Anyone else struggling to keep DH's enthusiasm going??

[Clockspotter]

Hi all!

Wondered if anyone had any tips and advice (other than x-rated) to keep DH interested in the quest ttc??

We talked about ttc #2 over the summer and have been getting it together as regularly as time permits with us both working full time whilst trying to spend as much time with DD1 as poss. but as yet no luck even tho we've been trying to hit my most fertile days.

I mentioned last week that I was thinking about buying a Clearblue Fertility Monitor and this was met with a roll of the eyes and 'oh God, its bad enough trying to perform on demand without charts going up all over the place etc, etc..' and 'I feel like you only want me for one thing'.

How the hell do you maintain a degree of sponteneity in this situation?? I feel really sorry for him but also desperately want this too. I know he's keen to have another but doesnt feel as desp as me as my biological clock is ticking very loudly.

It's difficult isn't it?

I think maintaining variety is important i.e. not always in your bed at bedtime. It's tricky when yuo've got another DC around but how about just after when you put him / her to bed?

Or in the mornings?

Also I would play down the charting / monitors etc. as it can be a turn off for the men. Just keep it to yourself and try to be extra sexy during the times you know are "good" times.

Thanks GDYWF. Trouble is when sex life has gone down the pan for so long since DD was born and we're both so busy it doesnt seem to come naturally anymore! He'd be v suspicious if I started larking about sexily as that part of me seems to have disappeared with body and mind changing that went with having the first one!

We have some time to ourselves when we can go out together on a sort of date and try to 're-capture the magic' (hahaha) but thats not the best time of the month IYSWIM..

I think because DD was a bit of a surprise as we were being 'careful' he thought it would happen first time round this time!!

I do know what you mean. Our DD is 3 next month and we are both knackered!

However, I think it's something you have to work on. You can't just expect to feel instantly sexy and you can't expect that of DH either.

I read somewhere in a relationship book that foreplay starts at breakfast, and can be just a kiss on the cheek, a kind word, a little note, a special breakfast. It's about getting yourself "in the mood" as early as possible. Also being intentional about it, isn't always a turn off. Deciding to have a special "date" can be quite exciting in a way!

I do understand though it's tricky. DH was in the mood this morning, and I really really wasn't! Went ahead anyway, but just couldn't really ummm... get there IYSWIM. Nevermind!

Hi clockspotter. I posted a similar thread recently and a few people were quite rude saying I was a terrible control freak, DH obv didn't want a baby, I was making DH's life hell, turning sex into a chore and he would probably leave me (words to that effect) which was quite a shock and upsetting and I hope you don't get the same.

Lots of other lovely posters were supportive and gave good advice.

I would suggest doing the clearblue but in the background and not talking about it too much (ie 'just going to POAS', 'just POAS and it was positive, let's go' etc) and don't have your chart visible to him, subtely update it on FF or in your diary. It might work out really great for you both as you know the window better and therefore have to SWI less often, and the rest can be SFF and the trick will be to make these two 'types' feel exactly the same, sexy and fun!

Clockspotter,

"but as yet no luck even tho we've been trying to hit my most fertile days".

This is part of the problem. You are putting too much pressure on both yourself and your H to conceive. You need to take the pressure off both of you.

Timing of intercourse can do more harm than good in a relationship and can make the man feel used.

Do not use these kits; apart from not being totally reliable these can add to the overall pressure and stress as you have already seen. If you make love when you both feel like it the whole experience will be more enjoyable to you both.

Would suggest you also stop thinking about this whole idea of trying to hit "fertile days" - its a fallacy. Continue to and make time to go out together, keep talking to each other. Ovulation is not an exact science and it can occur earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle. It certainly does not always happen 14 days before the start of the next period!.

This is just it, with last time being much of a happy accident, I think in the panic to want to do it soon, I'm reading up on it all too much to try and maximize chances when really, just because you WANT something doesnt mean its your RIGHT to have it, especially when it comes to children! I suppose we all know how easy it is to get hung up on the idea tho!

This is a tricky one - personally I've been using a CBFM but my DH doesn't know about it . We generally 'do it' 2-3 times a week anyway, but I privately make sure we hit the right days at my fertile time and step things up a bit...he's not complaining and I feel that we're covering all bases.

It's all very well to say just 'make love' when you're both in the mood, but when you're in your 30s and been trying without success for a few months you want to do all you can to make it happen.

I'd suggest keeping track of your cycle yourself without advertising the fact and aim to have sex throughout the month but with extra effort at the right time.

Good luck x

Hi Pink,

re your comment:-
"It's all very well to say just 'make love' when you're both in the mood, but when you're in your 30s and been trying without success for a few months you want to do all you can to make it happen".

Indeed but pressurising yourselves by thinking of "fertile days" or having sex at the "right time" is not going to make conception happen any quicker. General concensus too is that if you're over 35 and have been ttc for six months without success the couple at that stage should see the GP. Also you should see the GP sooner rather than later if your menstrual cycle is irregular, very heavy or very painful.

Sorry Attila but knowing your fertile days and having sex at the right time is ABSOLUTELY going to make conception happen quicker.

Was just about to post the same GetDown - of course having sex at your fertile time is more likely to result in a pregnancy! You can shag 3 times a day for the rest of the month and nothing will happen unless you're about to, or ovulating.

Sorry Clockspotter - I made assumptions about your age etc in my original post, you could be 18 for all I know

I too have a CBFM, but my dh would never know if I had not told him!

Hi everyone,

All making perfect sense, I should perhaps lighten up AND try the 'stealth' approach when it comes to CBFM but at 60 quid I think he'll notice that chunk of money leaving the account (unless am really stealthy and put away the odd tenner here and there).

I'm coming up to 39 Pink, so no offence taken! Must admit I'm much in admiration of managing sex 2-3 times a week let alone every other day as they recommend- with the best will in the world we just seem to have too much going on! Must make more effort, must make more effort...

"Sorry Attila but knowing your fertile days and having sex at the right time is ABSOLUTELY going to make conception happen quicker".

If that was indeed the case I would fully agree with you but it is not. Conception is about so many more factors than just the above.

Knowing when the actual fertile time occurs is nigh on impossible to self predict with any degree of accuracy. Ovulation is not an exact science and a woman can ovulate earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle. For many women who have consistently irregular cycles ovulation is even more problematic. Also timing of intercourse still does more harm than good to a relationship; it makes the man feel used.

Clockspotter

It would not do you any harm at all to have some simple tests done on both of you if you have been ttc for nearly or just over six months.

Ravenlocks I do remember that post and meant to post something supportive but didn't. Should have done though as thought you were very reasonable etc

Clockspotter I think if you would feel less stressed knowing when your most fertile days are by charting/poas etc I would do it but agree with others that it's probably not worth bothering DH with this.

I think there are times when trying to SWI on 'fertile days' works and is natural and fun and unforced but there are other days when it doesn't. You know how your DH works and will be able to judge things best.

DH and I have, err, managed fun and romantic quickies between other commitments knowing that this was a 'fertile day' and we wanted to DTD but there have been other fertile days where frankly we were both too shattered and forcing the issue wouldn't have worked. But as I say, I think you'll be the best judge with your DH and if it's not going to happen one day/one month I would try to relax.

Hi, would recommed going to gp and getting basic fertility blood tests and thyroid tests done if over 35 and ttc for 6mths or more - I did this aged 34 having ttc for far too long, now we found medical issues with male I see hindsight is a wonderful thing!