TTC and relationship with OH suffering?

[ravenlocks]

After 7 months TTC with no joy, I have asked DH him to stop drinking, together with me, for 3 months (Christmas celebrations excepted). He reacted like I had just suggested we commit some horrific crime. We had a calm conversation about it and we ultimately agreed a compromise where we would cut down but not give up completely and if we hadn't conceived by January, kick it completely (I think secretly he is hoping it doesn't come to that).

Despite the calm compromise he is sulking, refused to eat anything (he is NOT a meal skipper ever) and has said he is tired and just wants to sleep so has taken himself off to bed - this was at 8:30pm!

I love him to death but come on! I am doing all sorts of things to help us along (really cut down on drinking to 5-10 units per week, charting, eating right, researching and educating myself and doing all sorts of other stuff) and he is doing lots of BD on demand but other than that.... grrrrr.

I am sure this makes us sound like alcoholics but I am being honest here - we are typical stay at home drinkers, but before I cut down I was having between 2 and 3 bottles of wine over the course of a week and DH would have slightly more. All the research I have done suggests this could be harming our chances of conceiving. I think he just thinks I am trying to make him unhappy and taking away something he enjoys to punish him.

How do you guys prevent the stress and strains of TTC from driving you and your other half to the point of throttling one another??

It's a nightmare, isn't it? I think this TTC-ing game can really take its toll. It takes a lot of honest upfront communication, I find I am not very good at even saying things like "can we make love tonight because it would be a really good time?" I find it really difficult. It does test a relationship I think.

I don't think it's too much to ask of him to cut out alcohol TBH. As you say, you are doing far more already to help improve your chances.

Is he as serious as you about wanting a baby? It takes two to tango and all that. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to at the very least cut down. It does sound like 2 or 3 or more bottles of wine a week is really quite a lot and it could do you both a lot of good to reduce.

Would it help him if he got some kind of medical endorsement to the cutting down e.g. going to GP together and GP telling you that your chances may improve if he looks after himself a bit more? There are dietary things he could do as well e.g. selenium, and zinc really help sperm production and can be found in seeds. You can toast them and sprinkle on foods for example.

Yes - it IS a nightmare. DH was bloody awful through the whole process. I think secretly he saw the whole thing as an attack on his virility. So I would say 'Sweetheart - could you possibly stop taking a scalding hot bath every night' and he would hear 'Your sperm is so crap that it can't even withstand tepid water. I wish I'd married a man with heat resistant testicles'.

Things got worse when we actually went for tests. Ten years on he still whinges about his sperm test and the fact that the doctor had the AUDACITY to squeeze DH's nuts. Meanwhile I went through months of passing strangers putting their arms up my flange, a laparoscopy blah blah blah. Bitter - moi?

Oddly enough when the sperm test results came back as passable (not fabulous but passable - too many hot baths!!!) DH perked up and got with the programme. I honestly think the root of his huffishness was paranoia, guilt, anxiety that the whole thing was 'his' fault. Maybe your DH secretly feels the same? Is there anyway you can reassure him - though obviously it is hugely irritating to have to do so when you are doing the lions share of the work! :)

Thanks guys.

Getdown good tip re the zinc. I bought him the Wellman conception a few weeks ago when I was stocking up on pregnacare and he does take that when I remind him - although I know how hard it is to stick to that too and remember it with food etc. I think he is as serious as me - he says so anyway. In our little heated debate earlier he did actually say the words "I am desperate to have a baby with you" which took me to the verge of tears. I just wish it was easier!!! Like the idea of the GP thing, I really hope I don't have to go to the GP tho. I don't want to go before 12 mths of TTC as I know there are people more deserving who need fertility help - 7 months feels like a lifetime to me but nothing compared to a lot of folks.

Zippy your post was hilarious! I am going to try ever so hard not look like I am laying the blame at DH's door. I am not but can imagine for these over-sensitive man types me starting to look at him and suggest the vits and the drinking is him thinking I am thinking "right, I can do no more now YOU! must be the problem"

Raven I am sneak-feeding my DH pumpkin seeds and other foods high in zinc/selenium He hasn't noticed yet. For what it's worth I think your plan to cut down on the drinking sounds like a great idea & why on earth should you do it alone when it will benefit him too? I do wonder if they take it as a personal affront to their swimmers whatever we suggest.

Here's hoping neither of us reach 12 months; I've been at it as long as you have :)

Do you think cutting down on alcohol will REALLY make such a difference? I don't think 2-3 bottles of wine (between 2) over a week is such a lot. It can really put a lot of pressure on someone if the other person in the relationship starts putting demands on what you can or can't do.

Our situation was the reverse, DH was much keener to have a child than I was ........ I would have been pretty annoyed if had started telling me how much to drink/what to eat/how hot my bath water was etc. My view was, I'll stop using contraception and see what happens, after 8 months I conceived (in my early 40s).

Are you 100% sure he does want a baby?

From a bloke's point of view this sounds like a nightmare:

"I love him to death but come on! I am doing all sorts of things to help us along (really cut down on drinking to 5-10 units per week, charting, eating right, researching and educating myself and doing all sorts of other stuff) and he is doing lots of BD on demand but other than that.... grrrrr."

Your request he cuts down on drinking is just the straw that broke the camels back.

While keeping his alcohol intake to 2 bottles of wine per week is what all adults should do I suggest 7 months is not long and it is you that is the problem here.

beenbeta not sure your post will convey that men can be supportive, helpful and sacrificing when it comes to TTC. I disagree that you are a problem raven - if your DH wants a baby he should also be TTC-ing, not just BD-ing.

My DH drinks a lot also and last week I asked him to cut down during OV time and he did.

And beenbeta 7 months is a long time to wait and I think its completely understandable to try and look to areas to "fix" if everything else hasn't worked thus far.

Good luck with TTC-ing raven!!

Hey raven we've been ttc DC2 for nearly 2 years and it has put strains on our relationship, paticularly when I had mc in summer. We're being seen by cons at hospital so DH has has sperm test and was jolly cheery when he got good results. I had asked him to cut down on his drinking with little effect but then I stopped almost completely (I occassionally have a glass) and as a result DH has reduced his drinking because he says there's no point in opening a bottle of wine if I'm not having any. So maybe the answer is just to change your drinking and see what happens? That said, when I got pregnant with DD we were going out loads and both drinking quite a bit....

Terry - it took us 5 years to get to the birth of DS1 from starting TTC and we went through IVF. I know what pressure to TTC feels like.

Yes men should be supportive - but think about the response a woman would get on here if she came on saying her DH was expecting sex on demand AND telling her she cant have a drink. I'm sure she would be told he was being totally unreasonable and controlling.

According to the NHS, out of a group of 100 couples only 84 conceive within a year. For that sensible reason, our GP would not do any tests until we had been trying for a year.

ravenlocks - to be frank you are making sex/TTC a very unenjoyable chore for your DH. Back off a couple of steps and let the man have a drink now and then and for goodness sake make it fun. Men do not feel that visceral urge to get pregnant that you feel now. For me and every man I have ever spoken to about it, the idea of having children is an abstract concept, a nice thing, a loving thing but not a driving force. It does not mean your DH is unsupportive or not wanting to have a child because he is not living and breathing the idea every day like you are.

You are in real danger of pushing your DH so hard that he eventually psychologically switches off. Talk to him and listen to him.

Good luck.

beta how did you stay sane during 5 years of ttc? We've been ttc dc2 for 2 years and I've had to work v hard not to get completely obsessed about it all.

raven I think beta makes some good points, things were at their worst between DH and I when he felt sex was a chore. Ttc for a long time is really hard, good luck!

reallygrumpy - it was really horrible.

We eventually gave up hope and it just happened naturally as we were about to begin the second round of IVF.

I too agree with beta.

As hard as it is to be ttc and not getting pregnant within the timescale required (i.e. immediately), the reality is that obsessing about it isn't actually going to make you get pregnant.

And seven months really isn't a long time - on average it takes a normal, healthy couple twelve months to conceive.

You need to relax a bit and live your life or conceiving will take over and destroy it.

And I speak as someone who took 13 months to conceive my first child, and spent five years ttc a second one and never succeeded.

Whilst I agree with some of what Beta says, I think it's unfair to say that Raven is making TTC an unenjoyable chore - how can you possibly know that? Like many of us she may well be trying to do a lot of the background 'work' on the quiet specifically in order to not freak out DH or add pressure - let's face it, a lot of us are doing that to try and keep the fun in there.

At the end of the day though it's a joint project, having a family. And doing something together like both easing off on the booze is part of the joint project and has many other health benefits anyway.

Hello Ravenlocks...Well from reading through the thread there does seem to be a lot of divided advice...

I know what you mean regarding you putting in all the ground work/effort ttc, men just are more relaxed regarding ttc and assume it will just "happen", I agree with some of Betas comments, and yes as a female the need to be pregnant is all consuming!.

Seven months isn't a long time...but it is when you are trying, and appear to be doing all the right things

We started trying early this year ( i have 2 dc from previous), we concieved in April and August...both early mc's.

My Gp has done various bloods on me and all ok.
DP had a sperm test and it was really low.

I have been popping vits months before, and have now put DP on vits too, bananas, nuts etc...

The problem is the booze! We have always enjoyed wine together, but since ttc I have reduced alot!, and don't touch any after AF.

With DP low result I asked if he would cut right back, which he agreed but still manages two lagers and a couple of glasses of wine(250ml)...I know it's not a huge amount, but still quite alot, and not very supportive?.

Didn't help that his GP said reducing stress, booze popping vits wouldn't really help! wtf??.

It shouldn't be a one sided effort,as he so wants a baby too. I have said to DP he would need to reduce anyway for those early months of having a new baby!.

It's not forever after all...

Hi! Just back from a long hard day in the office and haven't seen the thread all day.

Owlshoes!!!! I remember you from a while back, so sorry you are still on these here conception boards too. Thanks for your defence of me (and you too Terry)!

I am just going to do what I think is right and not put too much pressure on DH like a lot of you have said. I do keep a lot of the gory details (when LH surge is etc, when AF is due and when I am going to test) from DH so this isn't a "project" although it can sometimes feel like that to me!

Interesting that your GP said that anytime, you just feel like you what to do all you can don't you?

For what it is worth I am not making sex a "very unenjoyable chore" thank you very much!