me 10 years ago with PCOS (slim, very active, had good skin) and I am now a parent. I was diagnosed with PCOS based on my bloodwork which showed the typical LH/FSH imbalance, internal ultrasounds and a few hairs. I was also told by the cons that I ran a higher than average risk of miscarrying. Not great odds you will admit.

You are not infertile; you are subfertile. Remember that too.

Who told you such nonsense to start with, this person is extremely ill informed re PCOS. No wonder you are so upset. I would not see this person again, if this is the GP I would change GP practice.

PCOS is a very individualistic disorder and affects each woman with it very differently. That is a very important point to remember; not all PCOSers are either spotty, overweight and hairy; not at all.

The commonality is the cystic follicles on the ovaries. The pill is not going to help here; it will further mask the symptoms and you won't get pg whilst on it.
The suggestion of IVF is farcical at this early stage; there are treatment options that can and should be tried first. Many PCOSers do not need IVF at all in order to conceive (I did not). I conceived as a result of ovarian diathermy surgery done by a cons gynae who knew what he was talking about.

You may also want to speak to or look at Infertility Networks website. It is UK based and very helpful (they have a helpline number and would recognise your feelings well).

Do also look at Verity's website as previously suggested it is both informative and helpful.

Some info re diathermy:-

Ovarian diathermy is a procedure whereby the surgeon punctures the cystic follicles on the ovaries with an electrical laser or needle. It can lower LH levels and kickstart the ovulation process. Diathermy has though a steep learning curve, if such an op is done you need an experience surgeon. Its an op that is more commonly done these days.

IVF in women with PCOS should only be attempted after all other treatment options have failed. IVF should be done with a degree of caution in any event in women with PCOS due to the risk of ovarian hyperstimulation.

There is no one therapy or treatment that will completely eradicate PCOS as the cystic follicles do return eventually.

Educate yourself further re PCOS: it will enable you to make good decisions when it comes to treatment options.

There really is no need to be so nasty about teenage mothers, you know.