TTC causing problems in relationship.

[sunlover72]

Hi

First off i hope people dont mind a guy posting? Im at my wits end and i wondered if others have had this situation.

Ive been with my partner just over 2 years now, we started ttc 14 months ago.
My partner is 43, im 37 so we didnt want to leave it too long and were both sure we wanted a baby.

Before we started TTC everything was great including our sexlife. And things were fine initially TTC.

In that time we have had one BFP, sadly a chemical

Now though it seems the stress of TTC is really affecting our relationship...
and it seems all my partner seems to actually care about is ...having a baby.

For a while the change has been the sexlife.. we do have sex when she isnt fertile, but thats the only time she actually seems interested. Its just obvious
that when not fertile shes just going along with it to stop me moaning. Then when shes fertile, she cant get enough... it makes me feel like a walking sperm donor. Sex after ovulation rarely happens... 'in case shes pregnant and i unstick it' when i said theres no risk she got quite upset and said i was being insensitive.

Things came to a head this week, i had news of a family member being really poorly, and got a migraine (i get them bad when i get them, vomiting, blurry vision,
the works).

Unfortunatly, this was her fertile time, and we missed it... as a result, she has gone completely....loopy...and i think this whole thing is just killing the relationship.

Anyway, just wondering if any other couples have had this??. Or how you managed to avoid it?

I want kids too..and i know about the importance of catching the days leading to ovulation and we normally catch it fine... but it seems the ttc process
has taken over our lives and is the ONLY thing she cares about now, is this how all ladies go when ttc?

Thanks

Oh boy, that sounds really miserable for both of you. :( But it's really common.

From her point of view - she really wants to get pregnant, she knows that you really want her to get pregnant, and she feels that she is letting you down. Her body is failing both of you (in her eyes) and all she can think about is getting older and the chances getting worse and worse. It's really easy to catastrophise in those conditions. Every time that I ovulated and failed to conceive I saw it as another chance wiped out forever. I know that it doesn't justify her behaviour to you, particularly when you were ill, but I hope it goes some way to explain it.

I will hold my hand up as someone who went a bit loopy when failing to conceive and I know that I am not alone on Mumsnet. I wonder if you could guide her onto here for a bit of moral support. It would be great if the two of you could build some more romance into your life, but I wonder if it will go down well coming from you, or whether she will think that you "don't understand". :(

A practical question - 14 months is a long time to be trying at your ages (sorry to be so blunt). If you think that you might want to try fertility treatment then you need to get the ball rolling now. If you have NHS treatment then there are waiting lists and age limits. Even with private treatment (which is what I had) it takes a surprisingly long time to get through the system of tests and onto the treatment phase. I found it all very frustrating.

Hi thanks for your response.

Weve sort of talked about it, and she said that she knows she wasnt reasonable, and that with my father very ill i need support that isnt there.

And she quite candidly said that all she could think about while i was ill was 'oh no im missing a cycle'..and that was why shes gone cold and distant..and that she cant help it. She still doesnt want to talk to me really, because she is so upset at missing the window. I do understand that though.

We have had the tests, my SA came back as 'good' from the clinic, she had problems with prolactin (due to thyroid condition) but its been sorted now. She is also ovulating on her own ok.

Any treatment will not be NHS funded, ive agreed to pay for clomid treatment (£365) though im not convinced it will help as shes ovulating. IVF will take some saving though as its £3500 here in the UK.

Thanks

Hey

Just wanted to say the fact you care how she feels and support her is great - but being from "the other side" I know I was "mean" to my OH when we were trying.

Have you tried showing an interest in the most fertile times etc? And maybe this way making the days leading up to this (and after in case of late ovulation) more romantic - even little things to show you are up for it will make you feel more in control and less like "a sperm donor".

We were lucky as were not trying as long as you guys, but had a big talk about how we were feeling as the months were passing and I was getting more consumed by it all - and felt like a failure etc. This really helped us as was able to understand the other person etc as OH had no idea how stressed I had become.

I am not saying she will be feeling the same as me - you really should be having a talk with her to say "I love you and want this" and then say (as gentle as possible) that you feel like it is becoming more stressful for you both and you want to keep as much fun and love in the TTC as possible so when it happens the baby will be coming into a strong and loving relationship.

You said she is feeling resentful due to the missed window - and this again is something I felt when the rest of life got in the way, but the honest chat really helped.

I know you needed support that wasn't there but things are difficult from both sides, and the longer it takes, the harder the strain it can take on a relationship.

I'm struggling a bit to know how to help, as I had it all from the other side. You're absolutely right, that your relationship is really important and should be the foundation of all this, and that sex isn't just for reproduction and should be a fun and meaningful part of you life. But I just don't know how you could tell her this in her current state without her getting touchy.

I remember I was at my lowest when we were having treatment and it wasn't working. If there was a test and it came back OK, then instead of being relieved, I'd think "but if we don't know why I'm not pregnant then we can't do anything about it!". If someone else who was infertile didn't conceive that month, I'd think "it's all futile, none of us will get pregnant!". If someone did get pregnant, I'd think "she's taken all the baby luck!". I mean, WTF? Babyluck?! I was a scientist! As I said, I was a bit loopy (understatement)

Actually, what helped me in the end was going to a very good counsellor who was specilised in infertility. She forced me to really think about my stupid beliefs - asked me what evidence I had for my statements that I would never get pregnant, for example. Because I was stuck in a loop where pregnancy seemed like a strange mythical state that transcended biology and that was in a different dimension, completely out of my reach.

In case you're interested, I did conceive in the end and have two children now. And my marriage is intact.

Just want to thank you both for giving me a ladies insight into all this, i know its different for the women.

All i really said was that i love her, and will love and want her wether we have kids or not... to be honest it seemed to make things worse.

But she did say she is 'consumed' by ttc right now, and that she perhaps needs counselling.

I think maybee i need to encourage and support her more, and encourage the councelling. I might be being a bit selfish here, and didnt realise that untill now.

Thanks again, its really appreciated.

Oh and MrsTittleMouse yeah i am interested ;) Huge gratz on your 2 kids ;)

I don't actually think that you're being selfish here. Obviously I don't have a magic torch to shine into your relationship, but just because she is upset, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are being mean to her. Just that she is so sensitive that she is hearing what you say in a very distorted way.

For example, reassuring her that you love her and will always love her whether or not you have children is a good thing to say. But she might be hearing it like someone who has been in an accident being told "I'll love you even if you don't recover and just sit and dribble in a chair all day". She probably can't bear to even think that it might not work and that you won't have children one day.

If she thinks that she needs counselling, then from my point of view that is great. She must have realised that it isn't healthy for either of you for her to get to this state, and she is keen to do something about it. If you can afford it, I would definitely do it. As I said, it was really useful for me. Would the fertility clinic have any suggestions for cousellors experienced in infertility?

Ironically (considering i started a thread on it today) weve just spoken in our lunch. And shes decided that she is going to stop charting, opking, checking mucous etc and go back to NTNP - basically just being intimate lots all month around as she feels she has 'lost all prospective' lately.

I also found myself agreeing to have a cat lol (i hate cats) but its good to be talking again ;)

Hi - my dh has found it really stressful too. Talking is good, so glad it has helped. Has she had her prolactin checked again, all the general bloods taken, the day 2 and day 21 blood tests, a recent smear and a HSG (to check no blocked tubes etc) - apologies if she has.

Would it help if you went to a private clinic and started off with what they would suggest and so on? Just so you know where you might end up, what to save up for etc? We did this and for just over £300, an hour of a dr's tiem adn 2 tests found out what we hadn't with the NHS and know we need ICSI! Not the best of news for us, but at least we will not waste time or energy on the wrong treatment. Also the clinic we go to gives you 3 free counselling sessions with one of their counsellors included in the package.

If you are looking for a counsellor - the bacp website is good, as you click on find a counsellor and choose your area and it lists registered and bacp approved counsellors who list their specialities (eg infertility).

hi sunlover:glad you have resolved your differences, at the end of the day you need to be united for your desired goal.Agree with everything already said here. Mrs TM: HOW did it eventually happen for you? Dh is 43, I'm 40. Been ttc seriously for over 2 years now, all tests came back good. unexplained infertility. How did you manage to get pregnant, and how long did it take? We are feeling that if nothing changes soon, we will pursue private icf in the new year. Seems such a shame though with a good sperm count, regular cycle and ovulation. Can't pinpoint the problem. It's so frustrating, isn't it?

Keziahhopes:- yeah we have had bloods done, and she had a procedure that confirmed no blockage, apart from age theres no apparent reason for infertility. And most months we get a 'high' rating on fertility friend for bd timing....

fedupttcnosuccess:- Thanks, she still isnt really able to communicate with me because she is too upset about missing a cycle, but says some of the anger/fustration of missing the cycle has gone..and it was her decision to switch to NTNP. I know well the fustration your feeling, sending some babydust your way, and hope you get your BFP soon.

Glad to hear that the lines of communication are open again. :) It sounds as though your DW is far more rational than I was about it all. :)

fedup - no fantastic words of wisdom, sorry. :( We did repeated rounds of IUI (more than we would have been allowed on NHS - had a sympathetic doctor and paid privately) and eventually it worked. The only advice that I can give is that on the last cycle (the one that worked) the only thing that I did different was that I did a fertility diet. There's nothing to know whether that was coincidence or not, but the diet isn't unhealthy, so if you're interested :-

Plenty of fruit and vegetables
Lots of oily fish (but not tuna due to mercury)
One or two brazil nuts a day (for selenium)
Other nuts too for the healthy fats
Flax seed ground up and put on things like cereal
NOT low fat
Very little regular tea or coffee but lots of green tea
Very little alcohol

So lots of anti-oxidants and vitamins, lots of healthy fats, and a fair number of calories so my body didn't think that food was scarce. I got the suggestions from the main fertility support website in the USA (sadly the advice has been taken down now) and it all had scientific references. So not quack stuff, plus it's a healthy diet anyway, no nothing lost.

Hope you all get your babies soon too.