Should I tell a friend who has been TTC for 3 years ??And if so how?

[pinkclouds]

I am having a bit of dilemma and just wondered if there was an advice.
We have just decide to try for DC 4. Yes 4. I know, but we always wanted a large family and were originally planning for number 4 about a year and half ago, but various things got in the way!! Anyway we have decide that now is a good time and we really don't want to leave it any longer.

The problem is I work with someone who has be TTC for 3 years now, she has only plucked up the courage to go to the doctors in the last couple of months and is waiting for an appointment with the consultant.

I know if we manage to conceive she will be really upset. Don't get me wrong I totally understand and really don't want to upset her. I was wondering if anyone thinks I should tell her now so she isn't to upset if and when it happens for us, or should I wait until it happens?? (if it happens) Really don't want to upset her. What's best ???

Wait until you are pregnant, no point in saying anything now. I can understand your dilmema, but it isn't your problem. You have got to just focus on your life and what you want to achieve.

If you do fall pregant again and then announce your news to the world, she may well be upset/ jealous but it's tough.

You can't not have another baby, just in case your upset your work colleague. Be symapthetic but keep a little bit of distance. Don't end up becoming her emotional crutch, esp as you intend on having another baby soon.

pinkclouds - I have been in a similar position as you, with a good friend of mine. Don't say anything just yet - it may take some time for you to conceive, so wait until it happens. When it does happen, make sure that you take her to one side and quietly tell her just before you announce it to the world.

Depending on how close you are, you could also acknowledge to her that you recognise how awkward/painful/difficult it may be for her to see you pregnant, and you realise that altho she may be delighted for you that will probably be mixed with anger/sadness that she isn't pregnant yet. It won't necessarily make it easier for her, but at least she will know you respect her feelings.

Good luck with TTC!

In my experience she will be happy for you but probably very sad for herself. This is totally normal. Depends how close you are as to whether you tell her you're trying...will you be telling anyone else your plans? If not then don't single her out. It may affect your friendship for a while but not out of malice, more like protecting herself. Don't keep your distance just because you're pregnant and she's not, that's horrible.

Women struggling to conceive are very aware of what seems like everyone being pregnant or having children but it doesn't make them want to dictate everyone else life plans...you can be sub fertile and over the moon for other people at the same time.

Nice attitude CJ2010

As someone who struggled to conceive my advice would be that unless you're very close friends, don't tell her until you are pregnant.

If you are close colleagues, you may want to tell her first.

however, I got quite frustrated with people tip toing around me - Of course it made me sad for myself when everyone else was popping them out daily, but on the other hand I got quite resentful if people thoughtI was so shallow that I would resent their good news.

Be sensitive about it, don't crow about it and it should be fine.

Unless you're so close that you would normally discuss this sort of stuff, I would not tell her at this stage - you don't know how long it might take and what's going to happen in your life or hers along the way.

I would however - as previously suggested - tell her when you get PG before you make the grand announcement to everybody (you don't have to make a big fuss about it, maybe tell a few people individually and make sure she's one of them). And don't bang on about PG stuff and babies to her all the time!

In defence of CJ2010 , of course you should be sensitive to how others might feel but I agree that you simply can't take everyone else's problems on as your own. I was in a similar situation when I became PG with DC3 - a very close relative had been ttc for about 5 years with no success and I absolutely dreaded having to tell her. I lost sleep and generally worried myself sick over it. When I did tell her, she did react badly, completely avoided me and the relationship was very very difficult. It made me feel so stressed and guilty about the pregnancy. In the end, I lost the baby at 16 weeks - nothing to do with stress, but the one thing I do regret is not just enjoying being PG while baby was there. We are ttc again now, and tbh while I really feel for her and hope and pray that she does also get a baby of her own, I cannot let that affect what we do with regard to ttc - and if I am lucky enough to get PG again, I will try to enjoy it regardless of whether other people are happy about it or not.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Izzywizzy I am really sorry to hear that happened to you must be awful, good. But your right I really want to make the most of this time round as it will def be our last. I am also trying the ttc bit. lol

I suppose the problem I know she will react badly as I have seen her reactions to other people. amiable this sounds like the best solution. I really do appreciate it.

I think everyone has given carefully thought out advice, but I would just like to add my ha'penth- I struggled to conceive for 5 years, and like cinco says, you are very aware of other people becoming pregnant, in fact your life does revolve around it far too much when you let it. I'm not saying this is healthy, or fair , or unselfish, its just the way it was for me.

From my perspective, there were people I was prepared in advance to hear were pregnant- newly weds, those with 1 or 2 year olds etc, it was never easy, but I was prepared. I found the announcements that knocked me for six- the ones where they had 2 children and were 'def not having any more', those who had spoken in the past about not being fussed about children, were more painful because I was caught off guard. I'm not saying you should tell her you're trying, but perhaps the odd hint that you've not neccessarily finished, or references to possible future children would at least give her a heads up. I think others would disagree with me here, but that's how I feel. Good luck with ttc, I wish you and your friend every success.

star You have absolutely summed up what I was saying. This is main concern, she see's me with three already, and I had the first 3 really quickly (She was one of the first people I told about DC3). I have never made a secret of the fact that we would like more DC but I have left a 4year gap this time and I think she will not be expecting it.

I think your right if someone asks or mentions it then maybe I should just find a subtle way of saying something (never say never !!). I really don't want her to be in total shock.
Thanks for advice it is all appreciated and thought about.

Don't know if anyone is still watching this thread but had to give out some good news anyway.

My Friend was at the consultants last Friday, she thought she was pg but when they tested her (POAS) it came back BFN .

Then on Monday still AF. Re-tested with HPT (digital) 5 WEEKS!!!

SOOOOO pleased for her, I don't think it has sunk in for her yet.

Pinkclouds that's fantastic news!! I hope her pregancy goes smoothly and you get your BFP soon too!

That's awesome, congratulations to your friend [hgrin]

Fabulous, really pleased for your friend...and good luck to you too