When (if ever) will you stop?

[TanteAC]

Evening all,

This follows a discusion with DH and I regarding ttc, and has turned into a discussion with other friends as well, with different points of view.

We have been ttc for a while, have all sorts of boring medical things going on (well, I do ) and once they get sorted we will be starting fertility treatment of some kind.

However, before we start all this, DH and I had to have a conversation about when we would want to stop (fertility treatment donation, surrogacy, adoption, whatever) just for me to make sure I have the same endurance levels as him, etc.

And if all else fails, we have a draft plan of what we will do with our lives if we never have a child. BTW I am a natural optimist and am not really considering this properly! It is a coping mechanism, I think 'So either way,we will be happy!' so that I can relax and be positive rather than desperate.

So has anyone else done this? Where would you draw a line? Sorry if people see this as a depressing thread, it isn't meant to be, honestly!

Ooo have felt bad the whole time since I posted this thread, like pissing on everyone's parade!
Not the place for it probably, sorry!

Hope nobody read it and got depressed. xox

Tante - don't worry I read it and didn't get depressed! I though you sounded quite positive really - like putting perspective on something that can seem all consuming and never-ending at times.

For what it's worth, I don't know how far we'd go. DH is very 'male' in his attitude to these things and would rather cross each bridge as and when (if) we come to it, so it's not really possible for us to make a decision about it all right now. Although that frustrates me as I'm a 'planner', I can see the sense as I don't think you can predict ahead of time how you will feel. That said, I know in my own mind that we'd go further than just trying 'natural' means - i.e. we'd definitely try assisted methods and possibly even surrogacy. I think if we had to consider options that involved the child not being genetically related to us, that would require more thought and I don't know where we'd come out, but we'd certainly consider it.

Let's hope neither of us has to get that far! :) I hope your 'boring medical things' get resolved soon and good luck with the fertility treatment!

We have decided that we would not try IVF or IUI.

We were also meant to stop this month but had a MC in Aug/Sept so lost a few months with that so think we will add this on and keep trying for another 6 months ish.

We already have one DD so are getting to the point where we are thinking that she is all we were meant to have.

good luck x

Aw thank you for your replies!

Wombat, you sound very similar to me - and DH is equally male about it!
Am a planner, planner, planner! - but also know realistically that this is more a placebo thing for me as we will deal with each thing that comes up as and when.
I just feel like I can 'start' with fertility treatments when I have all bases covered in my head, IYSWIM!

Will definitely try all assisted conception methods possible, but beyond that (donors and surrogacy) I don't think we could cope with and so would then consider adoption.

But of course I will have given birth to 3 DCs by that stage, so it won't be necessary

KT sorry to hear about your MC. It is interesting to hear from other people who have decided not to go with certain intervention. Have one friend who has done everything at the cost of her health (mental and physical) and hopefully not her relationship. Can totally understand her drive, though.

Then have another (now older friend) who said 'no' past a certain point, but she says it was sooo hard not to keep going for just one more month everytime. She is happy now though, and has adopted a gorgeous little family.

Fingers crossed all round, and back to the baby-making!

xox

It didn't make me depressed. Certainly made me think though...

Not sure if I could cope down the intervention route. Heard it can be quite painful etc. Im hesitant to make this comment but I will anyway! I think it the problem lay with me, I would force myself to go through this. But Im not so sure I could in the reverse situation.

Don't think I could do the whole surrogacy thing. I would definately consider adoption though.

God the comment makes me sound a total bitch! Im sure there is some wierd reasoning for it in my head. :(

Im just hoping it will happen and not come to this.

But I have a fear as there is a little issue with DH. We've not had it checked out yet, not been TTC long enough. And also prob doing a bit of an ostrich routine (head in the sand) at the minute about it.

I don't think that's a bad comment, suffering

I sort of started this thread because I wondered what people really think, or feel ok about, or feel under pressure to do.

One of the downsides of having all these fantastic treatments is the pressure to have them! (if that makes any sense ).
If I'm totally honest, I would struggle with surrogacy I think, but would be better at copng with invasive treatments like IVF way better than DH.

Nearly had to give him a sticker, buy him a toy and take him to McDonald's after the sperm sample drama

DH is far more desperate to conceive than I am. Not that I don't want to but it's not my be all and end all in life.

I think if it came to it I would be under tremendous pressure to try everything and anything under the sun. Though I think I would be drawing a line. Even seeing people on here talk about all sorts of procedures just to check your fertility! Puts me right off.

Im not into medical procedures as a whole. God knows how I'd cope with labour! Pain does not feature well with me! In fact its prob why Im not as keen as DH!

Why couldn't the stork story be true

Lol or the cabbage patch..

Would defo try IVF, then eventually would go for adoption over surrogacy.

I've been thinking about this lately, having just had my third miscarriage.

We have one ds so we are lucky. I'm currently having tests to see if there is a cause that can be treated.

If it can be treated with a course of drugs, then yes we'd probably do that even though it means having an overly medicalised pregnancy.

If it means ivf, then probably no. But I never say never as I might feel differently if we are actually facing that prospect.

Surrogacy or donor sperm is a no-no. I think by that point we may consider adoption or accept that ds is our only child. I'm only 32 though so I feel I have a few years to explore the options, but will still have the love and energy to give another child should those options be exhausted.

I think dh feels the same, we haven't discussed in depth but I mentioned adoption the other day and he said it had also crossed his mind.

Interesting thread.

I come at this from the perspective of having come out the other end and now have a gorgeous 8month DD after 10 years of fertility treatment.

When IVF was first suggested to me and DH ten years ago, I too was a planner and we said that we would have four tries at IVF and then stop (DH was adopted very late and didnt feel he could go through the process again as a potential parent) - we even wrote each other promise letters on the subject! After our fourth attempt failed (MC), we werent ready to give up, or the next time and eventually our DD was born as a result of our seventh attempt.

So I guess what I am saying, is all well to make plans, but be aware that your feelings might change (either to carry on or to stop before you thought you would).

In hindsight, I wish I hadnt planned so much (also wish I had changed clinics/approaches sooner, but thats a whole other thread)

Thanks for the thread,

I have been thinking or rather trying not to think about all this recently. I can hear a little voice whispering to me that maybe I should think about and set a cut off point, but I am sort of scared to in case I cant stick to it anyway.

I am currently completely infertile due to Ashermans Syndrome. I have decided to spend a small fortune on getting an operation done privately and I am fully aware for some people one operation is enough but others require several to successfully treat the condition, and sometimes even then IVF afterwards. This would be financially disastrous or downright impossible for me. (NHS treatment is not an option)

I do worry about what I will do if this one is not successful but Lamzig has just made me feel better about not having a plan and TanteAC infectious optimism is helping lots too.

Good thread. I've thought about this only in a vague passing way, but my reactions mainly run along these lines:
We already have DS - that's more than many. And it means nhs- funded AR is unlikely to be available.

I'm not sure that we could spare a large amount of money to pay for private AR.

I'm not sure I could justify what is effectively gambling with that money when it could be spent in other ways that would make the whole family happy.

Although I want DS to grow up as I did, with close sibling relationships, saving the money and spending it on regular flights back home or moving back home so that he can develop closer relationships with his cousin may help.

If we would be accepted as adoptive parents, then this is something I think we'd consider. Several of my extended family are adopted and it feels like something that would be beneficial to everyone involved.

I would also like the say that I think this is a really good thread! It is really interesting to see how other people have looked at this.

Me and DP had spoken about this quite early on as I am one of those people who have to have all bases covered. I have always said that personally I wouldn't want to have IVF as I don't think I could cope with it but I would definitely consider adoption.

We agreed that we would give it a year, if nothing that we would have basic tests and then review the situation as to whether to continue trying as we were for another year, look at adoption, or get a dog and plan lots of holidays.

Unfortuatly I have just had an mc so we are rather back at the beginning again. We have not yet talked about how long we would try for a second time but I know I will need to think about this soon for my own peace of mind.

We were discussing this recently as well. We are just starting TTC, but we have some very dear friends who have been trying for 10 years and whilst their relationship is very strong it has taken its toll financially and emotionally of course.

We have said after trying for a year we would have tests done. To a degree what would happen after that is dependent upon the results but our instinct is that we would have a maximum of 3 cycles of IVF- if we could even afford those!) before looking into adoption. I am adopted myself so it would be- I'm not sure quite what the right word is- bittersweet? for me to then adopt.

This is a fab thread - thank you tanteac for starting it - - Have seen you in other threads too - - are you a frolicker by any chance?
DH and I had this conversation this weekend..so very apt to add what we talked about and found it helpful reading how others are arriving at their decisions too.

Our journey began last December with me diagnosed with PCOS and the doc recommended a lap procedure to check my tubes. My SIL responded by saying - it's your body, don't do it - adopt instead. So I started thinking about options way too early and it certainly did not help to be offered adoption when I wasn't sure what was going wrong with me... So DH and I deliberately stayed away from thinking of options for the next six months. Incidentally prior to starting to ttc DH has been very pro-adoption and wanted to adopt regardless of if we have our own or not. I was not as pro but certainly not against. It's almost a year now and we've got a better understanding of our situation (and limitations) and through this journey have been there for one another. This wkend DH brought up the topic when he saw me moaning about at Sloane Square where they had this big giant Xmas marquee and lots of families were listening to carols... I felt we were the only couple without kids there... long story short - DH said he'd like to continue with trying for our own for another 3-4 months, then opt for IVF if that is available to us and if not adopt. He was not comfortable with surrogacy. I aggree with him it is a wait and watch but I do not want to have this go on for too long. Agree that it's hard to put a definite number -- but value laying out the options and being flexible and kind with oneself and one's partner.

Aw thanks for saying it is a good thread - I was very worried after I'd posted it that it was depressing or a bit hurtful.

It is just a bit of a new thing for me, as I had previously thought I'd do ANYTHING to have a baby. But I also have to consider DH, our relationship, the reality of ttc, what I would be happy with, etc etc. Thankfully, DH and I seem to be on the same wavelength so far, but I wonder if this will be the case should we find ourselves 2 years further on....

Hopefully will not come to this! But sometimes think it is hard to be honest and say we really want a baby, but I won't do that, etc

PS yes, was (or am!) a frolicker, btw!