What do you think? Honest opinions!

[Rainbow1202]

Hello lovely people!

I am 21, living with my partner of 4 years in a more-than-big-enough flat, we both work full time and are pretty financially secure. We are both as head over heels in love with eachother as when we were 17, and we want a baby. We are not the partyparty types, very happy at home, very mature, and very used to kids/babies being around.

Our friends are not very kid-orientated and really try and persuade me its the worst idea, but they dont understand that i see it as more of a need! Im desperately broody, it runs in my family, and all i want is to be a mum. My family is always full of kiddies, so im completely used to nappy changing, feeding, school runs etc - i know that i havent done it full time, but it just feels so comfortable to me, like what i was put on the planet for if that makes sense?

What do you think we should do? Trust our instincts and go for it, or stop being naive and wait a few years.... Would love to hear some opinions :)

Hmmmm. It's a tricky one. You do sound like you've got experience of babies and how much hard work they are. Also that you seem in quite a stable position. Does your partner want a baby right now, as much as you do?

I had my DD when I was 27 and I felt totally ready. (Got married at 23). However, it turned my world upside down and I was totally unprepared for the relentlessness of motherhood. Night after night of less than 2 hours sleep, endless screaming, pooing, vomiting, washing.... I became seriously depressed (no previous history of depression) and was hospitalised for nearly 3 months. I know what happened to me was very rare, but it made me realise that I was actually quite unprepared for motherhood. The nappy changing, soothing etc, is all fine when it's someone else's because you can hand them back, and go to bed and get a good night's sleep. When it's your own, it's 24 hours a day, and it's totally and utterly knackering.

However, I love being a mummy now (my DD is 3) and find it hilarious, rewarding, fulfilling etc. all the things you should feel. It's been quite a long difficult journey but I'm so glad I have my DD.

So I would say, if you know all these things and you AND your partner want this and feel ready, go for it! There are plenty of advantages of being a young mum. However, I would know what you are letting yourself in for, the personal sacrifices you will have to make, and also get lots of support around you in terms of friends and family that can help out.

Good luck!

Thanks GetDown, wow I'm glad that you are settled and happy now! It must have been really difficult thing to get through, but thanks for sharing with me because i do see your point.

I do understand that as much as someone can think they are ready, they aren't always fully prepared. And i'm sure i'll be absolutely knackered and manic when the time comes too!

My partner is very enthusiastic about having a baby soon, and he's very good with kids so that works well. And both of our families would be very supportive, we are very lucky!

I think that maybe we should wait another 6 months or so and see how we feel. Start saving as well that way! Just which i could turn off the switch in my head that makes having a baby all i can think about!! It's maddening!! Silly hormones!!

Thanks x

oops 'wish' not 'which'. I'm half asleep at work

Sounds a very sensible way forward Rainbow - I didn't want to put you off, being a mum is great, but just wanted you to know what you are getting into.

I do understand the switch in your head about wanting a baby! It's very hard to turn off!

No you havent put me off at all, you are a star! i just felt like i need someone to tell me that it all sounds quite sensible and well thought out, and that im not too young. I really don't think having a baby at 21/22 is shockingly young, but the reaction from our friends is like we have announced this idea aged 15, at school, with no money! Grrrr. they just arent the kiddy types if you know what i mean - but they'll have to get over it! Will wait and see though, there is a lot to think about as you said

Blimmin' broodiness!! x

You do sound very sensible and like you have thought it through. Does your partner feel the same (hand on heart - important to really take into account how he feels, too)?

My gut answer (without knowing you at all!) is that there is no harm in waiting a bit longer if you can manage it (I know broodienes sis a very powerful thing!).

You could then get a bit more career experience under your belt, add to your savings and enjoy the freedom and fun of having no children for a few years and still be a very young, vibrant mum.

I know I will sound like an ancient, patronising old giffer for saying this (I am early 30s) , but you really are so young. Once you have your own family, there is no turning back. Your time to pursue your own interests will be quite limited and lots of life-enhancing experiences like travel, career etc become much harder with kids to consider.

Like the previous poster, i am not trying to doom monger, just to give you the benefit of my wisdom .

You sound very mature and sorted, and I am sure you will be a great mum whenever you choose to take the plunge!

It is wonderful that you are in love and are financially stable. Have you ever considered / do you think you might consider continuing education and/or concentrating more on your career? Life is very long and complicated, and as we mature as females, we tend to want different things. Achievements become important and sometimes being mom as your only achievement in life (as great as it is) might not be adequate, or you might feel that you have not taken advantage of opportunities when you were young and did not realize your full potential... 50, 40, 30 and even 20 years ago this wouldn't have been a problem, but nowadays we live in a very different world and we females have a lot of wonderful opportunities... All I am saying, give motherhood a thought so that you do not have any regrets by the time you are 40 and kids grow up and gone off to college.

DoLittle I do totally understand! There is no harm in waiting! My super-sensible side knows this...just the hormonal part is like a little devil on my shoulder going do it...do it...LOL

My partner is very for the idea also, maybe not quite as obssessed as me (!), he says he cant wait to be a dad, and always goes mushy when he sees babies...giving me that sideways smile that encourages me! Only thing is that i think he might be a bit more naive than me (its all sunshine and lollipops in his head!), whereas i know its going to be bloody hard work, but still want it! Hormones!

I think that as hard as it is, i should wait and see if we still feel this strongly in say a year. Gong to be bloody hard, but you all have very valid points!

Lilly13 Thanks, and yes you are right...career and education are very important to get sorted. I have college qualifications (uni has never appealed to me), and have been working well in my sector for 3 years now. I love my job, but in my head it feels like its just something to do until i have / arounding having kids - does that sound terrible?? Im freelance so can sort of pick up and drop work when i feel like it....but you are right, i should fully arm myself before having a little one...getting a job is hard enough for some people at the moment! Thanks :)

Weeeell... To me you sound like you're pretty sorted with your head screwed on the right way. I agree that there's no harm in waiting if you feel that there are still things you need to do career-wise/travelling etc. You're still young and have plenty of time.

I was 22 when we started to TTC DD1 and had her when I was almost 24 (I had a MC with my first pregnancy before getting pregnant with DD) and I'm now 27 with DD2 on the way! I've never regretted my decision to start a family as early as I did, although sometimes I wished I'd had a career behind me first (although you don't sound like you have a problem here) as I have nothing to go back to once DCs are both at school.

My only concern for you is your friends. You say that they are trying to talk you out of it so my worry would be that, if you were to have a baby now, would they grow apart from you and you'd lose their support? Having a baby, as wonderful as it is, can make you feel a little lonely when you're the one at home with it and everyone is at work so you may need your friends.

Wandering Thanks! Yes i do feel quite sensible about the whole thing, and its lovely to hear from someone who made that decision early too! And congrats on number 2! So exciting :)

I worry about our friends too. Don't get me wrong, there are a few who would be over the moon for us, and i'm sure no-one would be horrible about it or anything, just sad because i'd want everyone to be happy at the news...and i know the bulk of them would be all awkward comments and lots of negativity, which isnt the nicest atmosphere to bring litt'luns into eh? sad :(

On the other hand though, our families are both big, and would be ecstatic. Its just trying to find that balance, because im not silly enough to think that we wouldn't need lots of help and just general support!

Well it definitely sounds like you would have plenty of support . The reason I mentioned the friend thing is because I have/had a friend who when I told her about my MC said, "oh but do you think you were ready for a baby?" she used to come round regularly and I used to visit her. Since having DD I think I've seen her once (DD is 3 and a half). She lives around the corner she never dropped round to see DD when she was born or anything, although if that's how friends act then I guess they aren't true ones .

Oh dear Wandering, thats so sad, im really sorry. :( I think its so selfish of people do that when as a friend, it was that time you probably needed her most. I do see your point, and there is a little niggle in the back of my head that says that could well happen with some of our friends. They are just the opposite of me, not maternal in the slightest! its very frustrating to say the least, because I think they'll still be at it when im 23,25,27 etc etc, dont want me and my partner to put off big life plans because of our grumpy and anti-bubby friends lol! Ahhh dilemma. Waiting-and-seeing seems the best bet!

Good luck with whatever you decide! It sounds like you and your DP will be great parents whenever you do have children .

Aww thanks . Its been lovely to hear what people think - makes me feel like less of a loon! MN is great, cheers everyone! xx