TTC and losing it

[fuzzymoo]

Really needing words of wisdom and comfort. Been ttc for over 2 years, one m/c and one suspected chemical preg. Had 6 months of clomid. DP has low morphology (2%). Consultant at fertility clinic is pushing IVF if another couple months clomid doesn't work. Really don't want to touch IVF for fear of the madness that I'm currently experiencing ramping up several gears. If the first attempt didn't work then I know I couldn't stop there and we really can't afford attempt after attempt, not just financially but emotionally. We have one beautiful DD, who I adore (obv) but I really don't want her to be an only child (DP and I are both only children and while there are advantages we both wish we had a sibling, esp as parents age). I know countless people can't even have one and we have an awful lot to be grateful for but I so desp wanted another child and to experience pregnancy one more time. I just don't know if I can carry on for much longer with the gut wrenching disappointment every month. I convinced myself that it was going to work this month (or at least the little voice in my head would't let me believe that I wasn't). Seriously fearing I'm becoming delusional. I'll blame the Clomid! Just would love to hear stories of success from a similar background, or any insight that'll help me make sense of where to go now. I'm not wording things very well but I'm feeling so so low tonight and just can't take much more of my head and my heart feeling like it does.

Oh fuzzy .

Sounds like you desperately need a break from TTC. For the sake of your mental well being and your relationship, could you just have a month or two of no clomid, no charting, no trying? You could even use condoms so that the pressure of TTC is entirely removed.

From what you've described, to launch into IVF feeling emotionally battered, is not a good plan.

I understand the desperation for a 2nd DC, but maybe you need to sit down with DH and just draw a line.

Thanks GetDown. We've spoken about having a break from ttc but there's always that niggling thought of what if this was the month. We have conversations about how much longer we can continue but I feel utterly desolate at the prospect of accepting that the last 2+ years have been for nothing and accepting that we're never going to have a 2nd.

I'm beginning to discover myself that this TTC game is a bit like gambling - it's addictive, and you end up thinking... next time, next time!

But at what cost? You've already said in your OP that you can't afford IVF - not just for the financial reasons, but because the emotional cost is HIGH.

I don't think you necessarily need to give up your dream of having a 2nd right now. Just maybe step back for a month or two, and try and rediscover some of the things you used to enjoy.

You're so right about the gambling. I think that's why the fear of "what if it could be next month" stops us from taking a break. But maybe it's a good idea to just stop focussing on it for a bit and try to regain some balance and sanity. I didn't see how much I was sliding until this month and how devastated I've been at another let down. I've felt like my body has been betraying me and now my mind is joining in. OMG. Feel like a right idiot seeing that written down but it's so true!

You had your DD without clomid? It could happen again.

Right, I want you to tell me something you used to really enjoy doing, that's fallen by the wayside

Do you like any sports? Crafts? Reading? Travelling?

Wow GetDown you are awesome. I would like you on my side if I were asking for help.

OP no advice, but hope things work out for you.

Travelling always used to be our thing before DD came along. And I used to manage to read chapters at a time but that's a lost art now! I get where you're going with this though and you're right that steering my mind away from the big baby quest (to be ref'd to as BBQ from now on!) could only be an emotionally healthy step.

And yes, DD was a spectacular one night wonder, 5 years ago, when we weren't ttc.

Hmmmm ....

fuzzy I've been TTC no 2 for 2 1/2 years, like you my DH has sperm problems.

Like you I went through a period of feeling utterly obsessed and desperate about it about a year ago. It was awful :(

Then I think a kind of self protective mechanism kicked in and I realised if I continued like that I'd be ill. I got rid of all DD's baby stuff, sold my TTC books, stopped my subscription to fertility friend, stopped timing sex, avoided the conception threads as much as possible, told everyone we probably wouldn't be having any more children and why.

I have stopped thinking about it and now just assume it's not going to happen. I constantly remind myself of all the positives of having one child and how much harder my life would be with 2.

We still attend all our appointments at the fertility clinic, and do all the tests and have made the lifestyle changes suggested. This puts us in the best position to get pregnant if it ever was going to happen. We won't be having IVF because we can't afford it - both me and DH work in the public sector and our jobs aren't secure at the moment.

You definitely need to tone down the obsessional trying / thinking about it for your own sake, it's not easy but you need to put strategies in place to help you do this.

Thank you so much everybodysgotone, I'm relieved I'm not alone in losing my grip. Reading that you got rid of all your baby stuff just reduced me to tears. The prospect of doing that just feels too final at the moment. I'm in awe of how proactive you've been and totally understand why you've done it. There feels a certain inevitability about it with our situation, which is prob why I feel I have to fight against it still. I think I'm just still feeling so raw and bewildered because I never saw this coming. It all feels absurd and unbelievable, but then it's a kind of mourning isn't it?

I think I need to focus on Christmas and a new year ahead and work on a more rational frame of mind. Maybe with a couple of month's break and maybe it'll make it easier to make a decision once we've stepped off the conveyor belt of madness.

Spidookly, thank you for your post of support